Coming to Terms with Me

Chapter 8 -- Afternoon Avoidance

The overwhelming emotions of the morning had led Stef and Lena into a 3-hour nap. It was a little after 1 PM and Stef was beginning to stir. As her mind came into consciousness, so did all the overwhelming feelings and emotions of their morning. Lena was still sleeping peacefully until she felt Stef pull abruptly away from her.

Rolling on her right side, she opened her eyes to see Stef sitting up in her protective stance – knees to chest – her head resting on her knees. Lena reaches out, but Stef recoils the second she feels her touch. Stef chokes out a whisper, "No, please...don't touch me."

Lena sits up and turns her body to face her emotional wife. "Baby? What's wrong? Please... talk to me..."

Stef looks down, acutely aware of her naked form. "Could you... get me some clothes, please?"

Lena smiles a bit, even though Stef isn't looking at her. If she's getting dressed, she must be ready to talk. "Sure Baby."

Lena gets up and grabs underwear and a bra from Stef's drawer, and then grabs a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from the closet. She walks back to the bed handing Stef the clothes as she sits down. "Here you go Baby."

Stef takes the clothes but stays in her protective stance. She lowers her head as she speaks, "Lena?"

"Yes Love?"

"Would you leave the room while I change?"

Lena is taken aback by what Stef is asking; she feels all the progress they've made in the past few days has just been undone. With tears in her eyes she responds, "Whatever you need Stef. I'll take my clothes and get ready in the kids' bathroom." She waits a minute for a response, but she knows there isn't going to be one. She moves around the room quickly grabbing some clothes as well as a few necessities from their bathroom. As she opens the door to leave, she turns back and looks at her fragile wife still huddled on the bed and says, "I love you Stefanie."

She's met with silence as she sees the tears roll down her wife's face, but she knows now is not the time to press her. As she begins to close the door behind her, she hears a choked whisper, "I'm so sorry, Lena... I love you... so much... so sorry." Lena closes the door to give Stef the space she requested and proceeds to the kids' bathroom to get dressed, all the while unsure leaving her wife alone in such an emotional state was the right thing to do.

–

Lena walks into the kitchen fresh from her shower. She finds it hard to stay optimistic when Stef crashes like this because she still doesn't understand the cause – not fully anyway. Lena sees Stef eating lunch at the table with her back to the kitchen entrance and smiles when she notices the sandwich and salad laid out for her. "Thanks for making lunch Baby. How was your shower?"

Stef keeps her eyes on the newspaper in front of her while she answers, "Fine... how was yours?"

Lena already knows she's going to have to push to talk about what happened because it's clear by Stef's lack of eye contact and unemotional response that she's throwing her walls up high. "It was good, but I would have preferred one with you."

Stef stops chewing the food in her mouth when she hears Lena's response, but quickly pulls herself together, humming her response. "Mhm."

Lena begins eating her food, noting Stef had sat her across from where she was eating rather than next to her. "We should talk about what happened before the kids come home."

Stef blushes, but doesn't look up while she dismisses Lena's suggestion. "There's nothing to talk about."

Lena puts her sandwich down, already irritated by Stef's dismissal. "You can't be serious Stefanie; how could you think there's nothing to talk about?"

"DON'T call me Stefanie!" She snaps back. Stef takes a deep breath, trying to maintain her composure. "There's nothing to talk about Lena – we can't change what happened, and there's no reason to spend forever talking about it. That won't change anything." Stef replies curtly.

Lena has gone from irritated to angry. She pushes her food aside and places her hands flat and firmly on the table. "What's the point then? Why therapy... why try at all if you don't think it's going to help? You just want to stand by and watch our marriage fall apart?"

Stef stands up abruptly, knocking the stool down in the process. "You're right; what is the point? All this work, all this digging up the past and being vulnerable, and the result will be the same."

"And what result is that?"

Stef looks down and shakes her head. She brings her head up looking Lena right in the eyes, trying to fight back her tears, but the emotion is evident in her voice. "You're going to leave... leave me." Lena goes to stand up, but Stef raises her hand stopping her. "No, I don't want to hear anymore platitudes or naïve promises. You're going to leave – you want to leave right now; I can feel it. You don't see how I'll get better, and even if you do by the time that happens, you'll know all the disgusting dark parts of me, and you won't want me then. You'll leave, and the kids will go with you because who wants an emotional mess for a mother. Everyone will leave and I'll be all alone..." Stef looks off – her eyes become distant like she's recalling something. "...just like they told me... it's all true." A tear slowly rolls down Stef's cheek as she refocuses on her wife. "So, really Lena, what's the point?"

Before Lena can even respond Stef dashes out of the house and into her car, already halfway down the street before Lena even makes it out the front door.