Coming to Terms with Me

Chapter 16 -- Pillow Talk

When they make it to their bedroom, Stef places Lena on the bed. "I would really like a shower before bed, and I know you feel sticky after an orgasm and like to freshen up... would you like to join me?"

            Lena smiles at the nervousness Stef is displaying. She appreciates, so much, the effort that the strong blonde has made tonight. She sits in admiration and amazement that this woman will always willingly push her discomfort and anxiety to the side in order to make her wife feel loved, desired, safe, comforted, protected. "I would love nothing more than to wash your back." Lena says with a chuckle.

            Stef laughs with her wife, loving the lightness between them. "Let's go then. I want to be quick because I just want to hold your naked body against mine in bed."

            Lena pulls Stef down to her and kisses her passionately, stroking her tongue sensually against her wife's. "Mm, you taste so good. Are you going to let me take care of you tonight? I just want to make you feel good Baby. Hm?" Stef tenses slightly but Lena feels it. She brushes the hair softly from Stef's face. "It's okay Baby."

            Stef lets out a deep breath while looking away to gain control of her emotions. "Tonight..." Stef smiles brightly as tears well in her eyes. "Tonight has been so incredible; being able to focus on you, fulfill your needs and desires, remind you of the depth of my love... but I still feel... I do want to feel you... on me... inside me... but I can't – not tonight. I know I'll have a panic attack. I just want to enjoy you close to me. I'm trying Love... I'm trying so hard, and I'm trying to push my limits, but showering with you and laying naked with you is as far as I can push tonight. I'm sorry."

            Lena smiles at Stef as she wipes her wife's tears away. "No Baby don't apologize to me. I'm so proud off the effort and progress you've made; I'm so thankful for the vulnerability you've shared with me. Tonight, has been beautiful; I feel so loved – I feel so close to you. I know things have been tough lately, and I know I haven't always been the most supportive – I've been quick to react and assume the worst of you – I'm sorry for that. I love you Stefanie Marie Adams Foster, and I'm not going to push you. I know you'll let me make love to you when you're ready and in the right headspace. I won't pressure you. I know you could be okay to make love in the morning, but by the end of the night some demons could resurface and then you feel too anxious to be intimate. That's okay Stef; I understand more now – I don't take it as a personal rejection – I understand it has nothing to do with me. So, don't apologize for your boundaries and struggles. I love you and I support you."

            Stef presses her lips softly to Lena's as they kiss tenderly for several minutes. "Thank you, Baby. Let's get cleaned up and ready for bed now."

            Both women head into the shower. Lena washes Stef's hair as Stef washes her own body. Stef takes her time washing Lena's hair before washing Lena's body and bringing her to the final orgasm of the night. As they get out and Stef wraps her wife up in a big towel she looks lovingly at her and says, "I may not always be able to put aside my anxiety, but whenever I can, I will always try to show you my love even if I'm incapable of receiving yours in return at that moment. I will not allow my demons to become yours by neglecting your needs."

            "You've never neglected me, and I know the depth of your love. You are worthy Baby, so worthy; you don't need to earn this relationship or my love – it's yours forever."

            Stef and Lena make their way into their bedroom. They dry off before slipping naked into bed. Stef pushes Lena so she is laying on her left side – her back to Stef – before Stef lays on her left side as well and pulls Lena tightly to her chest; her wife's ass pressed firmly against her groin. Stef loves the feel of her wife naked against her, the control of being the big spoon, and the comfort of being able to share her thoughts without having to look into her eyes since her wife's back is to her. "I love holding you – do you know that? I love feeling you against me, and I love feeling like I'm keeping you safe by covering your body with mine."

            Lena presses herself further into her wife – if possible – grasping the strong arms around her more tightly. "I love being held by you; I always feel safe in your arms. You know, I love to hold you too. When you let me hold you... it feels like you're showing me that you trust me to keep you safe."

            Tears well in Stef's eyes as she presses her face into Lena's hair, breathing in the familiar calming scent. "I love when you hold me; it does make me feel safe and loved. Sometimes... I just... it makes me feel so vulnerable when I let you hold me, like I'm showing you I'm weak, or emotional, or insecure.  I just want to feel strong and in control right now. I do trust you to keep me safe Lena; I just don't know if you can keep me safe from myself..."

            Stef trails off and Lena tenses with concern for Stef's comments. She takes a few breaths to calm herself before speaking. "What do you mean Baby?"

            Stef lets out a deep breath before responding. "I wanted to talk while I held you tonight. I wanted to share something with you... something I should have shared forever ago... there's so much to share..."

            Lena softly glides her fingertips over Stef's arms that are wrapped around her. "It's okay Baby, no rush no pressure. You don't need to share everything tonight; I know this is a process. I won't judge or be angry with you. You and your past are safe with me. Take your time, I'll wait forever."

            Stef places a kiss to the back of Lena's head before sharing. "When I was a teenager, about a year after the Tess incident, I tried... I tried to kill myself." Lena attempts to turn around and face her wife but Stef firmly holds her still. "Please don't. I won't be able to finish if I have to see the hurt and pain in your eyes. I want to share this with you, but I need to feel in control." Stef holds Lena tighter and nuzzles her nose into her hair. "I know this is hard to hear, I know this makes you scared and you just want to turn around to see and hold me to remind yourself that I'm here, but I need to share this Lena. I need to show you my dark places – I may be 13 years late, but I'm ready now. I can't show them all at once; maybe not even one every day, but this is the first one and probably the most important given the events of the past few days." Tears fall silently from Lena's eyes, but Stef can feel the slight quiver in her body indicting her Love is crying. "Let me share, ask your questions and I'll answer. After we're done, I promise I'll let you hold me. I promise I'll stay vulnerable and submit to the safety of your arms. Can we do that Love?"

            Lena nods her head as tears continue to fall. She tries to pull herself together as she laces the fingers on her right hand with the fingers of Stef's right. "Share as much as you can; answer as much as you can – I'm here, I'm listening, but I hold you to that promise Stefanie.  I will be holding you safe; I'll be covering your body with mine tonight."