Pain - A TommyInnit Angst

Chapter 21

Nothing.

Tommy tried pushing his fingers further down his throat, but eventually realised that it was futile and he had had the meal too long ago to be able to get rid of it. He curled up in a ball, sobbing silently. He tipped the pencil sharpener out of his sleeve, but then remembered the nurse was waiting outside, so quickly tucked it back out of view. He wiped the tears from his face, and stepped out of the bathroom, giving the nurse a slight smile and telling her that he was going to go and 'chill' in his room. She nodded and waved him goodbye.

As soon as he reached his room, he began prying at the sharpener, wondering how he was going to get the blade out without any other utensils. The screw in the sharpener was strong, but Tommy's determination was stronger. He crawled around the room trying to find something – anything – to help him, and eventually he found it. A single pin, lying discarded on the floor below a pinboard on the far side of the room from his bed. He picked it up and began using it to turn the screw. It worked. He let out a sigh of relief as the blade fell out and clattered on the floor.

Picking it up, Tommy wasted no time before dragging it, hard, across his skin. Watching the gleaming orbs of blood appearing from the wound, he felt his face warp into a smile.

So he continued.

Tommy watched the red liquid drip down his arm, soaking into the bandage that covered the wound on his wrist from his attempt. He was tempted to rip the bandage off, to reopen the cut, but the image of Wilbur's tear-soaked face stopped him.

Reality finally started to dawn back and he looked in horror at his marred arm. Quickly pulling his sleeve up, he dropped the blade onto the floor and clambered straight into his bed, facing the wall. All he could hear in the deafening silence was the pounding of his heart as he wondered how on earth he was going to explain this to the nurses tomorrow.

He felt his eyes droop and sleep finally overcame him.

• • •

Knock.

Tommy jumped, his mind flitting through excuses for his arm as a nurse called out his name, telling him it was time for breakfast.

'I, uh...' He froze, mind racing, before he finally decided on what he was going to say.

'Please help me.'

The nurse swiftly walked through the door. Her face fell as she saw drips of blood on the floor, with the bloody sharpener blade sitting next to them. Tommy looked down at the floor and held out his arm, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

He waited for the shouting, the berating, the threats, but the nurse just smiled at him and said 'Let's get you cleaned up. It's okay, mistakes happen, we just need to know where you got this blade from so we can make sure this doesn't happen again, okay?'

'I... I did some drawing yesterday and- it, it was there.'

The nurse sighed.

'They aren't meant to be on the table.' She muttered, almost angrily, before turning back to him and beginning to clean up the mess that was his arm. She left for a moment to fetch some supplies to fix up his arm.

'Do you wanna talk about what happened?' She asked upon returning.

Tommy was about to decline the offer, but instead he felt himself nodding.

'It was eating. My... my p-parents used to hurt me if I gained weight and... I have to testify against them in c-court, and... I can't gain weight for it, I have to be s-skinny, they can't see me like this. I can't do it.' He stuttered, still avoiding eye contact.

'Oh, sweetie, that's tough. But you have to eat to move on from that, okay? Otherwise you're gonna stay stuck in the past, and they're still going to be controlling you even when they're not around.'

Tommy thought about this for a second.

'I guess,' He replied, 'But it's harder than that.'

'I know.'

• • •

'Wil!'

'Toms, how are you doing?' Wilbur was smiling broadly as he walked into Tommy's room. Tommy was grateful that he didn't mention his arm, even though he had surely been told what happened.

'I'm doing okay. I managed to eat breakfast today, and I didn't panic or anything.'

'That's great Toms!'

The two of them talked for a while about videos and YouTube, before Wilbur suggested that Tommy log into Twitter on his phone and quickly tweet to tell everyone that he was okay.

'I've tweeted saying you're with me, but it'll mean more coming from you.'

Tommy nodded and quickly typed his username and password into Wilbur's phone, feeling his stomach slightly clench with anxiety when he saw the amount of notifications he had. He breathed in deeply and ignored them, quickly tweeting to say that he was doing better, before signing out and handing Wilbur his phone back.

'Wanna call Tubbo?' Wilbur asked.

'Is he mad at me?'

'For what?'

'You know, what I did.'

Wilbur sighed. 'Of course he's not mad, Toms, we're all just glad that you're okay.'

'I don't think I'm ready to talk to him just yet.'

'That's okay.'

The two of them chatted for a while longer before Wilbur seemed to remember something.

'Oh, I forgot to tell you, Niki's coming over tomorrow. She's gonna be staying with me for a couple of days, do you want her to come with me to visit? It's okay if you don't.'

Tommy eagerly nodded. He loved Niki's energy, she was so kind and calming and he knew that she would be able to make him feel instantly better.

'I'd love that, thanks Wil.'

• • •

After his incident, the nurses had decided that it would be easier for Tommy if he ate inside his room with the strict supervision of a nurse; that way, he wouldn't be worried about the others around him and he could concentrate entirely on his food. It made things slightly more bearable, but Tommy still felt the unbearable clenching in his stomach after meals, the overwhelming guilt and terror about what his parents would think about him. But slowly, day by day, things started to get easier. He was managing to eat meals with decreasing difficulty, and eventually he was allowed to eat with the others again.

The nurse had just knocked on his door, and they had just entered the cafeteria when a sudden terrible feeling came over him. He didn't know why, but he could tell that something horrible had happened. Looking at the solemn faces of the people around him, his suspicions were confirmed.

He slid into a chair and, when the nurse left to get his food, turned to the people on his table and asked them what had happened.

'Some kid managed to kill himself.' A girl whispered back.

'Who?' Tommy asked, the pit in his stomach deepening.

'I didn't know him. I think his name was Matthew? Or Matt, maybe.'

Tommy's eyes widened and he stared down at the table, frozen. He barely knew Matt; he had only seen him once or twice after that episode at dinner; but the thing that terrified him was that he now knew exactly the way Wilbur must have felt when he walked into the bathroom. His chest seized up, and he found himself barely able to breathe.

'You knew him?' The girl asked softly.

All Tommy could do was nod.

A/N: Happy pride month everybody! Please remember that no matter what, you are valid and you are so so loved <3