GUARD | Billie Eilish

dancing with the devil

I haven't seen Robyn for 48 hours. So far Jake has been telling me that she's 'ill' and as a result I've had a new bodyguard. A 32 year old man. He doesn't hang around like Jake and Robyn did, I say did for both because in reality, Jake is only supposed to be around Finneas when he needs to protect him, not to have fun. So for now Jake is only seen when he is on duty as Tony, my new bodyguard, would complain to their boss.

When Robyn left after I kissed Jake it left him really confused so I had to break down everything which was the most awkward situation to be in. Oh hey by the way I kissed your best friend and she decided to say it was a mistake so to get her back I kissed you. Not really the easiest thing to say.

Though confronting our feelings and giving them the most appropriate expressions takes strength, I feel that Robyn did the opposite and showed her weakness.

I shouldn't feel guilty though right? Robyn literally told me to forget about what happened, so I did. But why do I feel guilty? Why is she angry about me kissing Jake?

I know she said she was toxic.. but I guess something inside of me didn't want to believe that. In my mind it felt like it was worth it, that she was worth it, but if she's already like this now then maybe she isn't.

Twisted reality feels like hopeless insanity and in fact i'm out of control with everything.

Robyn won't get away from me, my mind. Sometimes I like to believe that the things that happen and end up hurting me, leave me strong. But after one kiss and I'm already falling down on my knees? Fuck.