Stagnant

Sorrow

This entire trip I had been thinking about where to next, where are we running to next but I never thought about what would happen when it ended. What would happen when we had to stop running?

Everything comes to an end... everything ends and everything dies. That is the depressing truth of the universe. It may be depressing but it is also beautiful. If nothing ever died then everything would last forever and nothing would ever get started. Everything would be taken for granted and no one would feel the need to do anything because they have forever. It would be everlasting and there is nothing beautiful in that.

But we don't; we don't have forever. We have limited time, everything has a time frame and everything has its time.

That's what makes life worth living, that's what makes life beautiful.

Our trip was ending and as much as the thought caused my stomach to drop and my depression to deepen, I tried to remain positive.

Home.

My home was my prison, it was where my depression stemmed and grew out of control like a neglected and overgrown garden that resembled a forest.

I hated my home but I knew if Jackson was with me then the vortex of depression wouldn't be that bad. I would be able to fight it. I wouldn't be alone anymore and with that thought, a smile grew on my face.

"So when are we going back home?"

He curses before meeting my eyes. "Um I'm not sure."

The guilt pregnant in his eyes causes my heart to pound, my stomach dropping at the glint in his sapphire eyes. "What? What's wrong?"

All this trip he had been happy, a grin engraved on his face, a light gleaming in his eyes... but now? Now his eyes were dimmed with guilt, a frown downturning his lips. "Elizabeth... I'm sorry for not mentioning it before but I didn't want this trip to feel like it was on a timer."

My eyebrows furrow. "What do you mean?"

Exhaling heavily, he rubbed a hand down his face before meeting my eyes. "I'm not going home. I'm moving to Exeter. I'm joining the rugby team there."

And just like that my heart broke.

This whole trip I had been feeling, I had realised so much about myself and my depression and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to fight. For the first time in a long time, I could see a glimpse of a future and I was excited for it. That future involved Jackson.

He had told me he would always be there, he wouldn't leave me but now he was. Like everyone else in my life he was leaving me.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not enough.

He was leaving me. I was going back to that forsaken town alone. I was going back to where my depression stemmed from, where Elliot died and where I tried to kill myself. That town was nothing but disease ridden, it was under a constant cover of darkness and depression and I was going back to it, alone.

I'm always alone. Elliot had left me completely alone and vulnerable, my parents had forgotten about me and now Jackson was doing the same thing.

"You're... you're not coming back?" I whisper. I felt the need to gasp and clutch at my chest, an agonising pain erupting there but I didn't. I was used to pain.

The guilt and regret is clear as day on his face but that doesn't stop the feeling of abandonment that floods my body. I'm being abandoned again.

What is it with people leaving me?

Maybe this is what I deserve.

Shaking his head, he swallows audibly. "I wanted to tell you but it just was never the right time. This is a huge opportunity, Eliza. I can't give it up."