Such Sweet Sorrow

Nineteen

Eloise Waldorf

Why the hell did I feel like this? It's not like he even told me he had any interest in me. He didn't tell me he fancied me. I didn't even know if I fancied him. 

Or maybe I did. 

If my feelings towards the blonde wizard were so unsure, why did this feeling feel similar to that of heartbreak? 

Did he just use me? Use me for his own sexual pleasures, toy around with me because he thought I was easy or something, just to go back to Daphne, who was apparently well aware of her being used, and didn't mind it at all. 

Maybe that night didn't mean anything to him at all. For me, it was an entire experience in itself. It was passionate and impulsive. Reckless, even. But for him...it could have just been a normal Friday night. It could have been just a blow job to him. The crazy sensations and emotions could have been totally one sided, and I had no idea, because we most communication either one of us had since then was some looks across the room and a few words exchanged just before dinner. 

I wasn't even hungry anymore, but made myself eat to save myself from a headache later. I knew that having a full stomach would take some of the edge off of the anxiety, and hopefully calm me down a bit as my body when into its para-sympathetic state when I went back to the dorm. 

"Hey, I just have to grab my bag from my dorm and I'll be right over." Cedric stated as we walked out of the Great Hall. 

"Wait, Cedric." I grabbed his sleeve before he walked off, "Can I talk to you about something?" 

"Yeah, Ellie, what's up?" Cedric asked, a flicker of concern on his expression as we pulled over to the side of the hall. 

"Earlier, before dinner, Malfoy and Theo said that you...have a word with them about...about me." I hesitated, not wanting to come off as possibly attacking him or accusing him of anything. 

"Oh--yeah, I just had a chat with them about...you know the rules and such." Cedric shrugged, bobbing his head side to side a bit, "Just because I saw how uncomfortable you got at the meeting with Dolos today. She asked me if I would have a word with them. That's all." 

My eyebrows scrunched together a bit. 

"Dolos asked you to talk to them?" I questioned. 

"Yeah, but it was no big deal. She just asked a favor since she saw how upset you were after the meeting. Nothing to worry about. You're good, darling." he smiled charmingly, but I still had an odd feeling. 

"Did you call them fuck ups?" I asked, being quite frank now. 

Cedric rolled his eyes casually, but clearly conveyed his guilt. 

"I might have gotten a bit worked up and let a few choice words slip, but its just because I was frustrated, okay? I was just making sure they weren't trying to take advantage of your kindness, is all." he smiled, taking a step forward and putting a hand to my cheek, "You're not mad are you?" 

Nothing. I felt nothing. The boy I had been secretly fawning over for years was close enough to kiss me, his hand was on my cheek, and I felt...nothing. 

What the hell was wrong with me? 

Years of being smitten over this boy, thrown out the window after Draco Malfoy puts his hands on me a couple of times? 

"No. I'm not." I sighed, "Just...come to me first...if there is a next time. They mean well and I don't want there to be any unnecessary tension, you know? Stresses me out." 

"Oh stop stressing, Ellie. It's fine." he smiled, nonchalantly throwing his arm over my shoulder as we started down the hall again, "Just making sure everyone is staying in line, that's all."