Changing Him

Chapter 27

Depression

I spent the next two weeks in bed. I skipped school and my grades had dropped. I refused to get out of bed or see anyone.

I was in the same sweatpants for repeating days. I didn't want to do anything, not without her.

Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to be at all. I just want to have never existed.

✼

Every so often, I called her, waiting for it to go to voicemail.

"Hey, It's olivia. I cant come to the phone right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you soon."

I took a deep breath as the phone beeped.

"Hey liv....It's Marcus. I tried to stop myself from calling you, but I needed to hear your voice. It's been a couple months without you and I dread everyday. You should've still been here with me. It's not right." I felt my eyes start to sting as I tried to fight back tears. "I didn't keep my promise to you. I couldn't protect you. It doesn't get any easier. I wish I could hold you in my arms right now. I'm so sorry, Olivia."

A sob escaped my mouth as I hung up the phone.

I left her messages ontop of messages until her phone went out of service.

✼

As weeks went on, I knew I couldn't live like this. I had to start going back to school. I went in for the first time in weeks. Walking into first period, everyone stared at me.

Seeing her empty desk was like a stab to the chest. She should have been sitting there.

Just complete hopelessness that things couldn't possibly get better. I stopped thinking about the future or making any plans, I realized there was nothing I was looking forward to.

My mind constantly races regretting the past, fearing the future, the present sometimes feeling like too much. I started to go out with my friends again, but it wasn't the same without her bubbly personality with us.

"Marcus, Athena dropped something off for you." My mom dropped what looked like a journal onto my bed, walking out of my room. The cover was red, so I assumed it was Olivia's. I scampered over to it, picking it up and opening it.

Depression takes away the memory of actually feeling happy. More specifically the memory of the feeling. You remember a time when you were happy but you don't remember what it feels like. So even when you've recovered a great deal, you're never really sure.

I always asked myself if I'd ever get back to the place I was at and then realize I can not place that feeling so Ill never know. The hard part is that I only exist as me. So maybe happiness is just this mild feeling where I'm relatively okay with life.

Time was passing faster that I wanted it to. If you would have asked me a couple months ago if I wanted to fast forward ten years, I would have said yes without hesitation. However, me now wants to live in the present. I found beauty in things I never thought I would. And I owe most of it to Marcus. You never know how much someone will make an impact in your life. He showed me there was more to life than what I was experiencing. He showed me what it's like to have someone care for you like you deserve. Although we weren't together, I would do anything for him.

Tears escaped my eyes as I closed the journal, not being able to read more.

Guilt. Guilt was all I could feel.

It should have been me. I shouldn't have let her drive home that night.

Bargaining is only you and your head, your mind replaying every moment and conversation. Reminding you of the good and the bad, how good it was and how painful it ended. You find yourself playing the what if game endlessly. If only I had said this, or done that, or said or done it earlier, if only I'd do this now, if only I texted them or called them and said this in another way.

My world was ending. Everything was pain. I was telling myself I will never be happy again, never. I didn't deserve it. It didn't happen. You can fix this. You can reverse it. You are alone, clinging to whatever comfort you could find. All you know is pain. You wake up in pain and you fall asleep in pain. All the beauty in the universe has ceased with her.

But soon later, I began to accept she was gone. You start to feel normal. Not all the time, obviously, but for a minute here and there. A sunbeam shines through the hurricane and quickly disappears. The next day there's another sunbeam.

Acceptance is about finding peace with your reality. Of course, there are still times when I'm angry, just so furious with it all.

✼

I think love is always worth it when it's real, even if it has to end. I'm more scared that I won't find someone who fits me the way she did. We made a great pair, we balanced each other well. And we clicked so immediately and in a way I've never experienced before that I'm genuinely worried I'll never find something like that again.

Our senior graduation ceremony hit the hardest. She hadn't even made it past high school. She had so much life to live; so much to give to the world.

I learned to live on with the world without her, but that didn't make the pain hurt any less. Every little thing reminded me of her, the way the leaves hit the ground; she always loved nature. Everytime I saw the color red; it was her favorite. Everytime it rained; the night we danced in it.

It was weird to see the world move on like nothing happened, but everyone has their own lives.

She taught me the beauty of the world, and never got to fully experience it.