Edelweiss || Bucky x Reader

Chapter Forty Nine

The sun makes the sky a pale blue as it rises. I laid awake the whole night. Bucky's arms hold me around my waist, but they only make me feel trapped. Now that it's acceptable to be up, I don't feel bad pushing myself groggily from his embrace and swaying on slightly unsteady feet on the floor beside our bed. He makes a muffled noise of protest in his sleep. There's a pang of guilt in my chest as I brush the backs of my fingers over his cheek. He smiles just a little. I don't.

I find my way to the kitchen to start the coffee. Ages later a full pot of steaming hot pure caffeine waits for me and I pour myself a cup. But as I raise it to my lips, I sense a sharp change in the room's atmosphere. A sigh escapes me as I realize I wasn't as quiet as I had hoped.

"Hi, Buck." I mumble through
semi-shameful exhaustion.

"Good morning to you too." He says in a light tone as he comes around the counter and hooks an arm around my waist, holding me against his chest. He goes to kiss my cheek, but I stop him.

"Bucky, I can't right now." I say, pulling myself from him once again. The swirls of little bubbles in my cup hold my eyes so that his don't have to.

"...oh." He says quietly. I bite my tongue and shut my eyes, knowing painfully that I hurt him.

I want to say something. I want to let him hold me. But I don't actually want to talk or be held. I just want to make him feel better. Before I get another chance, his phone rings loudly from our room. He hesitates, but I soon hear him walking away to answer it. The ringing stops. And it's quiet again.

I think. I think about so much.

Bucky comes back into the room, ready to give me some sort of information, but I speak before he does.

Still to my coffee, I say, "It's all so stupidly ironic."

I turn my head and look at him for the first time. He's listening.

"All I want is to forget," I say with all my spite and fury bottled in a sleep deprived voice. "but at the same time, I never want to forget anything ever again because that's all they made me do. Forget."

I laugh coldly with no humor.

"I'm nothing but a vessel for destruction, Bucky! A weapon. No more. No less."

He crosses his arms as he tilts his head slightly to the side. It's clear he sees through me.

"Who was the nightmare about?" He asks, in a way that confronts me without being outright confrontational.

I shake my head, another joyless laugh turning into two tears rolling down my face. I bite down on my thumb before I can even find it in myself to croak the word "Lucy."

He pauses.

"You remember Lucy? Why would it be about Lucy?"

"Because I killed her!" My voice breaks as I do into sobs, wave after wave of anguish crashing on me, knocking me from my feet and drenching me head to toe. "I killed her."

"What?" He breathes.

"She was a figure of hope to so many, so they made me kill her." I whisper as I cry. "She was so strong, and so kind, and I killed her."

"Y/N, I..." He say quietly. "God, I'm so sorry."

I shake my head in my hands and draw a shaky breath.

"I hurt people, Buck. That's what I do."

"That's not what the president thinks." He says sharply. It doesn't even sound like he's trying to comfort me, more like he's just relaying factual information with no emotional value. No sugar coating, just the truth.