"No, no. No talking little bug, this is the part where you listen" he cuts me off before I can finish. I'm disappointed in myself for complying to his orders. I told myself when I left him that I wouldn't let him control me like this anymore. But he...
Waking up to Harry's phone call at 3:30 in the morning wasn't completely out of the ordinary. He would do it a lot in the earlier parts of our relationship when he was feeling extra horny in the middle of the night. But when I answered the phone and his soft voice broke through the receiver, I was caught off guard.
"Harry?" I asked as a answered still half asleep.
"Hi Lou"
"Everything okay Haz?" I ask, expecting his usual sexual comments.
"I need you" his voice was broken and drowned out by what sounded like tears.
"I'm coming" I insisted right away.
"Lou, promise me, you'll just be here. Don't ask me any questions please. I just need you" he sounded so broken. Of course I didn't understand what he meant but when do I ever. And for Harry to admit that he needed me; I couldn't walk away.
He asked me to meet him in the park across the road from Kasey's house. I wondered what he was doing there so late at night, early in the morning, whichever way you want to look at it.
As I pulled my car up to the side, letting my lights flood through the deserted park; I see his obvious figure sitting perched on top of the picnic table.
I turn the car off, leaving the headlights on so I don't accidentally smack head first into a tree and make my way swiftly towards Harry.
As soon as I am in his eye line I can see the brokenness I heard on the phone written all across his face. His eyes that were swollen and red were completely full of tears. I lunge myself to stand between his legs and wrap my arms tightly around his neck, causing his body to fall willingly into me.
Ουπς! Αυτή η εικόνα δεν ακολουθεί τους κανόνες περιεχομένου. Για να συνεχίσεις με την δημοσίευση, παρακαλώ αφαίρεσε την ή ανέβασε διαφορετική εικόνα.
It only takes a small amount of hesitation before he returns the embrace and wraps his arms around my midsection and burying his face deep into my neck where I can feel him letting out broken sobs.
Harry was hurting.
I have never seen him like this before. But he is completely broken.
We stay in this position for what feels like the longest amount of time.
"I'm here Harry, I'm here. Everything will be okay. I've got you" I attempt to offer the most supportive words I can think of; unsure if they are words he even wants to understand.
Harry's breakdown isn't letting up and watching him completely breakdown in my arms is introducing me to an entirely new side of Harry. The soft, vulnerable side. You've got to laugh at the irony of it, I didn't think he had this side to him. I shouldn't be feeling almost joyful that I now know he contains his side of him whilst his world seems to be completely crumbling.
All I could do was continue to repeat the words to him over and over again. The tension he held on me remained the same and it felt like he was holding onto me as if I could slip away from him at any moment.
Everything in me wanted to find out what was wrong? What had happened? Had he had a fight with Kasey? Was it about college? Was it not being able to graduate? I heard the rumours at school today that Harry wasn't eligible to graduate due to his attendance and not showing up to his exams.
But it seemed like more, it seemed like something more than any of those things had happened to cause this response from Harry. This wasn't a normal cry to signify 'I'm hurt', this type of emotion signified 'I'm broken'.
"Lou?" his sniffled voice mumbles against my neck.
"What is it Harry?" I ask in the softest voice I can. Not wanting to sound like I was prying for information.
He doesn't answer me, but I can hear that whatever he is trying to say is sitting right at the tip of his tongue, he's trying so hard to regulate his breathing and choke down all his emotions just so he could talk to me.
"Louis?" he mumbles again, this time more desperately as his grip around me tightens.
He's scaring me now. I can't fix what I don't know is broken.
"I'm right here Harry" I reply. Using the tips of my fingers to stroke through the back of his hair, something I know that he likes.
"Tell me you'll never leave me." he responds instantly. Desperate.
I freeze my fingertips inside of his hair.
He moves his face out of my neck and places our foreheads together, grasping the sides of my jaw firm in his hands.
"I need you to tell me Louis, tell me you'll never leave me" he repeats again, his tone becoming a little more firm.
Ουπς! Αυτή η εικόνα δεν ακολουθεί τους κανόνες περιεχομένου. Για να συνεχίσεις με την δημοσίευση, παρακαλώ αφαίρεσε την ή ανέβασε διαφορετική εικόνα.
"Harry, I-" I stumble out, unsure of the reasoning behind his request. Our relationship has never been the most stable, but it usually consisted of him laughing at me saying he would never let me leave, but now, it's like he needs my reassurance.
"Even if you don't mean it Louis, I don't care, but I need you to tell me, I need to hear it. Please little bug, please say you'll never leave me, that I'll never lose you" his cry was heartbreaking in itself to then hear how scared he sounds in his request.
"Harry, you'll never lose me" and I wasn't lying to him, I wasn't telling him what he needed to hear, I was saying what I felt. "I've tried staying away from you and it never works for me, you'll never lose me, Harry. I'll never be able to lose you either. I don't want that. Whatever it is your going through, I'm here for you. I don't care what you've done or haven't done. I don't care about your secret life, I just need to be apart of one of them."
Our foreheads are still held firmly against each other. He had his eyes closed throughout the entirety of my speech but the stroking of his fingertips on my cheeks let me know that he appreciated what I was saying.
He doesn't reply to me with words, but moves his head forward slightly to connect our lips together, only slightly. They barely graze past one another, and you could say it wasn't even a kiss. But to be completely fair, it's exactly what I needed and I think it's exactly what he needed as well.
The kiss didn't represent sexual tension, it wasn't hot and heated, it was something that said, I'm here.
The moment seemed to have come and gone quicker than I was able to process and Harry was quick to return his original position, pulling me up closely to him. Back to presenting himself as vulnerable.
I meant what I said about his double life, for as long as I've known Harry I felt I only knew half of him and I absolutely adored that half, I needed to appreciate just him being in my life, regardless of how toxic it is, the truth of the matter is that I cannot live without him. I don't even want to. No matter how bad he may be for me, losing him would be even worse.
"Louis?" he mumbles against my neck sending a hot breath down the inside of the hoodie I was wearing. I continue to stroke my fingers through his luscious curls whilst I make a small sound to acknowledge that I have heard him.
