The Bucket List

39

"Okay, Rose, are you ready?" Devyn asked, a few days later. I was perched on the edge of her bathtub, Vaseline smeared around my hairline.

"Yes, I'm excited," I said. I decided I'd check 'makeover' off my list with Devyn. I'd told her she could dye my hair, but I let her pick the color and keep it a secret.

"Okay, so first we have to go through with bleach since I chose a really light color. You're going to love it, though," she said. It took a couple hours and several waiting periods, but soon enough we reached the end.

"Okay, I'm going to dry it before I show it to you," Devyn said excitedly. After what felt like forever, she finally set down her hair dryer and took the towel off of my shoulders.

"Okay! Go look!" she squealed. I shuffled over to the mirror and couldn't help but smile.

"It's...," I trailed off.

"It's rose pink," Devyn smiled sweetly. "You know, cause your name."

"Thank you," I whispered, staring at the dusty pink strands of hair spilling over my shoulders. "I love it."

"You do? Like, total honesty?" she asked.

"Of course I do. I really, really love it. Thank you," I said again.

"No problem at all!" she said. "So, now that that's done, what else is on your list?"

"Um, so we've got: go to a cave, go on a real date, sing in front of people, explore an abandoned place, travel somewhere new, and fall in love," I recited. I'd finally gotten around to memorizing them.

"Okay, see? That's already more than half of them that you've finished!" she said excitedly. I decided not to tell her what happens when the list is done.

"So... I vote Colby takes you on the date," she said. "Oh my god, has he said he loves you yet?"

"Yeah," I smiled. "When I was camping with the boys. We were on this big rock together just staring at the stars and he said 'I'm sort of in love with you'," I said.

"Oh my god! Did you say it back?" she gushed.

"I.. kind of, yeah," I replied. "Not exactly but yes."

"Wait, so doesn't that check off 'fall in love'?" she asked.

"No, I think loving someone and being in love are two different things. I'm not saying I won't fall in love with him, I just haven't yet," I replied.

"Okay, that's totally correct. But still, it'd be nice to check something else off of your list, you know?" she said.

"Dev, do you know what Colby said to me when we made this list?" I asked.

"Hm?" she asked.

"Look, you can't tell anyone, okay? Like, seriously," I urged.

"Of course," she agreed.

"Colby said that if I'm done with the list and still want to kill myself, he's not going to stop me," I said. Not really a way to ease into that one.

"I...he what?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Well that's...what the fuck. Why? What's the point of it, then?" she asked. "And why has he been helping you finish it?"

"Because he thinks if I do all of this crazy stuff that I've never done before, I'll 'fall back in love with being alive'," I quoted.

"That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," Devyn said. "I'm sorry, was that rude? Like, to you? Obviously it was rude to Colby."

"I mean, yeah, pretty stupid concept. But the intention behind it is amazing," I said. "It's like he was so sure he could fix me that I'd be okay after doing, like, 14 things."

"Well, do you think you'll be okay after all of them?" she asked.

"No," I chuckled. "BPD is chronic. I'll always be just a little bit broken for the rest of my life. And if I don't learn how to live with it, I won't be living at all."

"Well, there's got to be ways to treat it. Aren't you taking meds for it?" she asked.

"Yeah, but they don't make meds for it. I'm taking bipolar meds because that's the closest thing," I replied.

"What... what's the difference, exactly?" she asked.

"Bipolar is changes in months or weeks that last for months or weeks. Borderline personality disorder is like... like bipolar but fast. My moods change in minutes or seconds and only last for short periods of time. But because of how short I feel it, I feel everything super strong. Like, everything. You'll never be as happy as I've been, but you'll also never be as sad as I've been."

"Well that means you could potentially love Colby more than anyone who's ever loved him before, right? That's an upside?" she asked.

"It is," I agreed.

But there was someone more important that I needed to fall in love with first. Myself.