Holding Back

XV

[ chapter 15 ]

february 3
11:51 p.m
toronto, canada

you chose loyalty, let's see if it was the right decision ...

- - - - -

My heart replaced my stomach and my stomach was now at the bottomless pits of hell. My stomach rumbled in guilt but I had no signs of regret. I still don't.

"Mila, I-" She stopped me, looking down with a sort of defeated look on her face. "Don't. I understand. The feelings aren't mutual and they shouldn't be. I-I just-" She sighed. "I don't know. I'm sorry if this makes things awkward between us now."

I didn't know what to say. I sucked at rejection. Giving it and taking it. I didn't have the heart to be so cold, so confident when telling someone no. Especially when it's something that can effect someone emotionally.

"I don't want this to ruin our friendship. Regardless of.. this— I still want to have this connection with you that I do now. Strictly platonic." I smiled lightly, attempting to ease her probably heavy heart and lift the thick tension.

"Strictly platonic." She returned the smile, though hers was a lot more sad. "I'm okay with that."

~~~~~

It's been about a month since Camila admitted her feelings to me. A lot but also not a lot has happened in that period of time.

For one, tour is almost over. I have just a couple shows left and then it's back to the states. Back home. After almost a full year away.

Next, is about that messy Cuban. Apparently, Camila confessed to Shawn about also being "in love" with me. Shawn was crushed, and now they're on a break. I guess the Canadian had told her if she didn't lose feelings soon; he couldn't stay with her. And to be honest, I'd feel the same way in that position.

Lastly, Ariana and I. Yes, of course I told her about Camila's confession. She wasn't mad at the other brunette, she felt bad for her. She was also happy, though, that I didn't feel the same way. The Italian had told me she'd be completely heartbroken if that conversation ended up being for a different reason.

I'm glad I made the right call.

Oh! And I recently talked to Billie and Zayn. It was a group FaceTime call that lasted a total of 4 1/2 hours. They decided they'd keep me company while I drove to my next show location. I also got to talk to Gigi and Khai, their daughter. She's the literal cutest.

I mean, that's about it. The shows have been amazing. Last show, Asher thought it'd be cute to pull my pants down during one of my solos. He ended up with freezing cold water-filled boxers by the end of the night.

It's around 2 a.m and I'm just chilling in my bunk, writing a few lyrics down here and there. Tommy, one of Ariana's producers, had sent me in some of my own tracks. I was currently listening to one, matching lyrics to the vibe.

That was, until, Cassian ripped open my bunk curtain with eyes full of fury; face red.

"Uh, you okay?" My eyebrows furrowed. Cassian has always been the quiet, kind of shy, really chill and laid back kind of guy. I think I've only seen him mad, like, three times since I've met him.