Maze Runner - Oneshots and Imagines

Broken - Gally

TW!! panic attack, mentions of death

I stared at the huge stone walls without actually focusing on them. The darkness of the night was painting everything black, and so they were just visible because of the orange flames of the bonfire in the distance. I exhaled shakily. I hated them. I hated these walls. I hated everything about them. And I hated how they kept me here. 

I put my hand out slowly, letting it trail over the ivy and the cool stone, the names carved into it and the ones that were crossed out. George. Nick. Many more I couldn't reach. 

I hated them. I hated them so much for being here, for reminding me every day that I was stuck in this hellhole. I hated them for showing me exactly what my future would look like. There was no other way. No turn my life would take. It would be exactly that. Just the same. And my name would be crossed out and my body buried in the Deadheads that I hated just as much. 

Those trees that weren't enough to keep us alive forever. The brown pond with all the insects swimming inside of it. Dead, probably. Just like everything else. Dead. Even those alive were dead. And at some point I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore, wouldn't be able to handle being alive but feeling dead. Just like Newt. But Minho wouldn't be there to save me. And I wouldn't want to be saved. If my life ended in those stone walls, and it would, I was certain - I would be the one who decided that and not anybody else. 

Carefully, I leant my head against the stone and closed my eyes. The cold touch didn't comfort me. It didn't make me hopeful again. Because at one point, yes, at one point I had been - but that was so long ago. Now it wasn't much more than a nearly faded memory. I could barely remember myself back then. I must've been a happy girl. The optimism, the enthusiasm - all of it was so hard to recall. I hadn't smiled in so long. 

There had been a time when I had laughed so hard I fell off my log, one when I nearly burnt my hair at the bonfire and Gally had put out an arm and pulled me so close I could bury my nose in his shirt. Yeah, there had even been a time Gally and I had declared a mud war at work and got told off by Alby - there had been that night we spent in the slammer, the day we chased pigs through the Glade, that one time we played hide and seek and I nearly drowned in the water of the pond. 

I didn't know what had happened. I didn't know what had happened to me. Because whoever that person was, that girl back then that had tickled Gally and baked cookies with him when Frypan was sick - she didn't exist anymore. I doubted she had actually ever existed. It all seemed so foreign, so idealistic, so unreal. As if it was an illusion. Maybe it was - maybe it had all been hallucination and nothing more. 

I lifted my head again and retreated my hand shakily. What happened? What did I do to myself? What did they all do to me? 

"Gally", I called out as I felt the sudden rush of panic in my veins. "Gally!", I repeated louder, knowing that I couldn't drown out the voices by the bonfire, the laughs, the conversations. My breath got heavier. I felt my heart racing, my chest aching as it began rapidly rising and falling again, way too fast to be anywhere near normal. 

I knew this feeling, I knew what happened when my throat became sore, when it felt like someone was choking me, when my voice broke and I lost control. I knew what happened to me when everything overwhelmed me. 

"Gally", I tried one last time as loud as I possibly could, my voice shaky and too high, not strong enough to reach him or to reach anyone. I wanted to turn around, wanted to run back to him, but my legs felt too heavy, too numb, they could barely keep me standing as I leaned against the stone wall in support, horror flooding my veins, panic rushing through my body. I tried again, tried screaming for him, shouting, calling out, but my voice was gone, my throat felt constricted, and all that came out was a faint whisper - one that I wouldn't have guessed was my own. 

Everything started turning. There was a weight on my shoulders so sudden, but it felt like it had been there for years. It pushed me down, my legs couldn't hold it, they couldn't hold me as I fell to the ground, my body shaking. And it didn't stop pushing further and further, feeling as though it was laying on top of me, suffocating me. There was no more light coming from the bonfire, instead there was darkness, darkness surrounding me as it came just as sudden as the weight had come, bringing a pain of a kind I had never experienced, one that felt as though thousands and thousands of knives were cutting my skin - but there was no blood, just pain. 

I gasped when my body gave up, my mind empty, no thoughts running through my head, no goodbyes or sorries, no excuses, lies or truths. There was nothing, nothing as my body clenched and my chest tightened, my eyes squeezed shut and my head felt like exploding when my consciousness finally slipped away. Darkness was surrounding me like an old friend, welcoming me, taking away my pain and my worries, and the last thing I felt was the air in my lungs as I started to breathe again.

Pain. 

Then I had to cough. I opened my eyes - a bad idea. The bright light was blinding me and I closed them again just as quickly as I'd opened them. I groaned and leant my head back in the too familiar bed, the pillow too warm, too soft, and I felt like it was sucking my head into it. I had a bad headache and numb legs, probably from laying here for too long. Carefully, I tried to open my eyes again, and this time it worked a lot better. Even though the light was strange, it wasn't as bright anymore, and after blinking a few times I could see perfectly. I turned my head a bit, pain stabbing my neck like a knife. 

"Morning", I croaxed when I spotted Gally sitting to my right in a chair, fast asleep. My throat was sore, but even though my voice came out as more of a whisper than actual words, the Builder sleepily raised his head. I felt guilt gnawing at my chest when I noticed the dark circles under his eyes, his hair a mess. "Hey", he yawned and softly grabbed my hand tighter. I hadn't even realised that he'd been holding it. 

"What time is it?", I asked and raised my free arm to brush a strand of hair back and lazily rub my eyes. "No idea", Gally answered truthfully and if I hadn't known better, I'd have said he felt guilty. "You were sleeping for two whole days. How long have you not actually slept, (y/n)?" 

I looked through the room, trying to avoid his gaze. I hadn't properly slept in weeks. All I'd ever gotten were some naps, an hour or so, until a nightmare had destroyed my peaceful state. "A bit", I tried to dodge the question, but the boy grunted annoyed. "How long is a bit?" 

"A week or two..", I trailed off without looking at him. 

Suddenly, his hands were around my shoulders and he lifted my body up. He hadn't hugged me in a long time. At first I didn't quite know what to do, where to put my hands or what to say. But the longer we sat in silence, him just holding me, the more relaxed I became. I buried my nose in his shirt as slowly, tears started falling, turning the brown fabric dark and wet. 

"I'm sorry", I whispered in between shaky breaths. I hadn't cried in months. "It's alright", Gally reassured me. But the second I felt a wet drop on the skin of my neck that wasn't one of my own tears, I broke. All this time I had only cared about myself. I hadn't realised that I wasn't the only one who was torn into pieces, hadn't seen that the boy I once loved so dearly was going through just the same as I was. I had been so selfish, so self-centred, I had pretended, imagined that everyone but me was fine. I hadn't noticed all the times that Gally hadn't laughed because I was so focused on myself not laughing. I hadn't realised when Gally hadn't talked because I hadn't talked myself. 

"We're really broken, aren't we?", I laughed. It was the first time I'd laughed again, but even now it wasn't filled with happiness, instead it was full of pain and cold. "We are", he agreed, the same tone in his voice that I found in my own. 

I had never realised that he was suffering just as much as I was. But now that I had, I wasn't sure whether it was good. 

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don't kill me if this is not how you experience a panic attack. i know that i've overexaggerated the part with the pain and the fainting, but all before that is how i experience panic attacks. so, don't be like bUt ThaTs nOt hOw pAniC aTtAcKs wOrK please, thank you