𝔽𝕀𝕃𝕆𝔽𝕆𝔹𝕀𝕊𝕂

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕦𝕣𝕡𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕖 𝕍𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕥

I wondered why Tom was drowning in misery when Summer left him after watching 500 Days of Summer. I wondered why Allie couldn't just forget Noah and move on from him after watching The Notebook. I wondered why Clementine seeked for a fucking insane therapy to forget Joel after watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I wondered why it was so painful for them to get on with their lives after a break up to the point that I thought they were being overdramatic. But then I knew. I knew exactly how they felt.

Regret, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion and loneliness consumed me as I left the love of my life. The pain was real and overpowering. It felt like someone grabbed a mallet and hammered my already torn heart, the pieces of it falling out of my reach. Every single time an image of him flashed in my mind, my heart jumped to my throat and threatened to burst out any time. The tears filled up as anticipated and rolled down my tear stained cheeks. I was too exhausted to even wipe off the tears, so I let them leave trails on my cheeks. After all, as he said, tears are meant to let go.

»»---------------------►

The pitter patter rhythm when the raindrops hit the glass windows and the intoxicating petrichor that filled up my lungs, as I stared at the scenery in front of me, made my mind less weighted. I was sitting on my window seat and watched the downpour for hours in silence. I compared my mind with the clammy mud involuntarily- both murky, messy and drowned. The hot chocolate that Zinnia brought me two hours ago was left undrunk as I felt like throwing up whatever that went down my throat.

It had been two and a half weeks since our break up. Danish tried calling me, explaining to me but it was all futile. What he did to me- going incognito, what he said to me- constant feeding of lies and what he was trying to do- taking advantage of a philophobic, were drilled into my mind that impaled my soul and left me in a vicious cycle of agony. I blocked him on every social media to stop receiving texts and blocked him from my life to stop having memories of him. But nothing worked, as memories were the worst slow poison that could kill even the Aphrodite above.

I screamed at him, yelled at him, cursed him to get out of my life. But when he did, I could feel that emptiness. A pothole that was formed from a small crack which was filled with lonesome. I just wished for this dreadful phase to end. I just wished to forget Danish and move on with my life, even if it was meant to be all alone and loveless. But then again, I did this to myself.

"Elka?" Zinnia called from the other side of my closed door.

I sighed heavily before saying, "Come in."

She opened the door and closed it behind her before taking steps towards my bed.

"You didn't drink it?" she asked, looking at the untouched hot chocolate on my study table as she sank down on my bed.

I shook my head. "No. I just don't feel like drinking it," I said, looking down at the floor.

"Understandable," Zinnia said, looking at me and giving a tight smile. "Why don't you come out? You have been cooped up in this room for almost three weeks."

"I will. But right now, I just don't feel like it."

"Again, understandable," she said, making me look at her. "Elka, I know you're burning inside. You even skipped college all these weeks to avoid Danish. Your teachers and classmates are asking me about you as Amy didn't tell them anything. You can't stay like this forever, girl. So tell me, how are you feeling? You don't have to hide your pain. It's me, just me. Feel free to tell anything, everything."

I sighed before taking a deep breath and let it out shakily.

"I don't know Zinnia. I'm so lost and confused and numb and broken," I said as Zinnia nodded her head. "It feels like something is up my throat and is constantly clawing. My heart feels so heavy and my head is smarting. And with that the goddamn tears won't just stop! I'm so tired, Zin."