erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

eleven

acacia

the more i realize that i leave texas in two days, the more sad i get. i think i've accepted that i'm gonna end up back in my old ways once i'm in canada again and i'm not ready for that. at least when i go back i have the opportunity to hang out with smitty, but now that i don't live as close to him as i used to, it's so much harder.

i've never been one to be dependent on people. everyone leaves at some point, everything is temporary, but the more time i spend with john, the more i feel like i need him to be in my life. i hate that feeling, but it was bound to happen. if not now, then later. perhaps though this is what i need; to feel that i'm anchored to someone.

since i fell back asleep right before john left to go get donuts for our breakfast, and woke up just now, i have the apartment to myself for the next couple of minutes. it gives me much needed time to contemplate things and consider what is placed in front of me.

a long distance relationship.

something i told myself i'd never do again after ty and i broke up.

dating one of my best friends at that.

something i also never thought would ever happen to me as i view my friends as brothers, but i know i couldn't deny my feelings for john much longer.

every part of me knows that this relationship has the potential to ruin me more than it could ever help me, and honestly that's terrifying to think about.

sitting back against the couch and sighing, i opened up twitter.

@notacaciastrain: in my last days of the texas trip. this sucks big time :/

by this point fans have started speculating that there's something between john and i, but at the same time, they know i'm not that type of person. little do they know that this time they're wrong.

i've said it time and time again that i'd rather the fans not know that john and i are a thing, but part of me would love to see the reaction. knowing neither of us are big into the relationship side of things, it would be fascinating to see how the people closest to us and our fans would react.

bappo nuked the jappos

cameron
how are you doing
today boys? smitty
has come close to
exposing everyone
on twitter and we
haven't heard from
acacia.

smitty
hey nobody is gonna
know a thing about
this i'm not that
obvious you fucker

acacia
i'm tired as fuck and
also emotional ab having
to leave soon but john
is out getting donuts for
breakfast so i'm alone
right now

smitty
acacia? tired? unreal,
did you guys fuck last
night??

acacia
gonna beat ur ass when
i get back to canada you
better watch ur shit milk
bag

it wasn't long after i sent that final text that john returned back from getting the donuts. i met him out at the table. my eyes lit up just from catching sight of him, something that never happens to me. it's increasingly weird to me that i, seemingly the most stone cold bitch, can be made to be this soft over a person. quickly shrugging off the thought, i sat down at the table.

"good morning, again." john laughed.

i flipped him off and grabbed a donut out of the box. i held it up in front of my camera and took a snapchat of him and the donut captioning it "two of my almost favorites in one 🖤"

after we finished eating, we moved over to the couch, john sitting in the corner and me beside him with my head on his chest. i breathed in the moment, realizing that this is one of the last times i'm going to be this content for a long while.

he ran his fingers slowly through my hair and down my shoulder. i turned slightly to look at him, our eyes quickly meeting.

"john," i asked softly.

"hm?" he hummed.

"have you thought about this, uh.. long distance situation?

john moved his hand down to my hand and i tensed up at the movement.

"honestly, not really. it's not something i've wanted to think about. you know that neither of us are the most serious people, so i haven't bothered with a serious topic. but in actuality, i know that we'll figure it out. it's gonna fucking suck, but we'll make it and i know it." he said squeezing my hand a little.

i relaxed a little bit and looked down, losing our eye contact.

"cay, i'm worried about you when you go back to canada."

"why," i said almost a little too quickly.

"even before this trip, i've cared a shit ton about you and i know how you get sometimes."

"are you trying to say you don't trust me?"

"acacia, no-"

"don't leave me if you don't trust me being alone."

i sat up quickly and looked at john.

"fuck, i didn't mean that, i know that's not possible right now, nor do i think you would this early." i said as fast as i could.

"you know i would if i could." he said quietly.

"you're in texas and i'm in canada. that's a trek, j."

"and for you, it'd be more than worth it i hope you know. whether you came down here or i went up there. you know it wouldn't be my first time moving since i started youtube."

——

a/n
hello friends, it's been quite sometime since i've updated this. since my last chapter posted, i've received lots of loves on this book and questions asking where i've gone and if i'd be updating again. the answer is yes, this book is far from over and i do not have any intentions of ending it anytime soon. when i put my last update out wasn't the best time for me to do so, i had to get through finishing up school and i play sports so i didn't have time to write having practice or games everyday of the week on top of school work. once i got out of school, i did a lot of things in june that didn't allow me time to write, but now here i am. i'm gonna try to get a hefty amount of updates out this month to make up for how long i've been gone, but i just need to keep up motivation to write. i hope you all understand and i can't even begin to thank you enough for your continued support on this fever dream of a book even when my updates are very few and far between. <3