Wounds of My Heart

12. Asleep

A loud knock in my room door diverted my attention from my annoying and absolutely nonsense physics homework. As if it was a reflex, I turned off the music coming from my computer. I always felt like people would judge my music taste, specially my parents. My music taste wasn't even bad or embarrassing, but I've learned, the bad way, that people judge for everything.

I quickly yelled a small 'come in' to whoever was knocking at my door, although I just knew it was my dad because of the way he knocked. Call me weird or whatever, but being vigilant all day every day to not make my parents mad, developed this skill in me.

"Dinner is ready." He just said still behind the door, only that this time it was ajar enough for us to see each other. Soon after I nodded and quickly headed downstairs behind him.

Making my way to the kitchen I saw my mom placing our plates full with food in the table, I turned on our TV, it wasn't that big, but it was big enough for the three of us to see it. I searched through the chanels and decided to leave it in a sports chanel, my dad wouldn't complain about it, and it wasn't like I would complain either.

The TV was my ultimate estrategy to avoid the awkward silence and the talking as well. I could just glance at the TV while eating and pretend I'm interested in whatever we are watching, instead of drowning my anxiety with the food, trying to eat fast to finish with this torture called eating with my parents.

Drowning my anxiety with food seemed like something I did a lot, it was comforting in a way, but at the same time I felt guilty for eating that much, although sometimes my anxiety would make me nauseous and I won't want to eat for the whole day.

Through the years I haven't discovered a technique for controlling anxiety that is 100% efficient in me. Deep and controlled breaths work sometimes, but just for a little while. Sometimes crying works as well, it feels like all the overwhelming heaviness in my chest is draining from my body in form of tiny tears. But like I said before, not a single technique is good enough to completely calm me down.

The constant feeling of fear in my heart won't let me. The overwhelming thought of not being safe eats my brain and tenses every single muscle in my body. Being safe isn't just about being physically safe, it includes our mental and emotional safety too. And even though I've been through everything alone, and I strongly believe that I can do it on my own, my heart still wants someone to be there for me, someone that wouldn't judge me, that would just freaking listen to me. Someone that would make me feel like I'm safe. The thing is, not even my parents have been able to make me feel safe, it was actually the quite opposite, so thinking someone else would be able to make me feel that way is a bit unrealistic in my eyes, but still my heart craves for it.

"Adi why didn't you tell us about the school trip?" My mom asked taking spaghetti from her plate. I was confused on how she knew about the school trip, but then I reasoned that the school probably emailed our parents.

"I don't mind not going." I said and I wasn't sure if that was completely true. I keep isolating myself while I truly wish I didn't. I want to have fun, but still I'm afraid of it. Being anxious is so tiring that I would do anything to avoid it.

"What trip?" My dad asked frowning.

"Um the school is organizing a trip to Pennsylvania this weekend." I answered and I could see him glaring at me already.

"And why didn't you tell us before?" He asked in an angry tone and I felt my anxiety starting to take place in my body. I didn't told them about it to avoid problems, but it turns out that because I didn't told them I'm actually creating problems, there's just never a correct decision, he would always get mad.

"I'm not sure if I want to go." I said nervously taking a sip of my glass of water.

"It would be a great experience, you should go." My mom said encouraging me and I just knew my dad thought the exact opposite, while I was indecisive.