What We Could Never Be (gxg)

Part 28- College

I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling I had after mine and Brianna's conversation on Valentine's Day. We would hang out and things would be okay, but there was a slight unspoken tension- like there was an elephant in the room.
I didn't want her to think I was selfish and not want her to do something she really wanted to. I knew her life couldn't just revolve around me. But I couldn't help but think that she was leaving at such an inconvenient time, and also that she just wasn't thinking this through. I couldn't just up and move wherever she would be. I had a scholarship for school.
One Saturday in mid-March, not long after Brianna and I celebrated her 19th birthday, I went to go spend time with my mom. She asked me if I wanted to come over and have lunch with her and my little sister, who was now 19 months old- so almost two. I had been talking to her more, and I think she was trying to mend our relationship. She had been a lot more attentive since Oliver passed away.
She made us some homemade pizza. That was something she would make a lot for me when I was a little girl- and I loved it. It still felt nostalgic to me.
We sat at the kitchen table together with Jade. Ryan was at work she told me.
We chatted for a bit about school and then to my surprise, she asked me, "How is Brianna?"
She never asked me about her. "Oh...she's good." I said, taking a bite of pizza.
"Is she still a personal trainer?" My mom asked me.
"Yes, she is."
"Is that what she wants to do, like as a career?" My mom asked me, "Thats cool if it is."
"She actually wants to join the Army." I said.
I saw my mom raise her eyebrows slightly. "Oh. When is she planning on doing that?"
"She wants to this summer." I said. I didn't like talking about this.
"She does realize you two won't be able to talk at all when she goes off to training? And then depending what she wants to do she will have up to a year of training afterwards." My mom said.
"Apparently she does."
"It also seems like an odd time. I mean...you're going through a lot."
"That's what I thought too."
"And she might have to be stationed somewhere else in the country. Or the world if she goes active."
"You know a lot about the army." I said.
"My ex-boyfriend was in it. It's tough."
"When we were talking the other day she mentioned that she would want to be stationed in California. But like...I can't just move across the country."
"Of course not. You're in college."
I sighed. "She doesn't seem to get it." It felt weird opening up to my mom about Brianna, but it also felt good to open up about it.
"You don't sound thrilled about this at all."
"No. I'm not." I admitted.
"Blake, you've been with Brianna for a long time. Are you like...100% sure this is what you want?" My mom broached carefully.
"I love her." I said to my mom.
"I know that, baby. But you haven't been able to explore anything else. You're still so young. I just don't want you to be stuck in something you're unhappy in- like if she joins the Army."
"Do you actually think I would be unhappy?"
"Not necessarily. But it's really tough. I just want you to think about it."
And I did. More than I would like. I loved Brianna. More than anything. But I wanted this to be the right time for us. The right thing for me. And her.
Beginning of April rolled around and on Friday, April 8th, Brianna came to visit me. It was getting to be the end of Freshman year. She told me she had a meeting to go to for work and then she would be coming up.
I let her into my dorm room at around 7 PM. She gave me a kiss. "How was your meeting?" I asked her.
She paused, and then looked at me. "It wasn't a work meeting. I want to be honest with you."
"Okay...what kind of meeting was it?"
"I met with an Army recruiter." Brianna looked down.
I took a deep breath. "Why didn't you just tell me that?"
"I don't know. You don't exactly seem the most supportive about me enlisting."
"Well, what did the Recruiter say?"
"He told me he could get me to basic training in June."
I felt my heart start to beat faster. "That's two months or less."
"I know. But the faster I go, the faster I get back."
"And did you tell him that you wanted to do it?" I asked her.
"I told him I was seriously considering it."
I closed my eyes. "Brianna, why do you even want to join the Army?" I asked her.
"I want a meaningful career. I just-I want to do something that feels like it has purpose. That also involves physical activity."
"Do you not feel like you have any purpose now?"
She took a step closer to me. "Of course I do. It's right in front of me. But Blake, I have to do this for me."
"I get that, Brianna. I really do. But I feel like you are not considering us one bit. You just expect me to move with you after you're done training? You want to move to California apparently!" I said, getting angrier with each word.
"I was just thinking out loud." Brianna said.
"That's what this whole thing feels like- you thinking out loud."
Brianna narrowed her eyes. "Blake, this whole year I have visited you every week. Been there for you through everything. It feels like it's been a lot about you. I've been working a job that I don't even like all that much. I want to do more. Have more for myself."
"It feels like it's been a lot about you." That statement hurt. I hadn't realized at all she felt that way.
"Are you even happy with me?" I asked her.
She looked taken aback, "What? Of course I am. Where is this coming from?"
"I don't know. I was talking to my mom...she brought up the point that we got together when we were so young. It feels like our goals and what we want are just changing." I said. I wasn't sure what the resolution of this argument would be.
"You spoke to your fucking mom about this? Who hasn't been for you the past few years?" Brianna looked pissed. "Blake, I've been the one that has been there for your the past few years. Been your family."
I was starting to realize this conversation wasn't going anywhere. She was going to leave. And I didn't want her to. I wanted her to stay here with me. And I couldn't fully support what she wanted to do with her life. Where the fuck did this leave us?
"And now you're leaving." I said. I could feel tears brimming to my eyes.
"I'm not going to just not do this because you want me to stay right now. I'm not going to be gone forever. So many couples do this." Brianna's voice sounded like it was slightly pleading with me.
But I didn't want to do this. I didn't want her to go to the Army. I loved Brianna- so much. But this felt like we were going on two different paths.
So I said that. "It just feels like our lives are going on two different paths."
"Okay. So what are you trying to say? Are you trying to break up with me right now, Blake?" Brianna's voice cracked. And it broke my heart. My heart was also breaking in a million pieces because I knew the answer.
"I don't know what else to do." I said. Tears were spilling over onto my cheeks.
I will never forget seeing the color drain from Brianna's face like it did when I said that. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I-I don't know what else to do! We both clearly want different things. I don't want to just be unhappy."
Brianna let out a sob. And then another. In the two and a half years of dating, I had seen her cry. Be upset. But never saw her break down like this. "I'm sorry if I make you so fucking unhappy!" She yelled.
"You don't! I just-"
"You know what Blake, maybe this should be fucking over. I don't want to be with someone who won't support what I want to do."
I was non stop crying. The tears were just flowing. "Then it should be."
"Fine! Fuck this. I can't fucking believe this." Brianna cried, and then before I knew it, she had slammed the door to my dorm room and was gone. I expected her to come back- but she didn't. No calls. No texts.
This was it. I could feel it. And as I started to realize it, I started to panic. Sheer panic washed over me. I lost the person I loved the most in this world. Yes, she was still here. Physically. But she was not mine anymore. And I never felt more devastated.

A/N: I hated writing this chapter 😂 It made me really sad to write out this break up. There will be one more college chapter, and then the story will take place in the present day from then on. Let's hope Blake and Brianna get their happy ending. I think they might.