Avyanna Payne must escape from her abusive and manipulative father... Harry, the man who she's always hated takes an odd interest to her situation. But he's hiding something from her, when will the truth come out? Will she ever be fully free from he...
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I'm sitting on the couch with Avyanna, watching The Golden Girls. She insisted we watched it, but she fell asleep. So it's really just me watching it by myself. My favorite character at the moment is Sophia. She's funny and sarcastic, I like that in a character. Adds a bit of spice.
The show is a nice distraction. Although I've been thinking about another distraction all day. It's not sex. I'm not a sex addict, that's not how I cope with shit. I used to cope by using drugs, hard ones. I'm not proud of it because the meetings I had to go to were so fucking brutal.
I am still very upset about my mother, Avyanna has been helpful but I'm starting to get angry. I don't want to be angry but I just can't help it. I'm not even angry at her. I'm angry that we didn't get to her sooner.
It's nobody else's fault but mine.
Fuck, I can't take this stupid show anymore. I grab the remote and shut the show off.
I feel the urge to go for a walk or something. Anna won't freak out when she finds out I'm gone. She only did that once because I stormed out and she was worried about my well being.
I walk outside to feel the cold breeze hit my face. Shutting the door behind me and walking down the crowded street, trying not to think about my mother.
Fuck. Why can't I stop thinking about her?
A part of me is blaming her for all this pain. If she stayed the fuck inside this wouldn't have happened. She never listened to me though. It was impossible to get anything past her. I blame her for many things. My addiction, depression and so many other things. I shouldn't even have sympathy for her after what she did to me.
If she had just stayed at home she would've been fine. But of course not, she doesn't listen to anyone. Lived in her own little world, which was so fucking stupid. It doesn't feel real. Nothing does. The fact that Avyanna is in my fucking house doesn't feel real. It never did.
What the fuck happened?
Why isn't she out yet. I don't understand why she's still here but also, I don't really mind it. But at the same time. I do.
It's very hard for me to express my emotions. I always like to keep them to myself.
Once you tell someone about how you feel, you become vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable.
People tend to take pieces of you, when they leave. Nobody really stays with you until the end. My mother certainly didn't.
Fuck. Now I'm crying, great. That's fucking embarrassing, isn't it?
My mother always told me crying was useless. But she cried every fucking day. What a hypocrite, thinking about all the shit she put me through makes me so angry. A different level of angry.
It's like... mixing anger and pain together but so much more than usual.
She got me into fucking drugs, she almost killed me so many times... I never got to meet my sister. Apparently, I have one.
Her name is Lauren, apparently. I've never met her and if I did, I don't remember her at all. My mother hid her from me, because apparently I was too dangerous. Which is just unfair. I never did anything wrong to her. She always found a way to push me over the fucking edge.
We had a terrible relationship, why am I so upset?
Her words keep echoing in my head. Like a fucking broken record. I can't stop thinking about how she told me she was sorry. Did she even mean it? I have no idea. What I'd hoped to be a fixable relationship is now gone. Why did she have to be so fucking stupid?
I'm yanked into a corner by a strong force.
What the fuck?
I look down to see the black combat boots that I'm familiar with.
It's Avyanna.
"Why are you here?" I ask. Still staring at the ground. She shouldn't have come after me, I don't want to be around anyone right now. I don't even trust myself to be outside, but here I am.
"Because, I didn't know if you were running away or something." She states plainly. Fidgeting with the rings on her fingers. I've noticed she does that a lot, I wonder why. I still don't want to be around her. I feel so fucking sick right now. This isn't okay.
"I don't want to be around you right now, Anna. Go away." I tell her turning around for a moment, only to be turned back around and yanked into the corner again.
Oh, fucks sake.
"Stop fucking touching me!" I snap at her, looking into her deep blue eyes. Feeling rage fill my body, along with the sadness.
"Stop running away from your problems, Harry!" She yells in my face. Pushing me over the edge, I push her back so she goes into the brick wall.
Fucking bitch.
"I regret telling you about my fucking mother. It was a mistake." She says, making me turn around to look at her again. Why the fuck would she say that? She's really ticking me off now.
"I never asked you to tell me about that, Avyanna. You made that decision yourself." I say in anger. Running my fingers through my thick hair while she's taken back by what I said.
I feel her hand across my face.
You're fucking kidding me.
She looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. Almost making me feel bad for her.
She stares into my eyes for a minute and her eyes trail down to my lips.
"You know what? Just leave me the fuck alone, Harry." She tells me while turning to walk away from me.
I grab her shoulders in response and press her back up against the wall. Staring at her while she looks up at me. Not knowing what's happening.
I don't know what's happening either.
"Let me go." She clenches her jaw and tries to push me away with her arms.
"What the fuck? Harry-"
I immediately pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her... She stays stiff for a second. Acting very confused as to why I'm hugging her.
I need a fucking hug.
Her arms wrap around me out of instinct and I sigh in relief. Feeling a wave of relief, placing my head in the crook of her neck. I feel my body begin to feel weak. I hold onto her tighter and try to contain myself before I completely breakdown.
"Harry..." She says softly, while rubbing my back slowly.
"Just stay." I say before a sob erupts from my throat. I'm in so much fucking pain.
"Okay." She doesn't question and pulls me closer into her. Attempting to calm me down.
"She ruined me." I say before I start again.
"I know she did." She replies. Gripping onto the back of my shirt.
"I broke my promise. It's my fault." I tell her, feeling so fucking guilty about what had happened.
"It's not your fault. Take a breath." She instructs, allowing me to grip onto her shirt.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I needed a hug and she was here. That's all. I feel so weak. I needed a shoulder to cry on for once. There was something about this that made me feel safe.
It's all my fault. I can't even protect my own mother. Let alone anyone else.
