Shattered

Chapter 51

It's been a long time coming, I missed you all.

When the sun rises, if the sun rises at all.

The earth was dreary, warn and weathered, like the reflection I saw every time I looked in a mirror. The woman I see is no stranger, yet she is a person I don't know. A familiar face with an indecipherable persona. She is me, but she is not someone I recognize.

Sometimes I relive the memories of my time with Chandler, and each time, they seem scarier than I remember, but nothing scares me more than the mystery of what will happen tomorrow. In the moment, the adrenaline of survival always removes the reality of the situation, but my memories lacked that adrenaline. Through them, I could see what I had previously glanced through, all the words I ignored.

In a way, the Chandler who lived in my memories was scarier than the Chandler I looked upon with every passing day.

In the present, I could be fooled by his bouts of care, the moments where he treated me like a human. Sure, I would think back on it later and see the sinister side of it, but even if just for a moment, I could pretend my life wasn't so bad.

Without thinking, I could pretend everything was okay.

I could pretend Nakoa was happy.

I could pretend Nyx was in a normal relationship with Soren.

I could pretend Stella wouldn't be held accountable if I escaped.

The luxury of a thoughtless mind was not something I could afford.

"Jess, you alright?"

My head turned to follow his voice, surprised to see him so close, his legs nearly touching my knees as he stood before me.

"Just thinking," I answered plainly, feeling the anxious excitement of being away from the apartment leave me. Nothing more, there was nothing more I desired than to be back in my home, with my family.

"About the possibilities?" he asked, his fingers running through my hair.

"No," I shook my head, rubbing on my temples, unable to even consider thinking about the pregnancy.

"About life, that's all," I said, hoping the stop the conversation there.

Today, I didn't want to be emotional, not in the way I was yesterday. There were important things at hand, leaving no time for any fits of mine, whether they be anger or sorrow induced. I will not be overcome by my feelings, not today. So many days have been spent in tears that for once I just wanted to feel nothing.

I'm tired.

"I talked to Naida and she said she would be over here once she finished up some things." Without any implication, he began removing my coat, which I realized had left me feeling a bit warm. While his office didn't feel particularly heated, there was a neutral balance between the temperature outside and the temperature in here. It differed from the apartment, which was often left at a cooler level.

"Did you tell her the reason why I wanted to see her?"

He draped my coat over the back of the small couch I had sat on, now standing beside him instead.

"No, I thought you might want to explain it yourself."

I liked it when he was conscious and considerate of how I might feel, if only he were like that every day.

"Thank you, I appreciate that," I said, sounding politer than I normally would. Maybe praise would inspire him to do better. If he sees something make me happy, wouldn't he be more likely to repeat it? Honestly, I didn't know, but playing psychologist allowed me to dismiss things I didn't want to acknowledge.