Bulletproof Heart

12. Those Three Words (But He Doesnt Even Know Me!)

⚠️TW⚠️
Mentions of self harm/abuse

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When we finish dinner, Gerard shows me his room, which happens to be the basement. That's cool... He excitedly tells me about all of his stuff; pointing out his drawing desk where his sketchbook rests, posters for various movies and bands, a shelf of CDs and records, etc.

Eventually he's done and we take a seat on his bed, I lay between his legs with my back against his chest and his arms draped around my waist. We lay there for a while in a comfortable silence, before the door at the top of the stairs open. The footsteps stop about halfway down and Mikeys voice is heard "you two aren't fucking are you? cause I dont wanna se-" he's cut off by my giggling and Gerard yelling "Dude! No, we aren't, what the fuck?" With that, Mikey comes the rest of the way down the stairs and stands on the doorway. "Frank's throwing a party tonight, his parents just went on vacation," he says, excitement in his voice, somehow his poker face remains unbroken. "Sounds fun," Gerard comments, tilting my head to look up at him, "wanna go Sugar?" He asks, I think for a moment then nod. "Alright, Frank's party tonight then," Gerard says excitedly, Mikey let's a small smile cross his face for a split second. "Alright, starts in ten minutes," he states and walks back up the stairs.

"Did he really wait until ten minutes before the party to say something to us?" I ask Gerard, giggling lightly. "Yes, I believe he did," he chuckles. "Y/N..." he says gently and I look up at him, "huh?" I ask "I..." he pauses, taking a deep breath "I love you Y/N..." he whispers, barely audible. My eyes widen as I look up at him, "Y-you love m-me?" I ask, tears forming in my eyes. He nods, a look of worry on his face as he wipes one of my tears away. "Gerard... I love you too," I say quietly, smiling through the tears.

He smiles back, turning me around completely so I'm basically straddling his lap. His hands gently trace my hips, before reaching up to wipe any fallen tears from my face. "Don't cry baby... please don't cry," he whispers gently, running a hand through my hair. "I just can't believe someone like you could love someone like me..." I say quietly and he smiles, "why?" You're absolutely amazing Doll." He smiles and I look away, "I'm not that great," I whisper, barely audible.

"Sure you are," he says, turning my face back to him. "I'm really not, you dont know my past Gee..." my voice cracks and tears start making their way down my face again. "Then tell me... it won't change how I feel about you," he whispers and I sigh, knowing he won't drop it until I tell him. I reach for the hem of my shirt and start to pull it up, he stops me "uh... now's not really the time Sugar, I wanna know what's up with you." He says seriously and I roll my eyes "I'm showing you, dipshit..." I snap and he pulls his hand away nodding "sorry" he whispers and I feel bad for snapping at him.

⚠️⚠️⚠️

I remove my shirt to reveal my chest and stomache littered with scars. His eyes widen and he lifts his hand, gently tracing each one. "Why?" His voice shakes and I look away, "my mother wasnt a very nice woman, some are from her..." I whisper. "Some?" He asks "others are from me..." "Y/N..." "Gerard." "What di-did she do?" "She was angry with me, said I took away her 'perfect body' that she apparently had before she got pregnant... hated me for it, decided she'd keep me from being perfect..." he stays silent for a moment, tracing the scars. "and the ones from you?" He asks "I don't deserve to be pretty." I state, he looks up at me "you're still the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen..." he says gently.

"There aren't more are there?" He asks and I look away "baby..." he says it gently and I lift up my skirt to reveal a few words carved into my thighs.

Bitch

Slut

Whore

Worthless

Naive

Mistake

Waste of space

⚠️⚠️⚠️

Among these were other negative words and phrases people and myself had used to describe me. He traces a few of the letters and lifts my face up, "these aren't true at all baby..." he says gently, I stay silent, finding myself unable to respond. Does he really care? "You're so beautiful Y/N... and kind, talented, funny, smart... so so fucking smart." He sighs, as his words still seem to have no effect, "baby, please listen to me... you're so perfect." I look down only for him to lift my face back up and press his lips to mine gently.

We've kissed many times before, but this one was different. It was passionate and fiery, but also gentle and comforting, it conveyed everything he couldn't seem to put into words.

He finally pulls away and rests his forehead to mine. "I love you Y/N..." he says seriously, but still gently. I smile "I love you too Gee..." "and I dont mean it in a 'hey, we're dating so I guess i gotta say it' kinda way... i really do love you hun..." "thank you Gee..." our eyes meet and we gaze at eachother.

Our moment is interrupted as his phone buzzes, he picks it up, looking at the contact name and putting it on speaker. "Are you guys coming or not? your like an hour late, everyone's basically already here..." Mikeys voice says from the phone speaker "sorry, bro we forgot... you still up for the party Y/N?" He asks and I  hesitantly nod, not wanting to ruin his fun. "Alright, we'll be there in a few Mikes," he hangs up and pulls my skirt back over my scarred thighs, then carefully helps me put my shirt back on. "Please, don't ever cut again baby..." he whispers gently and I nod "I won't Gee..."

Guess it's time to party...