Maybe Lover?

gone

tw: self harming & Suicide

9:00 pm

slowly turning the doorknob, anxiety making me hesitate to fully open the door. For no reason, i feel so scared going back. It's not like i did something bad.. But it doesn't even matter. I'm still fucked up even if i didn't do something

The dark living room greeted me. The tv was on, making the only source of light.

'this is so terrifying.' i shivered. As i started to walk once again, i then saw my mom staring at my reflection on the tv. Her expressions were nerve-racking.

-the same expression she has before she starts scolding me

"where were you?" she asked. Her head slowly turning to me.

She looks mad.

"visited a cafe and finished my homeworks.." as soon as i answered. I noticed her getting up from her seat.

It scared me. Knowing that our relationship is not exactly the loving mother and daughter kind of bond... well maybe it was never like that.

I used to want to be like her. Powerful. She knows what she wants and will do everything just to get it.. Until i found out about her manipulative attitude.

her stares are threatening enough. Why did i even expect that her eyes has those "motherly-love", was trying to find those heart warming expression in her eyes, yet it was always filled with disappointment. I was young when i loved her, and now i'm older, i pitied myself for trying so hard to be loved by her.

"let me see your arm"

My tears. I can feel my eyes water. The look she has while she asked me -it wasn't worry that's in her eyes but pure anger 

"no" i managed to answer with such weak voice. I avoided her eyes, slowly approaching my room

'please don't force me. Please don't force me-'

"Mom please don't" i voiced out as i felt her hands on my wrist.

i'm terrified. The way my eyes met hers. I can feel how ashamed she was by the look on her face.

i only wanted a mother like how kindergarten teachers describe what a mother is like.

"please don't" i begged

she stayed silent while folding my sleeves.

All my scars are exposed. All of it. My eyes can't handle the scene infront of me. And my heart can't accept that i have a mother like her.

"Y/n, are you insane?!" she shouted, tightening the grip on my wrist

I stayed silent. My mouth was dry and lacking the courage to talk back.

"Y/n, i have problems too! but i'm not that dumb to do this!" she frees my wrist harshly. Her tight grip leaving some red marks on my skin, blending in with my scars.