DEFENCE // LARRY STYLINSON // LOUIS TOMLINSON

21.

Time. The indefinite continued progress of existence and events

Harry said he needed time.

Time to get use to fatherhood.

Time to grieve the loss of Kasey.

Time to come to terms with his new life.

Time apart.

Indefinite.

He hadn't returned to the cold-hearted dominate Harry, this Harry was still emotional and understanding, as well as quite delicate with the way he handled different situations. But I also thought that he and I were finally on a good page with one another.

We were finally able to have genuine discussions on what was going on in our life and what we wanted and I was naive in thinking that we both wanted each other. Maybe that's one section of Harry's character that will never change. I will always need him more than he needs me.

The day that followed the funeral felt uncomfortably normal. Harry brought Willow around to meet my sisters. She took a nap in the Princess Bed and the three girls seemed to get along really well. Harry seemed to have it all figured out, what he was going to do with Willow and the life he was going to create for the two of them, or the five of us. I wasn't sure.

But it flipped, it flipped so suddenly, like there was a sudden shift in time and I was brought back to my own cruel reality where I would constantly be hurt by Harry.

He gathered up Willow and left before dinner and the twins were heartbroken, they had promised Willow a sleepover and ice-cream. But Harry again, snapped. Left without a word and it took over 30 unanswered messaged and phone calls for him to finally ask for what he desired.

Time.

That time had gone on for 3 weeks now.

Three entire weeks of ghost town. I didn't see him anywhere, he wasn't home, he wasn't at Kaseys and her family had all headed back north. Harry and Willow had disappeared into thin air.

Graduation was around the corner, Harry had promised he would be there to watch me graduate, but I should have learnt from very early on that promises from Harry are not something to hold your breath with.

Something else that was playing on my mind was how much time was running out.

I was accepted into Cardiff University on a full football scholarship. I got the news the day of the funeral. I would be required to leave after the summer had ended and I was going to ask Harry and Willow to come with me. Buy a house nearby the university and really make a new life for ourselves. The twins would be able to come up and stay often, get a house big enough for the entire family.

But the moment Harry asked for space, I didn't know how to bring it up to him and they needed my response soon. I didn't know what to tell them, I was struggling on figuring out what exactly it was that I wanted, what Harry wanted.

All these events have led me to here, sitting hopelessly on Harry's empty driveway. A driveway that hadn't seen any activity in weeks. I've checked. I've done drive-byes at he most random times and Harry was never here, no one was ever here.

Part of me was completely conflicted, I couldn't really understand what Harry was going through, but I felt I had a fair idea, mum died and left me with the responsibility of the twins and now Kasey has passed leaving him with Willow. But Harry isn't wired like the rest of us, having empathy for Harry was like searching uncharted waters. You'd drive yourself insane if you ever tried.

I considered taking the scholarship and moving on, letting Harry go. But the truth is that I would always be waiting for him. No-one else in this world is made for me the way he is and I just presumed that if he and I were meant to be then he would make his way back to me eventually.

We already proved that we couldn't stay away from each other, so I had faith that he would always come back. But the other halve of me feared that what would happen if I was away too long and he got use to it. He warmed to the idea of not having me in his life and he would no longer need me.

That feared me the most, that I knew I could never live without him, but I questioned his mutual feelings.

I've been sat on this driveway for 3 hours now. I didn't have a plan, but I felt like I was needed here, that this would be my evidence when I would scream that 'I tried' when asked why I gave up on him.

I clench onto the letter I've written in my hand, my goodbye.

Whatever void Harry was trying to fill in his life, I need to let him.

I need to let him, let me go.

The letter took me over 10 attempts to write, either the words weren't being portrayed in the way I needed them too, or I soaked the page to unreadable with my tears.

If anyone has ever wondered how many ways there is to write I'm always going to love you, but this is my goodbye whilst you find yourself and I'll be here waiting for when your ready. I can honestly say that you can write that in about 4 pages, front and back, small script. And still then I was unsure I had said everything I was wanting to say.

I neglected to tell him about Cardiff, I didn't think it mattered to his decision. It didn't matter where I was in the world or what I was going, I would be there the moment he said he wanted me.

The plan was to give it to him in person, maybe even try and steal one final kiss, a kiss that would hopefully linger for the time we are apart, whether that be days, months or even years.

But as every minute that passed and he was still just a ghost, I knew plan B may be coming into play. Slipping the note under the door.

But what if he never returns, what if he really has disappeared and he never knows that I'm out there waiting. I go through my entire life waiting for someone who doesn't know I'm there.

I take one last drag on the cigarette that's been sitting dormant in the corner of my mouth as I pick at a fallen leaf. I use the cement of the driveway to butt the burnt end and toss it across the lawn.

I need to make the decision now, I need to ever go or stay. And I think my pride has won the battle this time. I stand up and walk to the door of Harry's house, holding the letter tightly in my hand. Any tighter and letter 10 will be unreadable as well.

I bring the scripted papers up to my lips, pursing them onto the flattened ends. "I'll be right here waiting Harry, forever' I whisper before sending the folded note sliding underneath the door.

I rise from my crouch at the base of the door, letting my right palm freeze on the blue painted wood and take my first grieving exhale.

It was time to lose Harry, time to say goodbye, for an indefinite continued length.

My head drops as I turn on my heel, fumbling down the two concrete steps that led off the front porch back onto the path that led to the driveway. Walking in the opposite direction down the path of where my heart felt at home.

"Louis?" the tired thick accent halted my instantly in my steps.

I didn't even hear the front door open, I was too consumed in my thoughts.

I turn my head around to make eye contact with him instantly, not being able to form any words.

"Good luck at Cardiff" he adds before slamming the door between us.

He was in there the entire time, he was on the other side of the door, so close to me, but why has he never felt further away.

And how does he know about Cardiff?