Shattered

Chapter 45

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Sorry is a funny word.

More often than not, it's a word said without sincerity. A person can only say sorry so many times before it begins to lose its meaning, and by that point, all trust in their word has vanished. Sorry, is a word I have trouble accepting from people, and Nakoa was not exempt from this.

Her feelings were ready to admit wrongfulness and apologize, but my feelings were not ready to forgive, and it's not something I hold against myself. She stood before me and spoke the words I didn't expect to hear from her at all, but I only felt weary; my guard still standing tall.

I had said thank you for the apology, but I never told her I forgave her, because in truthfulness, I didn't, her words still stung. And when I look back, I realize this was my one chance to accept her apology; I wouldn't be given another. It's difficult for me to decide whether or not I felt I regretted this decision, there's not much that could have changed from it.

After what happened that unfortunate first day, I can't say the next was any better, not nearly. It was worse. Much worse.

The beginning of the end started that night after Nakoa apologized.

It was around ten when I told Chandler I was tired and wanted to go to bed. He had been outside, on the deck, making several phone calls while I sat with Nakoa and Lucas on the couch, absentmindedly watching whatever was on the tv, slowly drifting off to sleep. Nakoa and I randomly made awkward eye contact, neither of us speaking much since noon, when she apologized. Lucas, unlike me, was past the point of nodding off every few minutes, he had seemingly fallen asleep entirely, one arm draped around Nakoa.

Quietly, I left the couch, opening the sliding door and walking to Chandler. A chilly breeze ran by, carrying the sound of waves, which crashed louder and harder with the high tide. As I stepped toward him, my arms wrapped around myself subconsciously, acting as a shield from the cold wind, Chandler realized I was there, pocketing his phone.

Without hesitation, he pulled me into his arms, turning his back to the direction of the wind so I wouldn't feel it. "I just wanted to say goodnight, you seem busy, so don't stop because of me," I suggested.

"No, it's fine, it can wait."

His body was warm against mine, but his hands were cold.

"Lucas didn't say anything to upset you, did he?" Chandler asked softly, running his fingers through my hair.

"No, he hasn't spoken to me since you came out here, I'm just tired and want to lay down." I pulled my head away from his chest, looking up to meet his eyes. There was a warmth behind them, one I didn't see often. Usually, they were cold and commanding, holding an unfounded anger.

"Okay, that's good." He gently kissed my forehead, loosening his hold and then leaning down to kiss my lips. "I'll be there in a little while, I have to finish a few more things." He sounded stressed, carrying his tension from whatever happened with that crime lord partner of his from earlier.

As I walked away, I couldn't shake a feeling of déjà vu, one that left me uneasy.

Heading back to the bedroom Chandler and I had been staying in, I mumbled a quiet goodnight to Nakoa, avoiding disrupting Lucas's sleep, for both our sakes. The further I walked from the living room, the lower the sound of the tv became, dissolving in the air until all was silent.

I found peace in the silence.

It was like releasing a breath I had held in all day, finally allowing my lungs to let go of the tension. Without sound, I could focus on my thoughts and once again become aware of myself. No longer did it feel like everyone around was in control, now it was only me, I was the only voice to be heard.