lover | (chaesoo)

i hate to think about you with somebody else

You would think that I've exhausted all the tears I had when I stood all alone in Jisoo's New York apartment after she walked out on me.

Once I managed to will the tears away, I managed to walk myself out of her apartment, get a cab that would take me to the airport, and even managed to get on the actual plane itself without turning back once. I didn't even shed a single tear, even when I was writing that letter to Jisoo while sitting in the airport lounge waiting for my flight back home.

I didn't cry on the entire flight back home either.

Sure, there was a heavy feeling in my chest and a dark cloud that followed me everywhere I went, but it wasn't enough to cause waterfalls to come out of my eyes.

And I was proud of myself for that.

I genuinely thought that was it, that I've exhausted all my tears and that I have nothing left to cry because I've finally let them all out.

That was, until I walked back into my bedroom.

The first thing that caught my eye upon opening my bedroom door was a framed photo of Jisoo and I sitting on my desk. It was from that time she managed to convince me to skip a day of school with her, spending the entire day at an arcade playing games and eating candy.

We were such kids.

The framed photo I had was us with our faces squished together, smiling so wide that you could barely see my eyes. Jisoo had a wide smile and a certain twinkle in her eyes, the same smile and the same eyes I've fallen in love with over and over again in the last decade.

And it all seemed so simple yet so far away, so far removed from the reality we're currently in right now.

The moment I saw the photo, uncontrollable tears started to roll down my cheeks. I tried my best to furiously wipe them away, tried my best to will them to stop completely, but they just wouldn't.

And so I allowed myself to collapse on my bed. I allowed myself to cry, to grieve over a love that was never mine, and to be consumed by all the pain that I brought upon myself. 

I allowed myself to replay the image of Jisoo planting subtle kisses on Lisa's cheek.

I allowed myself to replay the memory I had of Jisoo and Lisa speaking in hushed tones when I saw them wrapped up together in a blanket, kissing each other as if it was the only thing they were made for.

I allowed myself to be consumed by the thought that Jisoo loves Lisa. And that it does not matter that I loved her first or that I loved her the longest, because Lisa loves Jisoo enough to be brave to take that leap.

You would think that I've exhausted all my tears. But the fact that a photo I've had sitting on my desk for years had the ability to make me cry just goes to show that there is definitely more from where that all came from.

-

It's been a whole year since I last step foot in America.

After my very dramatic departure the last time I was there, Jisoo and I somehow managed to patch things up.

I reached out to her first, three whole days after I landed back home. I sent her a long message about how sorry I am about leaving so soon, about how I will make it up to her, and about how she can take all the time she needs away from me and that I understand.