erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

fifteen

november 2016 — acacia

"honestly, smit, he's everything. he's so patient and understanding and he makes me feel so loved without being sappy to the point where it freaks me out." i blurted out.

a smile crept onto his face, "i never expected to play matchmaker when i introduced you two, but i'm glad that out of everyone you chose him."

i laughed, "he really is... special. when we were talking about us i realized that i had always had feelings for him and they were just overshadowed by my past. i even told you i wasn't ready for anything."

"i'm gonna be honest," smitty started, "i knew something would happen. be it now or later, i called that shit."

i rolled my eyes at him and reached down to grab my phone.

john <3

skype me when you're
free. i miss your pretty
face

i'll call you when smit
goes to bed lover boy

"do you wanna play something?" i asked smitty. he shrugged and gestured towards the monopoly box that sat on my bookshelf. i sighed and got up to grab the box and set it on my coffee table.

———

after smitty and i finished our game of monopoly that turned into a yelling match, as it always has, we went our separate ways to get ready to go to bed. of course, i decided to call john.

"hi, pretty thing," he answered the skype call, "how's your day been?"

i smiled, "just finished playing monopoly with smit. i'm shocked he didn't grab his shit and leave after the hell we endured."

john and i continued to talk until about 3 in the morning when i began to feel myself getting tired. the last thing i remember was him telling me something about one of his poly bridge videos and then i was out. i woke up to see he had his phone propped up on something and the skype call still going. i smiled a little and muted myself as to not wake him.

i decided to go try to make breakfast for smitty and i as he was still asleep. even though i was muted and john was sleeping yet, i brought my phone with me should he wake up. i always feel bad falling asleep on a call with someone and ending it before i can say good morning. especially with john as this is the closest i can get to waking up next to him while being miles and miles apart.

i grabbed pancake mix out of my pantry and sausage patties out of my refrigerator and turned my stove on. to be honest, i don't know the last time i cooked myself a decent breakfast. i've been trying to be better recently, but it truly does take a lot. it's also out of the ordinary for me to be up at 10am on a thursday, so it's clear i'm trying to make strides.

while i was finishing cooking, i noticed john was beginning to stir on our call. he must've forgot to mute himself before he fell asleep, as did i. he turned over to face his phone and rubbed his eyes before realizing the call hadn't disconnected.

"morning, pretty." he muttered.

i smiled and said good morning back after unmuting myself. he explained his plans for the day to me that were infinitely more productive than my own and we said our goodbyes so i could clean up the kitchen a bit and he could start his day. about this time smitty woke up.

perfect timing i thought. i placed pancakes and sausage on two plates and set them on my small dining table. he looked impressed as he saw i cooked since he knows that's not typically something i do.

"am i seeing this right? you cooked?" smitty asked dramatically.

i flipped him off and gestured toward the plate on the table for him.

"i have orange juice in the refrigerator if you're feeling juice this fine morning."

———

later in the afternoon we decided to go out and walk around the city together since smitty isn't up here too often. we went around to a few stores and got lunch at a cute little cafe a few blocks down from my apartment. while we were out we talked about my progress with my mental health when i began to feel off.

discussing my mental health is never something that's been a fun topic for me. i typically feel guilty when talking about how i normally am. and i say normally because we all know this serenity is just a brief lull in the tragedy that is my head. of course, i would never disclose this to my best friend. the last thing i want to do is worry him when he's dealt with enough of that in the last five years.

as a lighter topic, we talked about my time in texas and smitty would constantly poke fun at me when he would see the way i light up talking about john. it truly is shitty knowing that i was so happy down there, and while i don't feel awful now, it's not at all the same. i felt the happiest i had in years.

while i was talking i felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and i pulled it out to see that smitty had sent a text in the group chat with him, john, and i. it was a picture of me with a slight smile on my face, i was clearly mid talking. he captioned it "how she looks when she talks about you johnny boy." feeling warmth rise in my face i quickly texted back "he's lying!"

smitty laughed and i shoved my face into my hands.

"you know i only did that for fun right? i enjoy seeing you happy. i care for you, and you know that, and seeing your face light up is something i've missed." he explained.

i shrugged, "i just hate that i'm such a sap now."

"don't. you need to feel real emotions again. and i'm not saying that with ill-intentions. you deserve the world, cay. i wish you would see that the way we do."

my struggle returns of seeing myself the way those i love do.