Stagnant

Guilt

A bitter chill runs down my spine, the late winter wind biting and nipping at my exposed face and hands. My nose and fingers threaten to fall off from the bombardment.

"I'll ring them now."

There's no rain, the night clear and cold yet puddles reflecting the silver moon, ripples erupting as my heavy footsteps send tiny vibrations through the ground; mini tsunamis in the potholes of the weathered roads.

"Your aunt said yes."

The moon calms me, what was once my only friend in the entire world helps me with what I'm about to do. After all, I need all the courage.

"She would love to have you."

With no lampposts or torchlight, only the moon as my light source, I navigate my way through the streets, knowing this town like the back of my hand and having my feet guide me to my destination before my mind even conjures up a map on how to get there.

"She says you'll love Plymouth."

I would love anywhere that's far away from this forsaken and haunted town.

A sigh of relief almost escapes me as the bridge enters my sight, the old, weathered and ridgedy bridge that I tried to kill myself on. This bridge that holds so many memories.

"Hi old friend." I whisper to it, grasping the wooden structure lightly.

I had hoped there would be a voice, a familiar voice, responding and a familiar person standing in the middle of the bridge but there's no voice and no person.

I am well and truly alone.

Sighing, I sit on the path before the bridge, crossing my feet underneath me as I stare down at the coursing river underneath and the old wooden bridge. I can barely see the river, it and the trees waving on the banks blending in to the darkness but I can hear it. Rustling and annoyed filled sighs from the trees, the wind disturbing their deep slumber and the treacherous river that flows heavily.

So many memories, both loving and haunted, surround this place. Maybe the bridge is just cursed and that's why no one uses it. They're right to not use it.

Ornsbury bridge is cursed.

Or maybe it's just my life.

I always thought Elliot and I would spend our birthdays together, us never missing one. We had spent eighteen birthdays together, eighteen years to celebrate the very same day we were born. We loved sharing birthdays. When we were younger we had joint birthday parties, not once arguing about what theme we wanted. We mutually agreed and decided together. As we grew older we always chose something the other would like, not once wanting to disappoint or not make the others birthday memorable. We couldn't bare the thought of hurting the other. Then at sixteen, we planned future birthdays together.

At nineteen we would go paintballing. At twenty we would go away to the city for the weekend, drink and relax and have fun. At twenty one we wanted to go to America. After twenty one we would only do big things to celebrate the birthdays ending in five and zero.

We never got to do the first one and the second one, our twentieth birthday.... well I'm sat beside Ornsbury bridge.

I hadn't thought about my birthday -our birthday. I thought I would spend it in bed, depressed and alone and thinking of Elliot, but on the road trip with Jackson I had a thought that maybe I wouldn't be alone. Maybe I would have Jackson to help me forget the significance of my birthday, and maybe he would help me forget on all my birthdays.

I didn't want to celebrate if Elliot wasn't here and Jackson would have known that. It would have been a normal day but we would have done something to celebrate Elliot's life.

But that never happened... because he left. Because he had more important things to do. Because he didn't want me.

No. It wasn't like that.

I didn't blame him, not one part of me blamed him for leaving this small and forsaken town, for choosing his dreams because if I was given the chance to leave then I would. I would leave and never look back.

I will leave and never look back.

Elliot is the only thing that makes me want to look back. Elliot is here, his ghost is here and so is his memory. And that's the problem. To heal healthily and to recover from this storm of depression that has reigned over me for over a year, I need to run away and never look back.

I just hoped I didn't sink. I hoped I could hold my own hand to stop me from getting lost. My birthday wish is to be my own knight in shining armour.

Maybe after I move on I can stomach being here again but right now, living here is my nightmare.

And maybe putting some distance between my parents and I will somehow help us get back what we had.

But I know, at the back of my mind, that we will never get back what we had and I will never go back to the person I was. Both them things involved Elliot and Elliot wasn't coming back. How could we go back to being one big happy family when part of that family wasn't there?

It was an impossibility.

"I miss you Elli." I wait for his voice. I wait for him to tell me to not call him that, because Elli is a girls name and his name is Elliot. I wait for him to tease me about sharing the same name as our monarch and I wait for his wide grin and laugh that's funnier than the joke.

I wait, only hearing the wind rushing past my ears, the river rushing below in its chasm and the small chatter of wildlife. No voice. No Elliot.

"So I went on a roadtrip with Jackson Ryder." I say in to nothing, hoping that he could still hear me though. "Remember Jackson? Your rugby captain while you were on the team? Yea well it's him and he's great Elli. Kind of pissed at you for not properly introducing us when we were at school still. You must have known how amazing he is."

He would push me away from him and tell me that he didn't want me going out with his rugby captain. However, if it meant Jackson went easier on him during training then he would have allowed it.

"He's amazing though Elli. Kind, generous, caring, funny. The best guy I have ever met. Well second. You're first." The pain in my chest starts again; knives plunging in. "But he's left. Gone to Exeter to join the rugby team. All gone now."

He would threaten to kill him, angry at the boy who broke my heart.

"I love him Elli." I roll my lips and will myself not to cry. The Arctic wind helps freeze my tears. "Why did you leave me? We promised each other we would always celebrate our birthdays but you're not here. You've left me. I'm your twin... I thought we would never leave each other. We promised..."

I wait again for his response, for his apology and his speech about how we would always be twins even though one half is missing but it doesn't come. No voice. No Elliot.

Inhaling and standing up, I touch the wooden rail of the bridge again. "I'm leaving Elliot, I can't be here anymore but just because I'm not in this town anymore doesn't mean you're not with me. I will never forget my twin. I will never forget my best friend. I love you."

I'm just about to turn around and walk away from the bridge when I hear it. I hear a voice, it reaching my ears, a deep, rumbling carrying on the wind.

"Elizabeth!"