What We Could Never Be (gxg)

Part 27- College

Life felt like a daze after Oliver's death. His absence was very obvious to me- my life felt a lot less bright. I wound up going back to school the second week of November, and I could barely concentrate. I slept a lot- my school work fell to the wayside. I went to soccer practice, but I wasn't on my game. Everyone seemed to rally around me- including both my parents- but I just wanted Oliver there.
Thanksgiving Break was a welcomed time off from school. I ate with Brianna's family, and wound up spending some time with my mom. Since Oliver passed, she had been very sweet to me. She did my hair for me- she made it a very light platinum blonde and cut it a little past my shoulders. I knew Oliver would've said it looked great.
It was 2 weeks until Winter Break after Thanksgiving. I saw I had an email from my advisor, Kira. She asked me if I could meet with her. That afternoon I went to the advising office.
"Hi, Blake." She smiled at me. Kira was a very attractive woman, with beautiful tight curls, smooth dark skin, and huge brown doe eyes. "Take a seat."
I sat down across from her. "Hi."' I smiled at her.
"Thank you for meeting with me today. I know things haven't been easy for you lately."
"You're right." I said.
"I wanted to talk to you about how you're feeling regarding your major. How are you doing with the Nursing program?"
I sighed, "I am honestly struggling, Kira. Even before my best friend passed I was struggling to keep up."
Kira nodded, "I can see that in your grades. And that's okay- the nursing program is not for everyone, Blake. I just don't want you to completely fail out of it. Have you thought about any other majors possibly?"
"I haven't really. Let me think about it." I said.
I talked with Savannah about it that night in the dining hall.
"Nursing sucks." She nodded, "Sometimes I really question why I'm in this program."
"I honestly think I'm going to have to switch. But I have no idea what to switch to. I know I want it to be something that helps people out- I can't do like finance or something." I took a bite of my salad.
"Hmm..teaching?"
"I don't think I want to be a teacher. I do like healthcare."
"What about what your dad does, MRI? Like Radiology or something?"
"Unfortunately I don't think they have that major here. I'd have to go to a trade school."
"And we don't want that. I want you to stay here." Savannah frowned. Then her hazel eyes lit up, "What about social work?"
She was on to something. "I actually had thought about Social work before. But I chose Nursing over it. It would still be helping people."
"It would be, absolutely. And it's less science based, more psychology, which I know you like."
I told Brianna I was switching my major to Social Work, and she agreed that it was a good idea. She told me she thought I would be great at it.
Christmas Break started, and once again I predominantly stayed with Brianna. However, on Christmas Day I did go visit my mom. My little sister, Jade, was getting so big. She had curly blonde locks and the same green eyes as my mom and I.
Brianna and I hung out with Justin, Oliver's brother, over break quite a bit. He was really struggling with Oliver's death. He knew I was as well. He had a lot of guilt inside for feeling like he didn't catch the signs well enough of Oliver's drug use. I told him that he did everything he possibly could. And he told me the same. We agreed to be each other's shoulder to lean on. He told me that Oliver used to always call me his platonic soulmate. And I got a smile out of him when he told me he "knew".
"What do you know?" I asked him. Him, Brianna, and I were at Starbucks right before New Year's Eve. We had agreed to spend New Years Eve with him and a couple of his friends as well.
"About you and Oliver- that you lost your virginities to each other." Justin chuckled.
Brianna started laughing. She knew about it- and thought it was hilarious. I started laughing too.
"We were 15!" I said. "And we both joked that we turned the other gay."
The three of us kept laughing. Justin was tearing up from laughing so hard. It wasn't even that funny, and people in Starbucks were looking at us. But we needed that release- something to laugh about.
In mid-January I moved back into school. My life still felt like I was just going through the motions- but it did help a bit that Social Work was a bit less challenging of a major. And I didn't have soccer to worry about again until the Spring.
February rolled around and I was doing better in school which was a good thing. I was liking my classes. Brianna texted me a couple days before Valentine's Day that she wanted to take me out. We didn't really make Valentines Day a big deal- Brianna thought it was a "stupid Hallmark holiday."
She told me to dress up in something nice. I had been predominantly wearing sweatshirts and leggings the past few months and no makeup. So tonight, I put on a short dark red pencil shirt and tucked in a black sheer blouse. I paired it with black tights and boots. I straightened my hair and put on some makeup. I looked in the mirror after dabbing on some nude lipstick. I thought I looked nice.
Brianna did too. At dinner, which was at a really nice Japanese/Thai restaurant she made reservations at, she kept telling me how nice I looked, and that she wanted to rip the cute outfit off me.
Which she basically did when we got back to the dorms. She made me feel good. I didn't even care of people in my dorm hall heard. We hadn't done anything sexual that much in the past few months, I wasn't really in the mood- which she was very understanding about.
We laid down together in my bed, both in our bras and underwear. It was past midnight, and my room was dark. Savannah said she would stay with another friend tonight and give us the room to ourselves.
Brianna was looking at something on her phone and I took a casual peek at what she was looking at.
I felt pit in my stomach form when I saw it was the website for the Army. It hadn't even crossed my mind that she was still thinking about it. And I didn't know what I would do without her when she would have to leave.
"Are you still looking at the Army?" I asked casually.
She turned her head and looked at me. "Oh...yeah. I'm trying to see if maybe soon I can get a meeting with a recruiter."
So she was serious. "Oh...um, when did you think you maybe wanted to join?"
"I was thinking possibly this summer. I don't know. I want to to be the right time for me, but also for you."
"And you're sure you want to join the military?" I asked. "It's a huge commitment."
She narrowed her eyes slightly. "Do you not want me to enlist?"
"I want you to do what you want to do. Really, I want you to be happy. It's just-you'd be gone."
"Not permanently. I would come back. Or we could even move together somewhere."
Move? "I'm in college. I can't move, Brianna."
"We would figure it out, I promise."
This was one of those times where her easygoing attitude was bothering me. What was there to figure out? I had to stay here.
"I also thought you wouldn't go just yet. You know...since everything has happened."
Brianna looked into my eyes, "I'm not leaving yet. And I will always be here for you no matter what."
"We wouldn't be able to talk though while you're in training."
Brianna sighed. I was starting to feel the pit in my stomach grow. I felt an uneasiness I had never felt with Brianna before. "Blake. You know I love you. And I hope I don't sound like a bitch when I say this. But I am going to need to do this for myself. I want to be with you more than anything- but I want to be the best me I can be...for us."
I felt bad for seeming if I came off selfish. But I also just couldn't bear the thought of her leaving. "Can we not talk about this right now." I said softly.
She nodded and kissed the top of my head. But I knew this wasn't the end of this conversation.