erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

sixteen

november 2016 — acacia

unfortunately smitty went back home a few days ago, so i've been alone with my thoughts again. i can't help but have thoughts of john leaving me plaguing my mind. we skype daily and he assured me how much he cares about me, but i can't shake the thoughts of him not wanting someone so emotionally destroyed. i can't imagine how hard it is to love someone that no longer knows how to be loved.

i've been slacking on my uploads again and people have been noticing it. their concerns have not gone without being heard. i see all the tweets and comments, but i just can't bring myself to have the motivation to do anything.

i don't want to disappoint john, or smitty, or anyone for that matter, but i don't know where to go from here. i've found myself in the vulnerable state i so despise being in. it's not something i'm used to and i don't know how to cope with it.

john promised me he'd never be too overbearing, and i don't want to paint it like he is. he just wants to see me happy, but i can't comprehend the fact that he cares. it's just so hard to see myself through the eyes of someone else at this point.

as to not let myself wallow in my sadness all day, i dragged myself to my computer and pulled up our discord server. i saw smitty, tyler, and anthony were online, so i dropped a message asking if anyone wanted to play anything. tyler responded that they were getting ready to play golf and that i was more than welcome to join.

i prepared myself for the catastrophe that lied before me and put on my headset before getting into the call.

———

after we finished recording i called john so he would know i'm still alive, but also because i missed his voice. gross, acacia.

he picked up and sounded very chipper and it brought a smile to my face.

"hi, pretty" he greeted me.

"hi, lover boy" i said back.

we began to talk about the recording session as he saw the discord messages and i explained that it went well, but that it was very loud. however that's to be expected.

we then talked about our days down to every little detail. we're both great oversharers, we've learned. it wasn't until about an hour into the call that john did his daily check in for me.

he covers everything. how i'm doing mentally and physically. if i've had any negative thoughts or acted negatively. the worst part is that he knows when i'm lying so it's not even worth it to try with him.

for him, i wish i could get better. less for myself at this point. of course, i would love to see myself be better and be a better person, but i want this for him. i want john to be able to love someone that isn't drained of basic human emotions. i want him to be with someone who doesn't freak out at anyone showing them love. i want him to be happy above all.

it's exhausting though, the road to recovery. i recently found a new psychiatrist who is working on getting me evaluated and medicated. that said, i've had multiple appointments over the last few weeks, but they'll space out once we get the basics down.

i hope it's a step in the right direction. getting medicated seems like the best option right now. from there, i need to address my alcohol consumption. i've cut back recently because i haven't been able to get my supply, but i don't feel better or worse.

i turn 21 soon and it feels weird to me that i won't be going to a bar and getting shit faced. that was always my plan, have my first legal drinks, but i don't want to put myself in that environment. in fact, i'm sure john and our friends would not allow it.

i just hope my efforts are enough.