MARIGOLD |H.S. AU|

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I'm so sorry it's late!! I've got a crazy few weeks of exams at school so updates will be a bit slower, but after I'm done with school prepare for more frequent updates again besties <3

Sorry if there's any typos :)

We're very calm for a while, and everything feels so quiet. Quiet being one of those things you don't truly appreciate until you miss it, but sat here with him, I can appreciate every second of it.

I can't explain the quiet he brings me, which is something I've always struggled with. He makes me feel a sense of calm I never thought was truly attainable.

My brain will never be completely quiet, no one could ever do that for me, but it's like he turns it down, makes it bearable.

I've been on edge subconsciously since we found that body, and despite the fact I've tried to ignore thinking about it, it really hasn't worked. I underestimated how much I needed to talk to someone about these things, but I have never found anyone to tell. Meredith and Lou have always tried to help me, but it's never completely worked.

That's not their fault, and I don't blame them for anything, but sometimes talking to them isn't enough, it doesn't get me anywhere, and coming to terms with that has been difficult.

The only person that ever made me feel like that was my Mum. She made me calmer, anything I needed to talk to her about she made it feel better somehow, easier, and I don't know how she did.

And since her, no one has been able to get through to me the way she did. Grief counsellors, therapists, doctors, I even tried that weird hypnosis psychological therapy thing, and nothing. Nothing has been able to penetrate the loud dark cloud of anxiety blocking any positive thoughts I have in my brain, and even though I seem happy and healthy, and okay, it's never really been the case.

I never want attention, and I never want to be seen as the broken victim who needs people to comfort her, because that makes you feel weak, and like someone who relies on other people to survive and that's dangerous.

It's probably why I'm so quick to help my friends and family, the reason I feel such a guilt towards Meredith and Lou, why I'm so quick to run to my Dad's aid whenever he needs me, and why I helped Harry, even when he didn't necessarily deserve it.

By helping other people, I make myself understand things, see how people react to advice and how they use it to heal. It's sad, but it's my only way of processing things. There are times when I feel like my head is going to explode and I can't describe it as anything else other than a hurricane. A hurricane that is all-consuming, and hot, and itchy. It takes over me and I have to find different ways to shut it out however I can.

I guess when I see people able to control things, and become more themselves again, it's a form of jealousy for me. Seeing them so easily overcome things, move on, and find happiness in ways you could only dream of, it's hard to process, but at the same time, it keeps the dream alive for me, it makes me remember it is possible, and if they can do it, so can I.

Seeing how happy Meredith and Louis are together does that for me. It gives me hope and excitement. That one day, the hurricane in my head will subside, the debris will be everywhere, but I'll finally be able to see the end. That when I've cleaned up the aftermath, there will be peace, and it's so close that I can feel it in my blood. And when that feeling comes, I know I'll be okay.

I've never had to digest my feelings like this before, after Mum died there was never a reason where I needed to.

I love Mum and Dad, and Meredith and Lou, and Zayn, but that isn't the same. It's a happy kind of love, one that makes you smile, and makes you feel supported and cared for.