What Are The Chances? | platonic

Aftermath

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TW: Panic attack, guilt, implied suicidal thoughts, self-worth issues, and mentioned past suicide attempts. Please be careful.

You can skip to March 31, 2021 for the comfort and wholesomeness; I'll put a summary of the first few paragraphs at the end if you do. 

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March 27, 2021
| 9:21 AM GMT |
real life

Lee sat on their bed, fluffy blanket around their shoulders. They're hugging their pillow to their chest, legs crossed and rocking back and forth.

They barely slept through the night, waking up every hour with grief and guilt in their heart.

It was a cycle, and it was all Lee could do to stop themself from relapsing. A mantra of hospital expenses and memories of all the money lost and the disappointment and stress it brought her mother through failed attempts kept them from leaving their room, but only barely.

They're tempted to call a suicide hotline, like they've done once, but they're in a different country with different numbers and different hotlines and they're all alone now because mom and dad are dead and their siblings are miles away-

Lee takes a deep, ragged breathe. It comes in with barely any control, and goes out too fast. Suddenly it's hard to breathe and in the back of their mind, Lee knows they're having a panic attack.

It's nothing new, and they've researched what to do in the event of one. Except the knowledge doesn't really help because all their energy is focused on trying to breathe properly. They can't spare any to stop the panic.

The edges of their vision grow darker, and they know it's only a matter of time until they pass out.

Clutching their chest, the lack of oxygen making it hurt, Lee thinks passing out is much better than being awake and actively stopping themself from another attempt.

It's not long before their vision fully darkens.

xxx

| 12:42 PM GMT |
real life

Lee woke up slowly, and the first thing she notices was the hand in her hair.

Whoever is with her is really good with their hands, with the way they're massaging her scalp almost rhythmically. There were only two people she knew who could possibly be good with their hands in England, and one of them she distinctly remembers has work on weekends.

Rolling over and somewhat dislodging the hand in her hair, Lee feels all over the bed for her phone that she hates leaving behind. When she finds it, she turns it on and only then notices that she's still wearing her glasses and her lights are still off. It's still Saturday.

It must be Phil with her, then.

Lee feels tired, just wanting to lay down and not think, but she knows she can't worry Phil. And anyway, she's not the only one who's lost family- her dad was Phil's brother, after all. She shouldn't mope around when Phil is probably still grieving him. Has been grieving him for a little under a year now.

(Not like her, who blocked it all out until a little game decided to remind her that yeah, she's an orphan now. Her parents are dead and while her dad wasn't the most present and her mom still brings out mixed feelings, she still loved them. But she's not as sad as she should be and it makes her hate herself even more.)