Stagnant

Anger

"We're lost!" I yell in to nothing, just the greenness and plants around me. That's all I could see, that's all there was for miles around, just green and plants and more green and plants.

My throat was burning, contracting and I felt the need to clench my fists tightly.

After visiting Gloucester and watching the game where I read the rest of Pride and Prejudice, we made our way to the fifth stop of the tour: Worcester.

"Are we lost?" He glances at me quickly with a smirk before looking back at the map, his voice teasing.

I glare at him before motioning to where we were. "Yes! We don't know where we are or the way out. That's literally the definition of lost!"

"It's a maze. Isn't that the point? Why are you so angry?" He looked up at me, a teasing grin on his face that angered me-

I was annoyed, I was angry at him for being so nonchalant over the fact that we had been stuck in this maze for over three hours and still hadn't found a way out.

My mind rushed and my heart pouned at the revelation of another emotion coming through. Anger; it was bombarding me, seeping its way through my body after a slight crack in my emotional numbness revealed itself -like how water would in a cracked dam.

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. I knew this. Even though it's a surface emotion, a feeling that is pretty easy to express and feel, it's still an emotion. The burning, the fist clenching... it was anger. Anger is a very physical emotion requiring a full amount of energy and I was utilising that energy, releasing it in the form of anger. I couldn't stop, it kept building and building and building, not ever stopping.

I was angry. I was feeling something else.

Inhaling heavily, I let out the breath, my mind spinning and overlapping with thoughts. Everything was happening at once, my mind was all over the place, all the thoughts twirling like a tornado so I couldn't make out a single one.

"I don't know." I swallowed harshly, confused by the amount of anger that was swirling inside.

The months of pain and anger and heartache that I had missed due to the emotion deprivation was unloading on me. Everything I hadn't felt because I simply couldn't was washing over me. I was already in a deep ocean, the calm and tranquil darkness but now I was rising, I was at the surface and the rough waves on top were battering me, slamming me under and back up and under again. This was the anger. The emotions that had cut themselves off from me were all mashed together, forming anger and throttling, strangling, drowning me after the first sign that there was life still inside me.

Maybe I wasn't dead inside, maybe I was just dying but the pain got so much so I passed out for a long time to try and stop the feeling. That's what people who are in car crashes do, don't they? They pass out because of the pain, they might go in to a coma. Maybe this was my first sign that I was coming out of the coma.

But then I would have to deal with the pain, the gut wrenching and agonising pain that I had been in before. Pain doesn't just go away, it's always there, just buried over time and people call it moving on. I hadn't 'moved on' and now I was scared, I was terrified of the pain that would follow after I fully wake up from this emotional coma.

"Just admit it, Elizabeth."

"Admit what?" I growled out, narrowing my eyes at him.

His sapphire eyes softened. "Admit that you're not as numb as you thought you were. I don't think you're numb, you're not incapable of feeling emotions. You're human. Emotions are what makes us human. I think you're just broken, so shattered, broken and tired and you can't bear to feel that pain you went through again so you bury it. You bury it deep inside you, covering it up so you can't access it. It's so deep inside you even you don't know it's within you. That's unhealthy but it's a good thing I have a shovel Eliza. I'm going to dig them up."