Coming to Terms with Me

Chapter 19 - Shared Anxiety

AN: Sorry for the long pause in updating. I hope to get back to updating regularly. There's about 10 or so chapters left of this story - a little drama to come! Enjoy this quick update!

Stef is feeling lighter. As she drives toward the precinct she reminisces over the weekend and this morning – her heart overflowing with love and relief that Lena is still standing by her side. Unfortunately, those feelings shatter when she arrives at work. The second she steps foot into the precinct, the anxiety hits her like a wall. She feels her chest tighten, the sweat spotting her forehead, the laboring of her breathing... then she notices the stares... so she balls her fists – in hopes to pull herself together – forces a smile on her face, and begins to walk to the precinct to her desk. Thankfully, her desk is in an upstairs corner near a window and no one else near her but Margo. Fortunately, Margo either hadn't arrived yet or she had stepped out because Stef found herself alone in the corner space away from prying eyes and ears.

She sits at her desk and tries to ground herself. When she feels the beginning of the inevitable spiral into the darkness, she begins to rummage for her cell phone. Stef pulls the phone from her coat pocket and pulls up Lena's number. Taking a shaky breath, she hits dial. Lena smiles when she sees her wife's name flash across her phone. "Hey Baby, did you make it to the precinct?" Lena's smile quickly fades when she hears the stilted breathing. "Stef?"

"Lena..." Stef stammers out barely above a whisper.

Lena stands from her desk feeling panicked. "Stef what's wrong?"

"I... I'm just..."

Stef's continued stammering alarms Lena further. "I'm coming to get you Baby, okay? I'm going to go tell my secretary that I'm taking the–"

Stef cuts Lena off. "No."

"Stef, you're having a panic attack. You need me."

Stef took a deep breath in before slowly letting it out. "I do... need you... Lena, but not to... come down here... I'm at the... beginning of the... attack... I just need you... to talk me down... please... just help me breathe... so I can get through the day... please Love..." Stef chokes out as the tears prick her eyes.

Lena closes her eyes tightly causing a few of her own tears to fall; she sits back in her chair and takes several deep breaths before responding. "Okay Baby, shh, you're okay. You had a tense weekend and I know you're working on a case that's caused you a lot of stress. I'm sure it's difficult being back in the precinct and trying to navigate the system. It's okay to be upset and bothered by what you're seeing but remember you're not responsible for the actions of others. I know you take the whole world on your shoulders, and I love your selfless spirit Baby, but the result of this case and any to come does not rest on you. Let that thought relax you Love; hold that knowledge close to you always." Stef begins to calm as her breathing normalizing while listening intently to the love-filled words of her wife. "You're already battling so much shame and false guilt and I don't want anything to add to it. You are brave, you are courageous, you are smart, you are beautiful, and most of all you are loved. I love you Baby; remember that and let that thought breathe serenity and comfort into you. Do you feel that Baby? Do you feel my love, my comfort, my protection?"

"Yes, yes I feel it... I feel you Lena."

"Good, that's good Baby. How's your breathing?"

"Better, it's better Love. Thank you... you always know what to say. You've been my rock Lena... I don't know what I'd do without you..."

"Well, you'll never have to find that out because I'll always be with you. Are you sure you're okay now Baby? Do you need to go home? Do you want me to come to you?" Lena asks anxiously.

Stef smiles to herself; Lena's concern surprisingly providing relief. "I'm okay Baby, I promise. I want you to stay there and focus on your work. I'll definitely be at the school for lunch with you and the kids, so you can call in an order for everyone and I'll pick it up. You can let me know which place you've decided at my next check-in. Okay?"

Lena sighs audibly. "Okay." She whispers.

As the roles switch seamlessly, Stef is quick to offer her understanding and support. "I know this is hard Baby; we're swimming in uncharted waters, but I promise we'll get through this – I'm determined to get better. I know you're scared and uncertain, but everything's going to be okay. We'll follow Tricia's instructions by checking in; and I hope these check-ins help you to feel less fearful." Stef looks up when she hears footsteps and sees Margo walking up the steps. "Margo just arrived so I have to go Baby. I promise I'm feeling better now, and I'm so thankful for your help with that. I'll talk to you in two and half hours; I don't want you to worry. I love you Lena."

Lena wipes her stray tears. "I love you too, Stef. I'll call you when it's time for your check-in. Take it easy okay? I talk to you soon."

"Okay Love, talk to you later."

Both women hang up the phone, slight anxiety still lingering in the air. Stef's pulled from her thoughts when Margo throws down a case file on her desk. "We have a problem..."