She's an Avery

Chapter 13: Heart-to-Heart

"Life sucks, but you know that so all we can do is keep on moving. You need to make peace. Whether you need to talk to whoever you need to talk to or go wherever you need to go. Do it, it's all that you can do. My suggestion, talk to someone close, someone you know. I used to be that person but not so much anymore. Leo or you dad, just talk to someone."

"Yea. I might not be able to talk to Leo...but that's besides the point."

"Look, Harriet, you suffered an unimaginable loss. Everybody grieves in their own way. You are someone that likes to run away, but also needs to talk. It is a contradictory way of thinking but it is the way that you think...."

"You do now that just telling me things I already know aren't quite helpful. Ben, I came here for advice, and it seems like you're not quite good at it."

"....I know someone who also thinks the way that you think, and I think that it would be helpful if you talked to him."

"Oh yea, who?"

"Your dad."

"Ah" I don't know why I didn't see him bring up my father coming, but I didn't. For some reason since Ellis died I had been avoiding him. I knew that Ben was right, but I still couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I had no rational reason to, he had experienced enough loss to understand what was happening in my head.

I got up from the ground where we were sitting, leaning against the wall of Station 19. I knew Ben was right.

When I got to my dad's apartment building, I sat in the parking lot for a while, thinking about what I would say, thinking about how he could help-which I wasn't positive he could. But after maybe like ten minutes I finally found enough courage to walk up.

I got on the elevator, pushed the number twelve button. I walked to his room, number 605. I knocked. Five times. But he didn't answer the door. I mean someone did, it just wasn't him.

It was Jo Wilson. My father's....well I don't exactly know what they are, and to be fair I don't think that they do either. They have been friends with benefits since I was like 5 though I do know that.

We stared at each other for a couple of seconds. I think we were both scared. I saw my dad on the couch we made eye contact but before he could say anything I walked away and Jo closed the door. I could hear the silence coming from behind the door. But then the door opened again. I wasn't mad at him, that wasn't it, I was just already so confused on what I was feeling and seeing him naked didn't help.

"Harriet! Harriet! Stop! Wait!" I could hear him running after me, but now more than ever I really didn't want to talk to him. Then I felt water against my cheeks. I was crying again but I didn't know why. I needed something. But I didn't know what that something was. I needed my dad. But I couldn't talk to him.

When I finally got back in my car and turned the radio on, guess what song was playing. Yes you are correct, Speak Now-Taylor Swift. If everything else in my life didn't tell you how mentally exhausted I was, my reaction to hearing this song come on definitely did. And as much as I don't want to listen to the song, I couldn't bring myself to change it. I zoned out. I was driving somewhere but I didn't know where until I was there. My mother's house. She is one of the warmest, sweetest and in some ways perfect humans. She would be able to make me feel better for now, but the feeling would go away just as fast as it came. But honestly a second of happiness felt like an eternity compared to the state I was in right now.

I for some reason still had a key to her house at the bottom of my bag. I fished it out and reluctantly got out of my car and walked up to the front door. As I put the key through the hole my stomach turned. I haven't talked to my mom since Christmas. And I didn't want to pour all my problems on her. But I went in. I went to the couch and just flopped on. I wanted to break down. I think that her and Matthew were talking in the kitchen but I didn't really see. She came over to me but seemed to be quite confused. I would, too, if my adult child came home crying to mommy. She sat on the couch next to my head and put my head in her lap. This was always the most comforting for me when I was a kid and laying like this again made me feel as if I was 13 again, a time I don't think anyone wants to relive, but it was nice.

"What happened this time?" I chuckled. I'm not the kind of person who likes to spew all of my feelings out so I don't know why she asked even though she knew she wasn't getting an answer.

"I don't know. Nothing really."

"I don't believe you."

"A lot happened, a lot bad happened, and I just....I don't know"

"Your best friend died."

"yea"

"I do know what that's like ya know."

"No, no you don't"

"I do, my best friend died once upon a time."

"Yes, but she was killed, murdered, shot. My best friend killed herself. My best friend was in pain and I didn't know. And now the only other person in the world that knows exactly what is happening in my brain is nowhere to be found. You don't know what happened. You weren't there...."

Then I finally broke down. The tears were worse than they had been. I had been holding myself together for months. Trying to help build back all the other broken people in my life without realizing that I was broken too. I was also in pain. I was also hurting. I also lost everything.

We stayed like that. Me laying in my mother's lap, sobbing. Her sitting there stroking my hair, listening to everything I say. She didn't try to fix me or tell me the things I wanted to hear. She didn't try to heal me, she knew I wasn't ready. She just listened.

I feel asleep on the couch. It was only three o'clock but I couldn't be awake any longer. I slept for a long time and woke up super early. Like three am early. Which i'm now realizing means I slept for like eleven or twelve hours. But in my defens that was the first time I actually slept since Ellis died, so I think it's fine. Right?

But when I woke up I was the only one awake so I left before anyone heard me. Like I was never there. I didn't bring anything with me as I had been living out of my car for the last two days. And once again, I had nowhere to go. SO I went through the motions. I could go to my mom's. Check. I could go to Bailey's. He broke up with me. I could go to my dad's. But the last time I was there didn't go too well. So I was back at square one.

My cell phone chimed. It was work. Shoot. I hadn't been in a while. And honestly I didn't plan on going back anytime soon. I sent them an email saying I was taking a leave of absences, and I got a pretty nasty email back. It could be a while before I would go back, if I ever did go back.

But where was I going to go? There was only one place that I could. Except that I couldn't.

Now it wasnt that I didn't want to see my father. It was just....I don't know. Because for some reason I don't know anything anymore. My feelings weren't my own and everything always hurt. I was in pain but I didn't have a scratch on my body. I was in pain but I didn't have a single bruise.