Shattered

Chapter 20

Trigger warning: This chapter contains a lot of suicidal thoughts, as well as actions taken towards it. I know what it's like to have those thoughts, so I strongly advise you to talk to someone you're close to if you're struggling. Stay strong!

This chapter is dedicated to @AvaCross122, who's been active commenter, because we're finally concluding why the jumping strategy won't work. (I notice all active voters and commenters ^-^)

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I want to see the world when I stop breathing.

With glassy eyes, I watched the dimming sun slowly descend below the horizon, sunlight fading with it, the bright artificial lights flickering on to replace it. The clouds swirled with colors, fragile snowflakes falling below them, to coat the icy ground. It was beautiful, and I appreciated every moment of the diminishing light.

Behind me, I could feel a presence, the familiar scent of mahogany and pine invading my senses. "It seems odd to have shatterproof glass in an apartment this far from the ground," I mumbled and glanced to the side, broken wood from both the chairs scattered across the floor, evidence that I did actually try to break the windows.

"You don't have to worry about robbers or gunfire, no, you're not trying to keep anything out, you're trying to keep it in." Chandler was silent, his slow and even breaths the only sound emitting from him.

"Did you think I'd try and jump eventually?" It wasn't the death I wanted, but I would've settled for it, at least the view would be pretty. To be fair, I don't think any death is desirable, but at this point, I don't want to wait for nature to run its course with me, I'm taking matters into my own hands. It's my life after all.

Sorry can't save me now.

"I have my reasoning behind it," He breathed out, placing a hand on my shoulder, gently pushing me to lay straight. "You haven't eaten all day, Jess." His eyes met mine, I didn't bother trying to hide the salty tears on my cheeks, which fell noiselessly. "I'm not in the mood to eat, don't make me." Shrugging his hand off, I shifted to sit, turning back to the window, frowning in disappointment that the little bit of sunlight left had melted away already.

"Jess-"

"No, I'm not going to." Pulling my hair from the loose bun, I let the red strands fall down my sides, gently running my fingers through them. "Listen to me for once." Waiting for it, I expected Chandler to lash out in anger, but he never did.

After a few minutes, he left the room without a word, and I took that as my cue to get a move on. I wanted him to be here to see it. Thinking about it the whole day, I realized that there weren't many options for suicide in this apartment. I did think of pulling a chair to the fridge and repeatedly stabbing myself to death, violent, I know, but Stella wouldn't leave me alone, so I gave up and returned to the bedroom. There was no way I'd harm her just to kill myself, this was about Chandler and me, not Stella, Nakoa, or Lucas. I also debated hanging myself from the stairwell, but there wasn't an anchor point to tie a sheet from. It's clear that jumping to the asphalt wouldn't work either with the damn windows. I even went as far as to search the pantry for any of the foods I'm allergic to, knowing I could suffocate without an epi-pen.

I'm not okay, I feel so shattered.

Believe me when I say that I couldn't imagine any other way except this one.

Wrapping my hand around the brisk metal, I slowly turned the knob, watching the water begin to pour out. With my other hand, I plugged the drain, doubting this would even work. From what I know, drowning yourself in shallow water isn't easy, especially with nothing to weigh my body down.