Verbatim [h.s]

Twenty-One

December 1st. It is officially Christmas. This weekend the tree will be up along with all the decorations. Immediately as I wake up I think about ringing Audrey to organise when we're going to decorate our own apartment. As I've said before, my mum goes crazy and I tend to stay out of her way but I think she will be doing it Saturday when I go round. And Harry is coming. A brief wave of anxiety comes over me but I brush it away. We're only on Tuesday. We have time to prepare for that.

Christmas. Back to that. my favourite time of the year. I love everything; the music, the films, the people, the shopping, the gift-giving.

Oh my god.

I get to give Harry presents.

I need to start thinking about that now.

And the boys.

I can't sit still I'm so excited.

I hear Harry groan in front of me and as I open my eyes I see that we're still spooning.

I mean I'm still spooning him.

Wriggling around more, a bright wide smile on my face I snuggle into his back.

"Someone's in a good mood." His deep voice vibrates his whole body. I just hum in reply and squeeze him more which makes him laugh. he turns in my arms, coming to face me. I see now his eyes are puffy and swollen.

And I remember what happened only a few hours ago.

Everything plays before me, the whole confession, the shouting and the crying. I had fallen into such a deep sleep for the past few hours that I truly feel like I had been comatose. I expected to feel some sort of anger or fear this morning but I just feel sadness. I feel sad for Harry. He's been through worst than anything I could ever imagine, so much emotional and physical abuse. Then living with the fact he killed his mum. Even if it was self-defence, I can see how it has driven him to become numb to death and everything surrounding it. he's punishing himself.

A monster.

I can't believe he called himself a monster. I hate. I do not see Harry as a monster or a beast as he said. He is more than he will ever know. And I guess it is my job to make him see or at least feel like he worthy of more. worthy of love. Good and healthy love.

Not that I'm a professional at love. I'm not. I love my mum and Audrey. I love my brother to a degree. But have I ever been in love? no. nada.

I guess this will just be a journey we take together.

Hopefully.

"How are you today?" I ask, reaching up and caressing his cheek and he flutters his eyes.

"I'm okay baby, I'm glad you're still here." he wraps his arms around me, pulling me into him but resting his head on my chest, nestling into my boobs which makes me giggle.

"I'll always be here, H." I whisper kissing the top of his head.

We stayed in bed for a little longer but not too much as I had to get to work. I was exhausted, to say the least. I was already tired before all that at 3 am this morning but I'm glad it happened. He needed to share that and I needed to hear it. We took a big step.

I dressed today in a square neck white dress with black polka dots, along with some thick black tights due to it being December and then my chucks that I had on yesterday. I would've preferred to have worn my docs but I forgot to change them when I packed my overnight bag. Luckily, I had brought my black puffer jacket so, with that on, my outfit was winter approved.

However when we did step outside, although it was cold the sun was shining bright so it started to feel hot with my coat on especially when we were in the car. And then again in work, which I'm glad because it wouldn't have been fun walking around work all day with my coat on.