erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

fourteen

november 2016 — acacia (tw, suicide, domestic abuse, heavy topics. proceed with caution)

i jolted awake, breathing heavily and looking around me to assure myself i was still in my own room. i quickly reached down to grab my phone, 1:49am.

it's my third night back in canada, i guess i had fallen asleep without even realizing. quite honestly, it's been a while since i had a dream that was a vivid flashback to that night. the night i left tyler.

i was 17, he was 19. he'd strolled into my apartment, the smell of beer strongly on his breath, but i knew he wasn't drunk because there was a very distinct difference between drunk argumentative tyler and sober argumentative tyler. i didn't respond to his texts because i was finishing a project i had for school, and i really needed to get it done before the deadline. he was convinced i was cheating.

to be fair, he was always convinced i was cheating on him and was always trying to tear down every aspect of my life. called me a whore for being friends with so many guys, called me pathetic for actually putting time into my schooling, anything to make me feel shitty about myself.

the night i left tyler was the last night i ever heard from him. i blocked him on every social media site he knew me on, changed my @'s, stayed with smitty for a while, and then moved up to montreal. in the first few days after the last fight, i managed to get a restraining order against him. i never pressed charges because i couldn't stand to see his face one more time, and i think that's a better part of the reason i ended up moving away from my best friend.

it was a hard decision, uprooting my life after spending 17 years of it in windsor, then moving to montreal shortly after i turned 18. leaving behind windsor meant leaving behind smitty who i've known since i was 5. he came with me when i moved, to help me get everything in and unpacked, which made the entire experience infinitely harder.

starting what has been essentially a new life in montreal has both ruined me even farther and made my life better. moving away from smitty and into a city where i know absolutely no one has brought me more than a lifetime's worth of solitude.

coming from a broken family and dealing with such an abusive relationship so early in my life ruined my sense of self. for the longest time i had no clue who i truly was. acacia around her friends became just a mask, but acacia on her own was my own hell on earth.

having to be on my own in a completely different city barely being 18 meant i had literally no money for anything. i was unable to afford the therapy that i so desperately needed, and it took an incredible toll on my mental health and smitty's as collateral damage.

i felt so fucking guilty for worrying smitty the way i did. three suicide attempts made for three trips for him to come see me in the hospital as i recovered. an extended stay in the psych ward after the third absolutely destroyed me as all i could think about was how far in debt i'd be after the hospital trips and the time in the ward. smitty took it upon himself to stay with me for a week after i was released to make sure i was fit to be on my own.

truthfully, i've had him in my life for about 15 years and he's saved my life more times than i can count. he is truly the best person that has ever walked into my life. from being the only semblance of a stable family figure i've ever had, to introducing me to the person that is potentially the love of my life. when i feel like there's nothing left, i know i have my best friend and at times, it feels like that's all that matters.

barely having it in me to finish high school, i knew there was no way i would be able to go to college, let alone afford it, and that's when youtube came into the picture. smitty came up for my high school graduation and stayed a few days after to help me establish a setup to start youtube. alongside youtube, i had a shitty part time job as a temporary thing until i could make enough money off of youtube to pay rent and bills.

as temporary as i would like to make it seem, i was working for a year to save up and even begin to make money from youtube. i never blew up then, and i still haven't really blown up now, but i make enough to at least be able to sustain myself.

it wasn't until early in 2015 when smitty introduced me to john. of course, i knew who he was since he's so close to my best friend, but we never formally met each other prior to that. we played in a lobby together and began talking constantly after that.

i didn't have a relationship between tyler and john because i was so emotionally scarred that i genuinely thought i no longer withheld the capacity to be loved or to love. i never expected to fall for one of my best friends and feel the most loved and appreciated i've felt in my entire life on a romantic level.

john is patient and kind and that's all i could ask for. he's aware that i'm terrified to love and be loved, but the patience he has for the entire situation is unmatched. being home from texas for only a few days, he hasn't become overbearing or done anything insanely different. it's like things haven't changed, we're just together now.

it sounds stupid, it really does, but dating your best friend makes it feel so casual yet so loving. we continue to skype and text often, we're just sappy now. smitty and cameron get a laugh out of it and the "acacia's in love" comments from them are unending. being genuinely happy though, i'm not sure i could even bring myself to care.

———

today is the day smitty gets here, and to say i'm excited is an understatement. we try to see each other as much as possible, but it's not uncommon for our schedules to just not line up. and that's exactly how it's been recently. he'll only be here for a few days, but i'm going back to visit windsor soon so it evens out.

i found it in me to clean my apartment and toss out all the old alcohol bottles that have been lying around. i don't try to hide how i actually live from smitty, but seeing as i've been slightly better recently, i don't want him to get the wrong idea.

as i was putting the last bottle in my garbage bin, i got a text from smitty saying he was here. i went and unlocked my front door and let him in. he greeted me with a hug to which i gladly returned.

he laid down his bags and looked around my apartment.

"holy shit i have to tell john he's a miracle worker. this place hasn't looked this good since you moved in." smitty exclaimed.

i rolled my eyes and shoved his shoulder.

"oh fuck off. i finally stopped drinking for a little while and it's crazy; i have motivation!"

he threw his hands up in the air like he was surprised and i rolled my eyes once more. smitty took his bags to the spare room and i took a seat on my couch before he came back out.

"so. you know i want to hear all about you and john you sappy little shit."

"god... where do i even start."

I'M BACK DID YOU MISS ME WHILE I WAS GONE?? i've had the urge to write a lot recently and i didn't know what and i was like holy SHIT erase me. i didn't realize it's been almost two years, if not already two years, since i last posted a real chapter. i always read this back and talk to my friends about how much i love this book and how i'm so proud of it. i'm very much back in my john phase so i'm extra extra motivated to write. expect to be seeing me around ;)