Her Bodyguard

Chapter 19

Maya's POV:

I hate this feeling. It makes me feel empty, useless, it makes me feel like nothing. Like no one actually cares for me, no one actually loves me. No one gives a shit about. This don't happened often but when it does I can never handle. I've always had depression but some days are worse than others. And today is one of those days. I don't feel like getting out of bed, I don't feel like eating, I especially don't feel like socializing. They don't get it either. My dad gets frustrated with me when I'm like this, but he doesn't understand. Does he really think I want to be like this? Does he think I want to have days where I don't want to be here? I always try and hide my depression from people. I think I do a hell of a good job at it too. Jackson hasn't figured it out yet. In fact he just thinks I'm sick right now.

I'm currently laying on my bed looking at my calling doing nothing. I want to cry, but I cant. It feels as though all my tears are gone. It's nine at night right now and Jackson has religiously checked on me and offered me food to which I declined every time.

Depression and anxiety is weird. I could be in a room full of people and feel that none of them will even acknowledge me and than I could be another room full of people and feel like every one of them is judging me. It's like I'm hyper aware that I'm alive. Yeah, that's sounds weird but that's what me people with anxiety lit myself think. It actually makes sense if you think about it. People with anxiety are just very aware of what's going on around them. I hate it too. I've tried to get rid of it, but it's not something you can just get rid of.

Most people think I'm just overreacting but they haven't been in my shoes. They haven't felt how I've felt. I am probably overreacting actually. I'm probably just making everyone's lives around me screwed up.

I lift my hands to my face and FINALLY feel my face damp with tears. This is what I needed. I needed to cry. I get up to look in the mirror to increase my sadness. I know that's sounds stupid, but I know you've done it also. I make eye contact with myself and the tears just keep falling. I try my best, but sometimes it feels like my best isn't good enough for anyone. My hairs a wreck my eyes are puffy, I'm wearing clothes too big for me. Who would really want me? How can someone else love when I can't even love myself? I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel and there's no end to it. I just keep going and going and there's no light at the end.

I decide to take to a shower hoping that will cheer me up. I step in the hot water and almost immediately relax. I know that once I get out of here I'm going to be sad again. I let the water run over my face and sit down in the shower. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my head on them. This whole I've felt like I have just been going through the motions of life, not actually living. I wonder if my mother ever thinks of me. I wonder if she regrets not raising me, or even just having me in her life. I know I would regret it if I left my child and never saw them again.

After 'testing' in the shower for about an hour I gently step out trying not to track water everywhere. I look on the mirror and see my eyes are still red and puffy. I put my rob on and wall out of my bathroom. I make my way to my closet and pull out a dark green cami and some black sweatpants. After I slip them on I step make over to my bed and lay down. My mind is everywhere right now. I can't focus on one thing, it's ten million things at once. I hear a soft knock at my door. I get up and open the door slightly just so I can peek out.

Jackson stands there holding a plate with what looks like a sand which and some chips.

"You need to eat. I know you don't feel good, but you need to eat" he commands. I nod my head and open the door all the way. I keep my head down so he can't see my puffy face. He puts the plate in front of me, I take it and sit it on my desk. "Eat" he says again. I nod and place a couple chips in my mouth. "Look at me" he says his voice softer. I shake my head and keep my eyes focused on the plate of food. He grasps my chin with his thumb and finger and tilts my head up toward him. "Why are you crying" he asks voice sharp and void of emotion.

"I'm not" I lie "I'm just not feeling well" I say keeping eye contact.

"You're lying" he sternly says "Why. Are. You. Lying. To. Me?" He questions me.

"I am not lying to you. I just don't feel well" I lie again maintaining eye contact so it looks like I'm telling the truth.

"I have known you for almost 8 months now" he explains "I know when you are lying to me" he says sharply. "Now eat."

"I will eat if you leave" I say getting annoyed at his actions. "I do not feel well, so will you please leave me alone. I will talk to you tomorrow Jackson" I say through gritted teeth. I know I sound like a brat but I don't want to bother him with my problems. Something flashes in his eyes before he nods his head and leaves after narrowing his eyes at me.

Once he leaves I pick at my food before throwing the rest of it away. I'm not really hungry anyways. I make my way back over to bed and lay down trying to go back to sleep.

I soon fall asleep, hoping I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better.

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Sorry for the gloomy chapter, but I needed to let my feelings out somehow, so why not through my character. It seems like everything is going wrong in my life anyways lol 😭✋🏻.

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