The Stuggle of Loving You | a. hotchner | ✔

Chapter 30

One month later

"Are you bringing anyone?", Garcia asked across the table. I could bring Steven, we've been hanging out more and more over the past month.

Nothing serious, at least for me.

I was conflicted about the decision, Emily had asked me a week ago where things were going and I didn't know how to answer her.

I didn't want to shut him down completely but I also didn't want to go out with him because of Hotch. I was basing the decision on another man, one that I hadn't been with in over six months.

If I invited Steven out I think it would send the wrong message.

Steven, he'd been taking time for me. To hang out with me even though nothing happened, he was genuinely a good guy.

Hotch on the other hand was neutral, I never got anything out of the ordinary from him. It was almost always business and for good reason.

Throw away our job and most certainly we'd go running back to each other, at least I would. I wasn't sure how this whole thing affected him, I knew he was in pain but I didn't know how much.

All of this from one single question that wasn't that hard to answer, "I'm not sure yet." That was all it took, Garcia looked at me and shook her head.

"What about the guy Emily introduced you to?" I shifted in my seat, subconsciously pushing away from her.

"I don't think he'd wanna go, plus I don't want to mislead him." She stood up and brought me with her, walking us down the hallway to the bullpen.

"Mislea— y/n he's hot, you're both single. Go for it. Unless you're telling me there's someone else or you're not into him."

Pen took my silence as the answer, opening the glass doors we walked to my desk. "Like I said, I'm not sure."

"Y/n whoever you're hung up on, move on. Please, you need someone else, someone worth your time." He was worth my time.

The team took notice, Hotch specifically. He didn't turn around from getting his coffee in the kitchen but Morgan did.

Moving over to my desk, "Hung up... y/n I've known you for what is it now, almost a year. Who is he?" Hiding secrets from profilers wasn't that easy but for some reason Hotch and I hid this one well.

He had moved so he was leaning against the counter, watching us from a distance.

"Old boyfriend."

"If he was worth it, or actually liked you, you'd still be together. Come on be realistic, who's better, Steven... or this other guy." Now I don't care what anyone said I'd always like Hotch but maybe Garcia was right.

As long as I work in the same unit as him nothing will ever happen.

Hotch heard the comment and something stung in his chest, of course he still had feelings for me.

He never stopped but again, it was the job. He didn't want to lose me but he wanted everything to be better for me.

Hotch walked away from the kitchen and went to his office, closing the door behind him. Hearing the conversation behind the walls, cracked him. It shouldn't have gotten to him but it did.