The Loser

CHAPTER TWENTY

The same dream has plagued me since the last time I saw Edward Cullen. The two of us sitting on the grass in Esme's rose garden while we played a game called 'I wish.' The point was to make a wish that was better than the last wish said. Edward would always wish for things like fast cars, or that summer would never end. Mine were usually far more reserved. I never wanted to tell Edward my greatest heart's desires. I worried about what he would say if I told him what I really asked for. I would say I wished my sister would find a husband and move out as soon as possible or that my mother would think about me as much as she did about Jessica.

And then he said it.

Edward stops and opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He seems nervous, but this wasn't Edward. Edward was never nervous. A trait I was envious to possess.

"I wish I could kiss you."

My face must have been a picture because there was no way I heard him correctly. I must have imagined what he said because, for some time, all I wanted was for Edward to kiss me. I don't say a word afraid I hallucinated the whole thing. He leans over, and his lips are on mine. Then he stops and pulls back to look at me. I remember how his chubby face used to look; not at all like the one he grew into.

"Was that wrong?"

I slowly shake my head. My lips press together.

"No. It's what I wished for too."

We were twelve.

Everything back then was so simple, and yet after that day, I never saw my best friend again. I mean, of course, I saw him, but he was never the same.

Every night I had this dream. It was one of my most treasured memories, and yet now, I felt I was cursed to relive it. When I would awake, inevitably, I would remember Edward's face the very last time I ever saw him.

Christmas was quickly approaching. It was to have been when Edward and I were to be married. I felt stupid for wishing I had never said anything at our Blessing Celebration; gone on with life and taken the harsh words Edward said about me to his friend...pretended they never existed. I shouldn't want him so badly, but after loving someone for nearly my whole life, I couldn't just turn it off.

I had heard he was staying at the apartment he had rented. He had paid in full, back when he thought he would need it. Good thing or else he would be out on the streets. At least for the school year, he had a place to stay. I wasn't sure what he would do after that.

Carlisle and Esme asked me to move in with them, but I declined. As much as I didn't want to remain in Edward's grandfather's house, I couldn't stay with Carlisle and Esme knowing they lost their son because of me. Carlisle had every right to demand I live with them. After Edward was denied, I officially became their problem. After all, the Cullen's purchased me in full. Even though their son signed the contract, if something happened after that day, it was up to his family to take on the burden of caring for me unless they decided to deny me too.

Alice came to help me change the house, so it was more to my taste. I appreciated the gesture because I felt as if I shouldn't be the one to make any modification, even if Carlisle had stated the house was mine to do whatever I wished until my baby was of age.

My baby.

Thankfully, the nausea had passed. I was lucky. This baby never made my stomach turn so severely to cause me to throw up, but it did make it hard for me to eat. Even though I wasn't exercising, I watched what I ate, and the nausea helped me lose more weight than I had when I was working out with Jacob. It was an odd thing to lose weight while having my stomach become more pronounced.