The Bucket List

26

"I'm impulsive, have no sense of emotional boundaries, live in a constant state of fearing abandonment, suffer from extreme mood swings, and have chronic feelings of emptiness and anger," I said.

"I... what?" Colby asked. I sighed and stepped back, motioning for him to come into my house. "You know, when you asked me to come over, I figured it would be for something for fun than you listing some terrible flaws you seem to think you have."

"I did not make that list up. Dr. Maddie Groff did," I said.

"Wait, you went? To see a psychiatrist?" he asked.

"Yeah. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. BPD for short. That's the big one," I said.

"Hey, now you know! Are you going to go see her again?" he asked.

"I don't think so. She recommended me to some support groups, but that's just not really my kind of thing," I said.

"I'd rather you be a support group junkie than a suicidal person, Rose," he said.

"Not up to you, now is it?" I asked.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help," he said. "But, you know, that does explain some things. Mood swings and your temper, I mean."

"I do not have a bad temper," I argued.

"You do, though," he said. "It's okay, though. I still think you're cute."

"Did you hear what I said? My brain makes it chemically impossible for me to maintain a healthy relationship. Why are you flirting with me?" I asked.

"Rose, you're the same person you were before you got diagnosed. Now there's just a label to why you feel the way you do. I don't care what you have, I care about who you are," he said.

"Okay, then let's talk about what all of this is," I said.

"All of what is?" he asked. I pointed between us.

"This weird thing we have going on. Friends except you saved my life and kissed me and are now desperately trying to keep me alive all the while denying any feelings you might have for me," I said.

"You said friends, so we're friends," he said.

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"Because I like you?" he said.

"Then why haven't you done anything else?" I asked.

"Sorry, did you want me to sweep you off your feet and take you to your room so I can fuck the shit out of you?" he asked. I stared at him for a second, my eyes a little wide, before we simultaneously burst into laughter.

"No, Colby, that's not really what I had in mind," I laughed.

"Then be more specific!" he said.

"Okay, why haven't you asked me on a date or something? It's on the list anyway," I said.

"Okay, do you want to go on a date?" he asked.

"I do," I said.

"Then we'll go on a date. Tomorrow at 6. I know you don't work," he said.

"Okay. Tomorrow at 6," I repeated.

"Sounds good," he said.

"Yes it does," I replied.

"Now go join a support group," he said.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I'll kiss you again if you agree," he said.

"That doesn't seem manipulative at all," I replied.

"Glad you agree," he said. I crossed my arms and stared at him. Maybe it would be good just to go check it out, see how other people are coping.

"Fine. I'll find one," I said.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to resist that," he said.

"Shut up and go home," I laughed, pointing at the door.

"What, don't want your kiss?" he asked.

"I'll just get it tomorrow at six," I said, pushing him out the door.

"Can I at least get a hug?" he asked. I let him wrap his arms around me and I returned the action.

"I want you to know I'm really proud of you," he said softly. "I know your life has been anything but easy."

"Thank you," I said back. He held me for another moment before walking through the front door and disappearing into the night.

Now to find a support group.

I combed through everything on Maddie's list and decided on one called Hopeful Hearts: Treating Trauma, Depression, PTSD, Personality Disorders, and More for Young Adults. Gross. They met on Thursdays, which was tomorrow. Guess I'd be going then. It started at 3:30 and went to 5, which would give me enough time to come home and get ready after.

I sighed and shut my laptop. Why was getting help so much work?