Wounds of My Heart

02. Darkness

It was a silent and really awkward ride. I barely talked to Jess, only about our physics homework but that's it. We reached her house and I mentally prepared for my dad's shouting when we are alone.

"Thank you so much Mr. Russell!" she says grabbing her backpack and her water bottle.

"No problem, Jessica." My father says, which is ironic because I just know there is definitely a problem.

"Bye Adi, love you!"

"Bye Jess, love you too." My best friend makes her way to her front door and we took off.

"How many times do I have to tell you I dont have time for this shit?" My dad says and I freeze in fear. Even if he gets mad at me every day and it's nothing new, it hurts. I instantly feel a lump in my throat and my eyes slightly watering as if it was a reflex. I hate myself for that, I want to be strong, yet my heart aches every time.

"I'm sorry I didn't-"

"I take time of my work to come pick you up because you can't fucking do anything on your own, and you still want me to give a ride to this girl?" He doesn't even let me finish and kept talking. My anxiety kicking in, my hands beginning to tremble slightly as my heart raced in my chest. I clenched my fist, trying to clam myself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know how to say no. It won't happen again." I say feeling a burning in my throat, scared my voice would come out cracked.

I hate when people shout at me, specially when it's my dad. When I was younger my school's psychologist said I have anxiety and that it was mainly caused because of my dad. Because he has always been strict with me, always shouting at me and at my mom. Yet I felt guilty, a weird kind of guilty, I felt like if maybe I wasn't so sensitive - if I wasn't so me, my dad wouldn't be stressed all the time and he wouldn't be the cause of my anxiety. Let's say I felt guilty that my dad was guilty of something like that, I don't think it even makes sense, but I couldn't help but feel this way.

"Yes I'm sure it won't happen again because I'm not picking you up anymore," His words left me speechless, tears in my eyes threatening to fall and I try my best to calm myself.

I'm so disappointed but not surprised at all. He had dropped me and picked me up from school for my past 17 years, I don't blame him for being tired of it. My mind starts racing, thoughts of all kinds creating a tornado in my mind. How would I get home now?

It's fine. I'll be fine.

"Okay." It's the only thing I manage to say. What am I supposed to say? It's obvious he isn't changing of opinion.

"It's time for you to manage on your own. You are 17 for gods sake."

The rest of the ride home was silent. I just kept thinking what I did to deserve this, really I want to know. And I'm not talking about me having to walk home now, but about   always feeling this way.

We get home and I immediately make my way to my room. Not caring about anything else I removed my shoes and lay down in my bed. Thoughts continued to race in my mind not allowing me to fall asleep, even if I desperately wanted to. Not a single tear was left in my eyes, I started feeling numb, I wasn't able to cry anymore.

.

Darkness.

That's all I could see as soon as I opened my eyes. I sat in the comfort of my bed confused. What hour is it? Hell, what day is it?

It was about 4:00 pm when I fall asleep and it's dark outside already. Have I slept that long?

I grabbed my phone to check the hour. 10:26 p.m.