Coming to Terms with Me

Chapter 17 -- My Darkest Place

Stef lays with Lena wrapped tightly in her arms, Lena's back to her chest. She has been holding her quietly for a while, working up the courage to continue her story. Lena glides her fingertips gently over Stef's arm hoping to sooth Stef's anxiety as well as her own. Stef lets out a deep breath and begins.

"It was exactly a year to the day my Dad had found Tess and I on the couch. I had tried so hard, you know, to remain positive and let what my Father and Pastor Dan were saying to me just roll off. I tried not to let it take hold of my thoughts, but it had. I didn't notice at first, but as I continued to feel more and more isolated, more unwanted, more unworthy, more lonely, more ashamed... the thoughts began to fester and compound the dark thoughts I was already having." Stef becomes quite again, remembering back to that time in her life. "For such a long time, I felt I was standing on a precipice.... standing and just waiting to fall..."

Lena was reeling; hearing the details of her wife's depression was overwhelming and knowing the depths of her dark thoughts was difficult, but then realizing that Stef has been struggling with some variation of those thoughts for the past 26 years was devastating. She wishes she would have pushed Stef to address these issues earlier in their relationship, but it always seemed like Stef was in control. The disappointment Lena has been feeling in herself grows when she understands that Stef's control has always been a mask to her wounded soul, and rather than peeling back the mask, she has helped her keep it in place during their relationship. Lena tries several times to swallow the lump in her throat before she's successful. "What pushed you?" Lena asks, her voice shaking. "That day, what pushed you over the edge?"

Stef places a firm kiss to the back of Lena's head, then nuzzles her nose into her beautiful mane before responding. "It was a culmination of things really, that just all came crashing down on me in one moment on that day. I'm also sure the significance of that date added unnecessary fuel to an already sweltering fire making me more combustible."

Lena brings Stef's right hand to her face. She kisses the open palm before cupping the hand to her left cheek. She holds there as she encourages Stef to continue. "Tell me... tell me what came crashing down that day that almost took my Baby away."

Stef could feel the tears soaking her palm and hear the quiver in Lena's voice. She gently strokes her cheek with her thumb to erase the fallen tracks. "Shh, shh. I'm still here my Love. If this is too much we can stop."

Lena grips onto the wrist of Stef's right hand that is still holding her face. "No, please keep going. I can handle it; I want to know."

"Okay Baby, but I want you to promise me that if this becomes too much that you will tell me to stop. We can always discuss this in the morning or with the therapist. If you can't handle this, I need you to tell me."

For the first time since the start of their conversation, Lena tilts her head back to look into Stef's face. "You've been handling this and so much more by yourself for over 20 years. If you think I'm going to shut you down when you finally have the courage and feel safe enough to open up, you're wrong. I'm not going to let you walk through this alone anymore. It's understandable that I would be upset about hearing this, but I would be more upset if I knew I had shut you down when you're taking steps toward healing. I know it's hard for you to think of yourself, but that's what I want you to do. Don't think about me and how I'll feel about your scars, think about your need for understanding and release your truth to me." Lena turns her head back to give Stef the space she needs while snuggling back into the strong blonde's body. "Go ahead Baby, tell me your truths." Lena says soothingly.

Stef takes a moment to revel in the tender compassion often afforded to her by her Beloved. "Part of it was the 'counseling' I was receiving. I don't want to talk too much about that now because those were just the seeds. When I think about it, the problem was everything else that was occurring at the time that helped them take root. My parents had been divorced for a few years by this point, and I lived with Dad. I was constantly given the 'gays go to hell' speech and Mom was often nowhere to be found. Mom knew about the situation, knew Dad's reaction, and never came to my rescue. She never told me he was wrong; she never tried to stop it. I felt so alone Lena. Tess was my best friend. I tried calling her; I would call her almost every day for that full year and she never answered. It felt like I meant nothing to her. I don't know if she ever had feelings for me the way I did for her, but even if she didn't, I thought we were friends... I thought she cared about me..." Stef becomes quiet again - trying to compose herself - but the more she shares the more difficult it is to control the tears and suppressed hurt. "That day... I called Tess. It had been a full year since I had seen her or heard from her. I was drowning and I just needed to feel like I was worth something to someone. When I called the operator told me the number had been disconnected and there was no forwarding number. It was the last straw. It felt like she wasn't just staying away out of fear of my Dad anymore, but that I really didn't mean anything to her. I'm not blaming her - attempting to kill myself was a choice I made alone - but I've thought, many times, that if she had bothered to answer any of my calls or send me a letter then maybe I wouldn't have tried to kill myself; maybe I wouldn't have felt so worthless and alone."