lover | (chaesoo)

if i keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you

There was a renewed energy in the way I thought and lived my life after I wrote the last letter where I so boldly declared I was finally on the very brink, on the very verge of finally moving on.

It was as if I suddenly believed that anything I put my mind to, I can achieve.

If I stopped paying too much attention whenever Jisoo talks about her girlfriend, it wouldn't hurt so much.

If I stopped overthinking every possible scenario I've made up in my mind about a possibility of Jisoo and I existing as lovers, I wouldn't be so tired.

And if I stopped thinking that I was tied down to a love I felt so strongly for someone, maybe my heart will learn to free itself from the jail it put itself in and venture out once again.

-

His name is Marcus.

A laboratory assistant at the company I work at, he's someone I've known for the past year and a half and always thought was attractive but never thought of him as anything more than a friend and a colleague, just someone I can have after work dinner and drinks with and nothing more.

But then we started interacting more.

It started with him asking me out to lunch one day at work. And what was supposed to be a one-time thing ended up with us being regular lunch buddies. Sometimes, we go with other friends, but most of the time, it's just us two.

I enjoy his company. I really do. He makes me laugh, we have great conversations, and our interests align with one another, making it not at all difficult to become close. It didn't take too long before Marcus started hinting on being more than friends, sending me flowers and offering to drive me to work and back home every now and then.

He isn't my boyfriend.

Not yet, anyway. But we've been seeing each other and I do allow him to hold my hand when we're out together.

And when I am with him, I realize that my mind no longer drifts and no longer yearns for Jisoo.

It must have been a month of seeing Marcus when I told Jisoo about him. I wasn't really planning on telling her about him just yet because we weren't exactly anything, but when Jisoo saw a bouquet of roses sitting in a vase behind me while we were on our weekly Facetime call, I had to come clean.

"Nice flowers. Who got them for you? A secret admirer?" Jisoo snickered.

"Not so secret, actually..." I said.

I watched as Jisoo furrowed her brows in confusion on screen. "What exactly do you mean?" she said. Her tone was rather flat and not at all teasing.

"I've actually... been seeing someone," I began. "From work. I've been seeing someone from work."

I don't know why saying that out loud to Jisoo felt like I committed a crime. It was as if I was so scared to see her reaction to me telling her about a potential love interest.

"Oh," she said, no excitement or even a hint of happiness in her tone. "Who's the lucky dog?"

I rolled my eyes, earning a chuckle from her. "The 'lucky dog', is actually a boy named Marcus. He's a lab assistant at work."

"And how long have you been seeing Anus?" she asked.

My eyes widened at what she just called him. "Jisoo!"

"What?" she asked, completely unbothered, as if she didn't just call someone a butt hole. "He's probably an asshole, anyway. If you ask me, Anus suits him more than whatever his name is. What was it again? Matthew?"