Maybe Lover?

Hidden Part

˚✧₊⁎ y / n ' s  p o v ⁎⁺˳✧༚

Tw: self harm
——————————————————

The amount of sad notes i had made these past few days started bugging me. How i type my problems and delete them the next day, scared that someone would read it, though no one would probably would.

I want help. But i don't want to bother them.
Finding videos, books, songs to distract my mind from doing what i call "magnificent art". It isn't really magnificent. Just plain straight red lines. With my wrist as my canvas. It was addicting. Painfully addicting.

I wish i could tell Levi how much i'm in pain. Oh how badly i want to. But he'll probably think i just want attention. He's already in pain, what if i put him in too much stress? I mean maybe i'm forcing our friendship too much?

I felt my tears on my cheeks, my silent cries. I wish i could scream in pain right now. But i don't want to worry my parents. They're probably questioning why I suddenly got distant with them.

The main reason why my mind got fucked up once again is because of... my old friends. Who i love and hate. How can i hate someone who made me feel the happiness i wanted?

— February 12 , 2019 —

Eating out with my friends sure sounds fun, but lately i've noticed how one of my friends, Jiya, who i've been friends with since i was young, got distant with me. I noticed how she no longer tells me stories about the anime dude he simps. How she would rather hang out with our other friends. Jealous. I was jealous.

"Hey Miya! How's your relationship with your boyfriend?" Jiya smirked as our friend, Miya, looked at her shocked, something probably happened, and i'm not aware of it.

"Wait... DID SOMETHING HAPPENED?!" I asked cheerfully. Please answer me. Please act like we're still friends. Please..

"Ahh.. well" Miya paused as Jiya continued laughing.

"It's nothing.. just fought with him again" Miya finally answered.

The conversation then switched to their current problems, how they are stressed about life and more. Most of the time i would also open up. I think i should try...

"Actually.. lately i've been feeling kinda.." i felt my heart stopped as i looked at Jiya, i noticed how her mood dropped.

i laughed for a minute, trying to hide how i'm actually nervous.

"I just.. noticed how my crush suddenly got distant with me- T-THOUGH that's not really the main reason why i get blue these days!"

Silence.

"Nevermind.. we all know life's a bitch anyway" i decided to stop. It's like they're rather annoyed.. yep I definitely fucked up

"Don't tell me you got depressed because of a guy?" Miya said, i definitely felt my heart, feet, brain- no. I definitely felt all my body freeze.

"I-i mean that's not the main reason- it's just- nevermind HAHAHHA"

please ask why i'm sad. Please..

"You should be thankful that you only have THAT as your reason why you're sad. How about us? Do you know how much stress we're going through" Jiya spoke.

I can only feel my words leave my mouth. And i pity myself seeing how much i wanted to explain my side.

"Oh yeah... right. Sorry, so what happened about Miya's boyfriend." I immiedietly tried to change the topic hoping it will cool down the fucked up atmosphere i created.

But sadly, it felt like hell as i thought our simple small misunderstanding turned into our reason of ending our strong friendship.

— October 5, 2020 —

What i thought our friendship ended maturely turned out horribly wrong. How i suddenly became the most topic of hatred in our school. Wow i feel like a main character right now HAHAH.

After opening up last year, which technically became the downfall of our friendship. I thought they would be mature and just act like they don't know me. But it went hella wrong when i became the topic of their gossips. "Toxic", "manipulative", "horrible", and more. Words that are now my adjectives. It spreaded like wild fire. Though no one really crossed the line physically with their hatred towards me. Sadly, the way how they talked about me crossed the line too much. How they would tell students about how i looked, how i act, how i fucking eat-YES! EAT!

My crush, the only person who listened to my problems before he suddenly got distant when i introduced him to my friends 2 weeks before our fight . And then boom! He's gone!

I started going to school extra early since then. I felt free. No one will say some shits about me for 1-2 hours! But then my short freedom got taken away when the new students arrived. Oh boy, how my eyes got teary knowing that i already have a bad image in their eyes.

After my talk with Levi, i pretended to take a nap. I really tried to sleep, but one of the new students were too loud. How he talks about how he wants to be free. And how the other 2 listened to him. I miss it. I miss it badly.

It was until lunch when i finally realized that probably Jiya and my other old friends told them about me. One of the new student's blue eyes keeps on staring at me and my oversized hoodie. Shit, Jiya probably told them about my magnificent art. Fucking shit.

— present —

It's been a week since they transferred. But what's creepy is how they stare at me weirdly. Like how the girl with the red scarf looks at me everytime i write something on my black notebook. Does she think i have a death note?

I realized it's been 2 hours since i told Levi that i will finally sleep. Obviously i was lying, me? Y/n L/n? Sleeping early? What in the fucked up combination is that? It's already 12 am. And 12 am is crying time. Quite funny i made a schedule. It's also been 30 minutes since i did a new art. Now my wrists are full of art. I seriously need help.

"Should i just sleep?" I asked myself. I decided to just do weird shits on my phone. My finger tapped my screenshots randomly. Wow. It's full of random fanfiction scenes and.. Levi's messeges.

I began reading his messeges while sad music plays in the background. His replies are really funny to be honest. He's like an old grandpa HAHAHHA. But not gonna lie, i was also crying while reading it. He listens to my problems. How can he understand me? How?

I decided to sleep since i don't want to be late for my school. Though my eyes are swollen- nah they're used to it anyways.

I closed my eyes. But didn't sleep afterwards. Ofcourse painful thoughts came back.

Levi, i wish you would find the hidden part of my life. Please help me.