As Cold As Ice // Charlie Gillespie

Chapter 41

2 months later

"I don't want to go." Sarah and I have been sitting in my room for the past hour, discussing this. Tomorrow I'm meant to get on a bus to drive all the way up to Canada and stay at Charlie's school for a week. "It'll be good for you." I shake my head fiercely. "I don't belong there." Sarah reaches for my arm but I pull it away. "You know I'm right." Now Sarah is the one to shake her head. "I know it's what you think is the truth but it's not. Mia, you've been excited for this ever since you started school." - "Everything was different then." She knows I'm right. Everything was different before I met Charlie. "There's nothing I can say to change your mind, is there?" I shake my head once again.

"It doesn't matter, I have to go anyways" I say after a few moments of silence. "It's all organized and paid for. Coach Lewis insisted, I just don't know why." This time I let Sarah rub my arm softly. "Because she believes in you almost as much as I do." When I don't say anything Sarah adds "I wish you did too." So do I but I don't anymore, not after the accident. "What does Charlie think?" - "He's happy to see me again" I say, my eyes fixed on my hands. Charlie and I did FaceTime and text a lot in the past two months. He said we would make long distance work and we did. I'm happy to see him but I'm also nervous. Talking over the phone is completely different from seeing him again. What if, as soon as he knows what happened while he wasn't here, he doesn't like me anymore?

"Mia, he knows, doesn't he?" I don't look up at Sarah because I'm too ashamed. I couldn't bring myself to tell Charlie the truth. "Mia!" - "I couldn't disappoint him like that ok!" My eyes fill with tears. It's bad enough I have to disappoint my parents, I can't disappoint Charlie too. Sarah pulls me into her arms. "Mia, he's your boyfriend, he has a right to know." I know she's right and I know he'll know tomorrow anyways but I just couldn't tell him, not over the phone anyways. "It'll all be ok, Mia." Sarah rubs my back softly but as much as I love her it's not as comforting as when I was wrapped up in Charlie's arms. Will he pull me into his arms when I tell him? Or will he be disappointed and push me away? Was it wrong not to tell him?

"I'm so scared." I don't know what I'm more scared off, Charlie's reaction or that, once I admit it to him it's going to be 100% real. As long as he doesn't know it's not completely real to me. He's such an important part of my life and once I tell him what I decided it's going to be definite. "I know but remember what he told you at the bus? He loves you. He'll understand." Will he though? Will he understand that I'm not the same Mia he met two months ago? Will he love the Mia I am now as much as he loves the old Mia?

***

The closer we get to Charlie's school the more nervous I feel. By now I feel like I'm about to throw up. The fact that I'm in a bus with Kaylie and Lukas isn't really helping. After Charlie left I decided not to tell anyone about what Lukas and Kaylie did. Kaylie feels bad, I know she does. She apologized multiple times and, eventually, we sat down and talked. She told me how it was frustrating for her to always be in my shadow and that she didn't think it was a big deal when Lukas suggest she should kiss Charlie to make me be off track for a little. She said she never ever wanted me to get hurt that badly and I believe her. I never realized how hard it was for her. Lukas, on the other hand, I didn't talk to once again. He kept his distance from me and I kept mine from him. I'm not sure if he regrets what he did or if he still thinks he had no choice. I know for a fact that he does feel bad about me getting hurt though. As much as I want to blame the two of them, I know that part is on me and my irresponsibility.

Luckily, my ankle heeled without any complications so I've been able to walk without crutches for almost 4 weeks now. I wasn't allowed to do light sports until a week later. I started working out at the gym twice a week only two weeks after Charlie left. I only did exercises that didn't strain my ankle. Two weeks ago was the moment my parents, or more precisely mum, had been impatiently waiting for - the doctor's gave their ok for me to get back onto the ice.

The bus stops in front of Charlie's school and everyone gets off the bus excitedly. I wait until they are all off before I slowly make my way to the doors. With every step I get more and more nervous. As soon as I see Charlie my whole body relaxes. His smile is so wide it reaches from one ear to the other. When he sees me he comes walking towards me and pulls me into the tightest hug ever. "Hey, careful, you don't want to choke me the minute I get here do you?" I try to make my voice sound light and joking. For a moment I think he believes it because he laughs and mumbles a "sorry" against my hairline. When we pull apart and Charlie looks into my eyes he says "What's wrong?" I thought I could hide it from him a little longer. "I have to tell you something."