Coming to Terms with Me

Chapter 21 -- Bold Moves

It's been a month since their family meeting and things had been going smoothly. The kids were supportive of Stef without being awkward, and Lena continued to attend Stef's twice weekly sessions with her. The kids had really stepped up to plate by cooking dinner those nights and helping each other with homework to give their Moms the time and space to not just attend the therapy sessions but have time to process the heavy sessions afterward. Stef had a few stumbles along the way – shutting down and avoiding intimacy – but for the most part things had been progressing forward. Lena was thankful for Stef's growth and effort and was hopeful that they'd continue to find themselves in healthier and healthier patterns.

It's now Wednesday and Stef has today off, thankfully, due to all the overtime she has picked up on the weekend. Yesterday evening's session had been particularly draining. Stef had a panic attack during the session, and another on the way home while Lena was trying to process the session with her. It took longer than usual to calm her down delaying their return home. When the kids saw Stef in such a fragile looking state upon their return, they were concerned, but gave her space. Stef was avoidant and snappy when Lena wouldn't leave her alone, but Lena was persistent given the plan Stef had previously agreed to. It had taken several hours before Stef had finally let her walls down and accepted Lena's support and comfort.

Flashback

"Stef please! Maybe I can help you if you just talk to me!"

Stef backs away as Lena tries to approach her again. She continues stepping back until she bumps into the window seat and finds herself seated there.

"I-I do-don't need your help, Le-Lena. Ju-just... gi-give me so-some space... I-I-I..."

A very emotional Lena crouches down on the floor to kneel in front of her Wife.

"Stef... you're having a panic attack again - look at you – you're shaking. Please Baby..."

Lena places her hands-on Stef's knees, and she can immediately feel the tension in her body.

"L-Len-na..."

"I'm here Baby, right here; I'm not going anywhere." Tears fall from Stef's eyes as she shakes her head. "Yes, Stef, I'm not leaving – you've just gotta let me help you."

"To-too much..."

Lena reaches us and cups Stef's face in her hands, wiping the tears away with her thumbs. "Too much what Baby? What's too much?"

"Me... no-not getting be-better fa-st e-enough... go-gonna get tired... le-leave m-me..." Stef stares desperately into Lena's eyes. "I-I-I'm... Len-na... yo-you should le-leave m-me... Yo-you deserve mo-more... be-better... I-I-I'm wor–"

"Don't you dare call my Wife worthless." Lena cuts Stef off in her stern Vice Principal voice. "You, Stefanie Marie, are not worthless – don't say it, don't think it. I love you, and I'll tell you 100 times a day if I have to in order for you to remember and believe it. I'm not going anywhere – ever – not even death will allow you to feel separate from my soul. I will tell you every day, I will keep you by side every minute – we'll know what it's really like to become one." Lena says jokingly causing Stef's first laugh – though teary – in hours. "You are MY Wife; I am YOUR Wife. We took vows, and I intend on keeping them. You lifted and carried me through my own darkness not too long ago – it's my turn now. I know you think needing and asking for help makes you look weak, but you fighting to get better – allowing me to be there for you; allowing me to love you – Baby, you've never been stronger."

With those words – Lena's declaration of devotion – washing over Stef's body, she collapses, sobbing, into Lena's comforting arms; giving her blonde lover every ounce of strength she can conjure.

Flashback Ends

Stef leans back against the kitchen sink, sipping her coffee, as she continues to process Lena's words. Guilt and shame weigh heavily on her heart and mind for still feeling she is becoming a "chore" for her Wife, rather than an equal partner. Stef was feeling better after Lena's support last night, but she is still in a fragile state of mind – the urge to run and hide herself away is still bubbling just below the surface – the driving thought that Lena and the kids would have a much brighter future without her in it. She wrestles to fight that feeling down as she waits for Lena to return home. Lena was hesitant to leave Stef this morning but was required to attend an emergency meeting this morning after a 10th grader brought a knife to school.

Lena's been gone for an hour and should only be gone for another. Stef decides she'll start making brunch for Lena's return to pass the time and get her mind off her own demons. As she moves to the refrigerator, there's a knock at the back door. Stef looks back, a bit startled at the unexpected intrusion, and notices Tess. She can feel her own body tense before plastering on a fake smile and waving her inside.

Tess moves into the kitchen, beaming. "Hey Stef! I noticed your car in the driveway and thought I'd pop on by. I haven't seen you in a bit. Are you home alone?"

"He–" Stef clears her throat. "Hey Tess. Yeah, I've been real busy picking up overtime. Thankfully, I have the day off to relax."

Tess, picking up the tension but misinterpreting why it's there – moves closer to Stef. "I would imagine it cost a lot to take care of all these kids, but the extra time is working for you." Tess gawks at Stef lustily. "You're looking really fit Stef."

Stef chuckles uncomfortably, rubbing her neck as she backs away from Tess. Tess continues to move forward until Stef's back is pressed to the refrigerator. Tess runs her hand up from Stef's wrist to her neck while saying, "You didn't answer my question, are you home all alone Stef? I was hoping we could... spend some time... together."

Stef visibly swallows the panic rising in her throat at the clear intention behind Tess's words. "Le-Lena will b-be home so-soon."

Stef struggles to maintain a steady voice which, again, Tess mistakes for desire and lust that matches her own. "Maybe you can sneak away tonight, Dean is out of town for a few nights, or..." Tess tucks a strand of Stef's hair as her panic keeps her paralyzed. "...or we could just let Lena catch us now – get the messy part out of the way in the beginning and deal with the fallout so we won't have to hide our relationship."

Tess moves forward to kiss Stef, but Stef pushes her back before retreating to the opposite side of the kitchen. Her panic begins to give way to her anger. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Tess?! What gave you the impression I want to be with you, and how dare you come into my house and suggest that what, I fuck you on the counter, so Lena catches me cheating on her. Why on earth would I do that – do any of that – why would you think I want cheat on Lena with you?!"

Tess chuckles. "Come Stef, you've been in love with me since grade school. I see how you avoid me; afraid you can't control your lust for me."

Stef shakes her head while whispering, "Oh god..."

Tess begins to move seductively toward Stef again. "See, I know the truth Stef because I know you. I'm sure Lena doesn't know you like I know you. Does she make you feel the way I make you feel? Do you feel this sexual tension with her? Do you think she even notices how much you want me?"

Tears well in Stef's eyes threatening to fall. The panic begins constricting her chest. "None of that's true. I love Lena – I want Lena – not you."

"It's just you and me here Stef, you don't have to keep lying to yourself – look how it's tearing you apart." Overcome with fear, panic, and shame realizing what Tess is saying is exactly what Lena originally thought, she begins to move toward the front door, gathering her wallet and keys on the way. Tess follows close behind while continuing to talk. "You can't keep running from these feelings Stef; you've been running from them since we were in high school – you even married a man to try and get over me – but none of it worked. I understand that you have feelings for Lena, but I'll be here – waiting – until you wake up and realize that she's only been a place holder for me this entire time."

Stef's flight response goes into overdrive. She dashes from her home – leaving Tess calling after her from the doorway – jump into her SUV and peel out of the driveway speeding out of sight.