Long Time, No See - Levi x Reader (Modern!AU)

46 - Come, Sweet Sun

Earlier:

Here I was, spending another night that would have been spent alone, if not for Megan's company, in her apartment with lots of snacks while she gave me simple things to do just to keep my mind from wandering where it shouldn't.

With my mind still reeling and my heart still broken from the memorial service, I hadn't even realized how much of a recluse I'd become, but I had. Thankfully, she had never lied when she told me that she'd be there for me, and right now, that's exactly what she was doing.

After a few days of radio silence from me, she'd called me to check on me. I'd been so overwhelmed and distraught about everything going on lately that I hadn't reached out to her or Jerry or Hange or anyone at all and it made me feel awful.

But to already be worried sick about the love of my life, and then to be sent that email, and then called telling me that he was in critical condition, near death... It was hard to focus on anything else. And that didn't even include the memorial service, in which I'd been an emotional wreck all day because I knew Mike and Erwin and for them to be gone...

Someone at the service, another spouse of a soldier, had been speaking with her friend and I passed by just in time to hear her say how scared she was that she might one day need to attend one of these for her own husband. And that... tore me apart.

Because how could I possibly not think about myself eventually attending a memorial service dedicated to celebrating Levi's life and his service after hearing that? It was awful. God, I was already such a wreck, there was no way I'd be able to hold myself together to talk about him and our lives together in front of people.

I knew it wasn't realistically anything I needed to worry about right now, but it was a possibility, and a damn good one at that. For goodness' sake, even the lady on the phone didn't know if he was going to be alright or not!

Even now, I haven't been updated on his condition, his location, if they'd even gotten him to a hospital. The fighting there was done for now but that didn't mean that the deployed soldiers were safe. And I still had no idea where the man who was my entire heart was.

I felt so bad for Meg. As soon as I'd arrived and sat down across from her on the rug to help her wrap some presents for Jerry because she was absolutely awful at it, all of those pent-up emotions and my fears and my nightmares had all rushed out like a river and I hadn't stopped until I finally, forcefully shut up, the proverbial dam being put up to stop the flow of nonsense leaving my mouth.

I huffed, a rush of air escaping me and bringing a rush of pent-up emotions with it. "Sorry," I said absently, finally starting to wrap the game console she'd gotten for him and had been waiting for me to help wrap.

"What are you sorry about?"

"Huh?"

"You said sorry," Meg said. "But you've got nothing to apologize for."

"Oh," I said. "I guess I didn't realize I said it. I think I just feel bad because we don't even have fun anymore when we see each other. I just vent nowadays. So, for that... I'm sorry."

Megan smiled. It was an amused sort of look and she leaned back on her hands rather casually. "Are we not best friends? Did I not tell you that I'm gonna be here for you?"

"We are," I assured her, knowing exactly where she was going with this. "And you did."

"Ok, then," she said, laughing a little through her nose. "So you know I hate useless apologies, right?"

"Right," I said, unable to do anything other than agree.

"You know you've got nothing to be sorry for," she said. "You're going through it right now. It's perfectly fine for you to be sad. I mean, I don't know what I'd do if the roles were reversed, and Jerry was in the military or hurt or worse. I'd probably be a nervous wreck. All things considered... I think you're handling everything just fine."