As Cold As Ice // Charlie Gillespie

Chapter 42

I quickly grab my bag and let Charlie guide me towards his car. Once we're sitting inside Charlie looks at me, worry in his eyes. "Mia, if you don't want to stay with me just say it now and we'll find a solution." My eyes widen in shock. "What? No! Why would you say that?" For a moment I think I can see relief flashing over his face. "Because I can tell something is wrong." Damn, why must he be so attentive. "It is, but it's not what you think. Charlie, you have no idea how happy I am to see you."  - "You don't seem like it." He's right. I'm being honest when I say I'm happy to see him but the fact that I have to tell him the truth makes me feel so nauseous it clouds the happiness. "I'll explain everything to you but can we go to your place first?" - "Sure."

The whole drive to Charlie's place I could feel the tension between us and it was driving me insane. Multiple times I considered telling him to pull over so I could tell him what's wrong right away. I know he has been thinking about what it could be while driving and I don't want to think about what he imagined. "My family isn't gonna be back until Monday" he says while he's driving the car into the garage. "Ok" I mumble. When we get inside Charlie guides me towards my room. I drop my bag in the room and when I turn around to him he's nervously tousling through his hair. "Mia, please tell me what's wrong. It's driving me mad."

I want to tell him what's wrong but first I need to make him stop thinking it's about him and me so I walk over and press my lips against his. First, he's startled but he quickly wraps his arm around me and buries his free hand in my hair. When we pull apart I whisper "I missed you so much." For a moment I rest my head against his chest and take in the feeling of his arms being wrapped around me. "I missed you too" he whispers into my ear. After another few more moments I take a step back and say "Fine, I'll tell you what happened after you left."

Charlie and I sit down on the couch in the living room. I wish I could close the space between us, curl up in his arms again and just savor the feeling of having him close again but I've pushed this conversation away for far too long. "After you left I started going to the gym, like I told you. I needed the workout, it just felt like something was missing without the ice and I needed a way to compensate for that. Of course it wasn't the same but it was better than nothing. For the first four weeks I didn't set foot into the rink for once. I couldn't bring myself to. I couldn't go to hockey practices anymore because I couldn't stand seeing Lukas and without you being there I had no reason to anyways. I didn't go to a single skating practice either. It was too hard to watch them. Coach Lewis asked me so many times but I couldn't.

The day I got rid of those stupid crutches I snuck into practice without anyone noticing. I watched the girls and I got so jealous. Jealous that they were on the ice and I wasn't. And I got so damn angry with myself. I left after maybe 15 minutes because I couldn't stand it anymore and didn't go back for another two weeks. Not until the day I got the ok to go back onto the ice. I got up so early the next morning to get to school before anyone else and be the first on the ice. I put on my skates and stepped onto the ice..." My voice breaks and Charlie immediately moves a little closer, reaching for my hand. "What happened?" He knows me well enough to know this is moment where something went utterly wrong. "I couldn't do it." I look down at my hands but Charlie lifts up my head again. "You couldn't do what?" - "Skating. I can't do it anymore." Confusion builds on his face when he says "What do you mean?"

For a moment I say nothing because it hurts telling him this. It hurt like hell telling mum and dad and Sarah but it's somehow worse to tell Charlie. "I'm done. I don't want to do it anymore." I tell him the exact same words I told everyone else, including Coach Lewis. "I don't believe that." - "But it's true. I'm not skating ever again." This sentence is the worst. I didn't think I would ever say it but now I did, multiple times. "Mia, what's the real reason you're not on the ice? Because I know if you stepped onto the rink right now and we'd put Fight Song on you'd smash it even though you didn't practice for weeks." Why can't he just believe the lie I told everyone? Why does he have to be the one to see through it?

"Because I'm scared, ok? When I stepped onto the ice all I could think about was the pain. The fear I felt after I fell. The pressure, it's too much." I can no longer fight the tears from rolling down my face. Within seconds Charlie has pulled me into his arms, holding me tight. "Why didn't you talk to me?" - "Because I didn't want to loose you too." I already lost the ice I silently add. "Mia..." The sound of Charlie's voice makes me look up to him. "You won't loose me. I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through this. Together." I wish he could be right but this time not even Charlie can help me. "It's over Charlie. I can't do it anymore." - "Yes you can."