Stagnant

Forlorn

I had always thought, if I were to ever experience a heartbreaking pain again, I wouldn't feel it. I thought that because I had experienced the most heartbreaking and agonising pain that someone could ever experience that I was kind of immune to that kind of pain now. I thought it would feel like a poke or a needle pricking my finger but I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

This pain was nothing compared to losing Elliot. That torture was soul crushing, it was a pain that left me so broken that I would never be whole again, and I wouldn't. I would never recover from losing Elliot but this pain... the pain from losing Jackson... well it hurt.

Knives were being plunged in to my heart repeatedly, stabbing and slowly killing me. The pain was physical. My chest ached, my stomach dropped and I physically felt sick.

Falling in love was a concept I never really understood and after Elliot died I didn't think I would ever find anyone -let alone live long enough to fall in love and yet here I was. Jackson had slowly broken down my steel walls, inviting himself in to my heart and making camp. He was subtle, like a cheetah creeping up on its pray. I didn't even realise my feelings until it was too late, I didn't realise my feelings until he had decided to tell me that I would probably never see him again.

I knew it was easier this way. It was easier to not say anything, to not make it awkward and have to hear the speech about how the guy I had a more than serious crush on didn't like or want me like that. Because let's face it... Jackson Ryder -the beautiful inside and out Jackson Ryder- couldn't possibly fall for the depressed girl who wanted to kill herself. It was impossible.

Jackson Ryder would never feel that for me and I was accepting that and after today I would never have to see him again.

I would be alone for the rest of my life in that forsaken town where only bad things occurred.

"I can't believe this is it." He sighs and tries to smile but even I could tell he was forcing it.

This is it. The end.

"Yep." I force a chuckle to stop the sob. "The end of the road."

"For a moment there... I thought it could last forever, that we could run forever. I thought it wouldn't end. I didn't want it to end." He runs a hand through his hair, exhaling.

Me neither. "Everything ends eventually."

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" He asks yet again in his worried tone. His voice caused a stab of pain through my chest.

With a roll of my eyes, I fake a smile. "Of course I'm going to be okay. Stop worrying. You need to start focusing on your rugby career."

He chuckles but nods. "Yes you're right."

You're not important.

He is worth twenty of you.

"You're going to be amazing Jackson." This smile was real and so was the pain in my chest. "Everyone is going to love you."

"Thanks." His cheeks redden and I bite my lip to stop the tears.  His arms wrap around me for the last time. "I..." He starts before the train clacks loudly against the tracks, a high pitched squealing resounding through the air from the long red and grey train that pulled in to the station. Sighing and shaking his head, he kisses the top of mine and then my cheek, the longing kiss only millimetres away from my lips. My heart stops and then pounds like one of the trains on the tracks. "Stay safe and stay happy."

I hold back a scoff. Happy? That word wasn't in my vocabulary. Happiness and I didn't mix. Instead of making a snarky comment or ruining this moment, I wrap my arms around him and kiss his jaw. "Be amazing."

"You have my number." He grabs my arm before I left. "Call me. Please."

I don't think I would be able to. I don't think I would be able to hear about how happy he is in his new life without me and have to lie about how I'm doing okay. I don't think my strength stems that far. Instead of saying that though, instead of making him worry or feel guilty, I smile. "Of course. Bye Jack."

"Bye Liz."

As I sat on the train, staring out of the smudged and dirty window watching as the country side passed me by and the clouds darkened the closer and closer I got to my forsaken town, my heart broke further and further.

I was alone, well and truly. I had no one in this world by my side and I don't think I ever would again.

For girls like me, Jackson Ryder's only come around once and sometimes it works out -the girl gets the boy and they live happily ever after but with me? I didn't get a happily ever after and I don't think I ever would.

Happily ever afters are a complete fairy tale, they don't exist and anyone who thinks they do is only fooling themselves. The concept of a 'happily ever after' was simply implausible because as long as we lived there would always be some kind of risk or danger. There was always the risk of divorce, of arguments, of hurting, of pain, of losing someone, of not having enough money. We wished to have security and love -to go beyond the horizon and live happily for the rest of our lives, to be stable and to live without worry. The only truly happy beings in this world who suffer no dread or worry or pain are the dead.

Happily ever afters are a work of fiction; a story in which we read to our children. We all crave a happy ending but happy endings don't exist.

I didn't know whether I was going to be okay. I guess no one knew they were going to be okay. Life is surprising and there are new things around every corner but there was one thing I was certain about...

I didn't want to die.

Death was permanent and unknown, it was inevitable, something in this world we knew nothing about and everyone was scared of it and something that we could never escape from. No one wanted to die, they just wanted the pain to stop. But death is so ordinarily human; it's what makes our lives so special and worth living.

I didn't want to die yet and the only reason I realised that was because of the man I travelled around England with and fell in love with.

My heart broke because of Jackson Ryder, but it also loved because of him.

A life with love is a life that's been lived.

I had lived more in that past month than I had in the last nineteen years of my life and it was because of Jackson Ryder.

I had been barely surviving the past year, holding on to a non existent thread but the past month I had been alive. I had been living and it was because of Jackson Ryder.

He taught me that I wasn't completely numb -I was just broken and burying my feelings inside me. He taught me that I was strong and that -somehow- I would be able to get through this pain. He taught me that it was okay to feel. He taught me how to let out my feelings. He taught me how to love.

Death was the one thing I had been certain about but now I wasn't. I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop but it wouldn't. Pain doesn't stop. It kills you, it burns you and it consumes you like smoke in the lungs but it also heals. Time heals all wounds, it might take years and it might be hard but I wanted to try.

For Jackson.

For myself.

For Elliot.

I wanted to live for Elliot.