erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

ten

acacia

"i think we're calling it official."

john let out a breath i didn't even know he was holding and i laughed at him. something that felt real for once.

i would be lying if i said there wasn't concern in me saying yes to john, putting myself in the situation to be called someone's girlfriend again, committing to something. thousands of thoughts were racing through my head of everything that could go wrong in a scenario like this, but i had to do my best to push them all out.

perhaps john is everything i've needed though. in the time i've been in texas he's treated me like a goddess, he's made me feel loved, and he's done all of the little things he knows i missed about being in a relationship. above all though, he's made me feel safe. it's been a while since the last time i could say i truly felt safe.

i grabbed my phone from the table.

bappo nuked the jappos

acacia
i said yes.

cameron
yes to what? uploading
for once in your life?

smitty
you dumb bitch you
have no room to talk.
but no. i assume she's
talking about john.

cameron
oh fuck i hope you're
right i've shipped that
for so long.

smitty
congrats cay i love
you and i'm so proud
of you

cameron
i loved you first baby!!
:'(

acacia
gross cameron fuck
outta here with that

——

after dinner we just went back to john's place even though we thought about going for a walk to see the city lights and just joy each others' presence.

it's only 9 but i'm already in bed, comfortably in john's arms, watching the office. i'm finally getting used to a routine like this, but unfortunately i only have three days left on this trip.

before coming to texas i had spent the previous week drinking enough to get at least slightly tipsy at night, and then i would either spend the rest of my night filming or editing. this usually didn't end up well as i would go overboard once i was done working, and i'd wake up with a pounding hangover. even worse when i'd have to record in the morning or afternoon and i'd sleep up until time, and have to record with a massive fucking hangover.

my friends were, and still are, concerned. the part of me that understands being a human knows that they have every right to be concerned, but i hate that they are. i hate that people feel like they have to worry about me, because in my opinion it's not worth it enough. there are so many other worthwhile things they could spend their time being concerned about. their job, paying their bills, pets and family, literally anything, yet they choose to worry about me.

i rolled over onto my side and laid my head against john's shoulder, letting my arm fall lightly across his chest. he put his chin on top of my head and slowly traced his thumb over my shoulder.

"i didn't expect this to be the outcome of tonight at all." he said.

"why do you say that?"

"i expected you to throw shit down and get up and storm out of that restaurant the second i opened my mouth."

i sat up and looked at him, "as much as i hate to admit it, i knew very close to the beginning of this trip that i felt something, albeit i didn't know what it was since i haven't felt soft fuzzy shit in ages, i knew there was something."

john cocked his head and raised an eyebrow at me.

"the little things, j. the way you'd hold my hand when we'd go places, the way you run your fingers through my hair when we're here, the slight caring attitude you have while not being too blunt with it... i've learned to appreciate those small things, and they're something that really had me taken aback, if you will."

"i remember you saying you missed shit like that. i wanted to have a loving aura, fuck that sounds like some shitty tumblr mess, but i didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

i went back to the position i was previously in and i laced my fingers with those on his freehand.

"i'm scared of this."

"of what?"

"a relationship."

"i don't want you to fear us being together. if you want to take this slow and not label us until you're comfortable with that, i'm more than okay with doing so."

"no, no, i'm not scared of a label. i'm scared of hurting you, i'm scared of hurting myself. i don't want this to be like tyler all over again."

"i'm not him, love. i could never treat you, or anyone for that matter, the way he treated you. he's a sick bastard that deserves to rot. you don't deserve to have gone through the shit he put you through."

i closed my eyes for a bit, acknowledging how tired i actually am. once i felt myself really relaxing i felt john press a soft kiss to the top of my head. my lips curved into a small smile as i felt myself beginning to fall asleep.

——

i woke up, john's arms around my body and his head against my shoulder. quite surprisingly, last night wasn't the best night of sleep i got. it's not that i tossed and turned, but i just couldn't fall asleep and stay asleep.

i reached my arm across the edge of the bed to grab my phone and scroll through my notifications. there was nothing interesting, but one tweet from smitty caught my attention.

@smii7y: stans are about to be fed a full meal and i'm very curious to see how the overall reaction will be when the news gets out

i figured he was talking about john and i as that was the only logical thing to make sense. truth is, i'm not too sure we'll end up putting our relationship out there in any form. i'll get torn apart by every krii7y shipper and i'm not sure i'd be able to handle that in a fragile mental state. i've never been one to let the words of others get to me that much, but an angry social media mob can start to hurt after a while.

i'm not too sure john would be hurt about us keeping everything down low either. he's generally not that open if a person when it comes to his personal life as it is, so i can't see him wanting to jump right in and put our status out there if even at all.

there has to be speculation from the people that have seen our snapchat stories though and know that i'm in texas with him. smitty didn't hint at it being anything like this though so maybe we are safe. time will tell at this point, but a large part of me really fucking hopes no one finds out about this.

——