Sarah Paulson One Shots

Hurting~C.G

TW- Eating Disorder/Vomiting/Self Harm

You started the morning on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest silently crying. You were relapsing again. This hasn't happened in years. You went down to breakfast this morning but you didnt eat anything. It bothered you to eat in front of others. Being self conscious of how full your plate would be compared to everyone else when they were finished eating.

You joined the academy 4 years ago after lighting the curtains on fire when your dad made you upset. You were arguing about your disorder, how you were never hungry and saying you were picky and ungrateful because you wouldn't eat the food he made or brought home along with the pressure of constantly being told you should look like the other girls in school and you should loose weight, this didnt help your mental health either. Late that night you packed what you could and left. You had seen the tv advertisement for the coven in New Orleans. Lucky it wasn't more then a train ride there so that same night you got a train ticket. By the next morning around 10 you were standing in front of the iron gates of Robichaux.

When you knocked on the front door the woman who changed your life stood there with open arms and a welcoming smile. Her name? Cordelia Goode. You two quickly became attracted to one another. When you two would be in the greenhouse doing some one- on one lessons to help you control your power, she liked to whisper in your ear or rest her hands on your shoulders or sometimes sway her hips a little bit more just to drive you crazy.

When you two started dating you told her about your eating disorder. Cordelia being Cordelia she did everything in her power to help you on your good and bad days. It took a year to get fully back to your self but you got there. She noticed your habit of skipping meals was better than when you first walked through the door of the academy. But that was 3 years ago.

"Y/n?" Cordelia knocked on the door of your shared bedroom. She hadn't seen you since this morning. In fact nobody had, it wasn't like you to be a cooped up in a room all day. "Y/n? Are you in there?" Her voice was soft, you would have answered but a wave of nausea came over you. Next thing you know the bathroom door flew open and your hair was being held back with your girlfriend gently rubbing your back cooing sweet it's okay, I'm here now. And calling you with your favorite pet name. Cordelia knew what made you feel at peace, this was at the top of your list.

When the sickness went away Delia held you on the floor wiping the tears from your face. "What's wrong? Did something not set right?" You nodded lying. You hated lying her her, but you were too embarrassed to admit about relapsing. After sitting there making sure you weren't going to get sick again, Delia laid out some comfier clothes for you to put on and laid you down on the bed. She tucked a stand of hair behind your ear giving a comforting smile it was the last thing you saw before falling back to sleep.

You woke up to an empty bed and a dark room. Looking at the clock it was almost 2. A soft knock presented itself. Opening the door you met Cordelia on the other side. "Hey sleepyhead. Lunch it ready." Your gaze fell to the floor the voices in your head were telling you not to go down to the kitchen. Not to consume anything. No matter how hard you tried to ignore them you always gave in. "Oh- it's okay I'm not hungry." With Cordelia knowing your past she was always weary of this response. She never pushed you to eat, always let you go at your own pace. "What do you mean?" She asked. "My stomach still hurts." That was the second time you lied to her today not one bone in your body liked it. Cordelia gave you a look filled with concern. This was the same response you gave her when you first came to the academy and the disorder was at its worse. The woman read you like a book she knew something was up. "Are you sure that's all y/n?" You don't know how bad I want to tell you it isnt. You thought. "Yes I'm positive." You started to get a firm tone with the woman making her nod her head and head back down stairs not wanting to upset you.

You shut the door sliding down against it with your head in your hands teary eyed. Little did you know Cordelia didn't go back to the kitchen she stayed right there on the other side of the door listening. She could hear your soft cries. You got up going back to the bathroom looking for something to release it all. Finding a razor blade you held it in one hand. You had never done this before but you knew if Cordelia found it she'd figure everything out , you wanted her to you knew deep inside she could help you, but you didnt want to admit your defeat. The voices kept telling you she would be disgusted or disappointed in you and this was the only way. Taking the blade you made a cut. Realizing what done, you broke down for the second time. Nobody could hear your faint screams for help. Not even the blonde woman behind the door.

Sitting on the floor you felt numb. A feeling of nothingness washed over you as you stood up turning on the shower. Stepping in, the water fell onto the wound as you winced in pain. You got out of the shower wrapping a towel around you, you put a bandage around the cut as you thought of an exuse to tell if someone saw it.

You put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants making your way down stairs. Your eyes met Cordelia's as she looked at you up and down. She noticed you were keeping your arm close to you. At this moment she knew exactly what you did.

A year before you showed up to the academy there was a girl who Cordelia kept a close eye on. She knew the girl had self harmed in the past, but when she found her laying in her room limp with new cuts all over her, Delia didn't know to deal with this properly so she called the girl's parents and they insisted on her returning home.
After that Cordelia vowed to never let any of her girls go unnoticed or let anything happen to them. But now it was happening to her own girlfriend.

You walked over to the fridge grabbing a water. "Y/N can we talk sweetheart?" You froze, knowing what was about to come out of her mouth you hesitatly sat down across from her still keeping the arm close not looking her in the eye. Cordelia glanced at your limb and back at you. "You'd tell me if you were hurting again right?" You fidgeted with your thumbs remembering that when Cordelia first found out about your eating disorder, you told her you didnt like calling it that so from that day on she called it hurting. The blonde put her hand on yours bringing you out of your head. She could see the tears threatening to fall forming in your eyes. She stood up bending down by your chair eye level with you. "I'm sorry." You mumbled. You were sorry for lying to her. Sorry for not going to her first but instead going to a blade. "Honey...you know none of this is your fault." She stroked your cheek as the first tear fell "I was scared. Y-you were going to be disappointed." You managed to get out. Hearing the word disappointed broke her. There was nothing you could do that would make her disappointed in you, and you knew it too but it was your self conscious that was uninformed. Suddenly your stomach growled begging for food. This didn't go unnoticed "When was the last time you ate?" Delia asked in the softest tone making sure not to upset you. Shrugging your shoulders Cordelia walked over to the pantry grabbing some bread and toasting it. She always made this whenever you were sick or when you hadn't ate in a while. "Just try too. I know it's scary. But little bites you dont have to eat it all." She kissed the top of your head as she sat you in her lap.

You stared at the plate for a while before picking it up. "Close your eyes if you have too." Cordelia remembered that it helped you if you closed your eyes and tried not to think about it. You took a small bite slowly chewing hoping that you wouldn't feel nauseous. The look on Delia's face was worth it. "I'm so proud of you." She kissed your cheek. Starting to feel better, you took a few more bites, then those bites turned into the whole thing. You were proud of yourself usallay it would take weeks to eat anything in its entirety.

It wasnt long before Cordelia brought up the bandage on your arm. "You've never done that before. Is there something else that's bothering you?" You explained that it was just a one time thing, and you dont completely understand what came over you to do it. "Next time come to me, okay?" You nodded in response hugging her tightly. "Thank you for everything." You mumbled into her neck. She smiled to herself, "You're welcome sweetheart. I love you y/n." "I love you too Dee."

-alright. I was a little hesitant to write about this topic. I felt like I'd get something wrong or offend someone. so if I did pls tell me so I can fix it. <3.

-m